I updated all my WordPress stuff. Sorry about the spam dump of all the posts from the past few years. Now I don’t know where the fuck anything is and the layout looks really weird. I’m not pleased. Assholes.
I managed to run yesterday. The mile with a tail wind was 12 minutes flat. I’m pretty happy about that. The mile with the massive head wind was 16 minutes and *mumble*. Yeah, the wind makes a huge difference. My muscles are confused. I’m trying to wake them up but I’m doing it haphazardly. My hips and legs and low back are really upset.
I didn’t sleep enough. I woke up to cry for hours. Noah did not take the opportunity to lecture me more, that was good. But I can’t get out of my head that the only way I can stop doing the things that feel like such a betrayal to him is to stop doing anything. Who and what I am is not pleasing in its current form. I don’t know how to be better.
“You should be dead”. So many people have said it to me. So many doctors and nurses and therapists. At this point it feels like them speaking a wish. It feels like the wish of the NHS. It feels like the only way I will stop being so offensive and damaging to Noah.
There have been moments where I thought that me dying wouldn’t be ok because who would Noah look to for support? I’ve been reminded that he has needed support a fair bit in our marriage. He always finds other people to turn to. I should trust that he will continue to do so. He could find someone naturally monogamous to bond with. It would be better if I did it soon. He could still have a longer than 20 year relationship with someone else.
My daughter has been telling me that she wishes she could die when I don’t give her candy.
It is hard to believe that I am doing anyone any good.
As we have talked about, I’d never feel like I had a family again. I mean, I’d still have the kids. But somebody else wouldn’t be their mom, or the mother of my children. They’d be dad’s girlfriend.
I *do* mostly turn to you for support, by far. Not 100% exclusively to you, but by far the most. It’s a lot like how you have always needed support besides me, but I’ve provided a *lot* of your support through the years.
I can’t tell if I just need very different expectations for you. And I’m worried that if I act like those are my expectations, it will be worse rather than better. I wish I knew what to do here. Presumably it will eventually be the same as normal: try something and see how it goes.