Noah has not been fucking nice to me for a little while. He’s doing a lot of berating me for hours about shit from from 2016 or stuff he imagines I might go do because clearly I am just as off the rails now as I was then.

But don’t tell him to shut up. Don’t tell him to stop doing that to me. Instead tell him to go talk to someone else. DO YOU FUCKING THINK I HAVEN’T BEEN SAYING THAT FOR WEEKS?! DO YOU THINK THAT WASN’T THE FIRST FUCKING THING I SAID?!?!?!?!?! I SAID FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO TALK TO.

He told me at great length how he can’t talk to anyone because the only thing they will say is that he should leave me. He has chosen not to talk to people. But of course, me saying, “Fine then just shut up” isn’t ok.

I really don’t feel like I can keep doing this forever. I am in this bind where I don’t get to make anything better because fucking everyone in the world matters more than me. I can’t hurt anyone else’s feelings as I am dealing with being assaulted AGAIN because then I am just as bad.

If I go to group therapy and talk about my life then I am just as bad as my abusers.

Just shut up and die already Krissy, then you won’t be such a fucking cunt to everyone all the fucking time.

Why can’t I be nicer and more considerate of the feelings of the man who hurt me a week after surgery and who has spent years keeping me under his thumb because I acted out after he wouldn’t stop raping me.

I’m such a selfish stupid bitch.