I am losing my shit. I am hiding. I am not able to care more about every other person than I do myself. I feel like that is what I have been requiring of myself for years. I am allowed to be the most important person when I have a major medical malfunction and I can’t help it. Otherwise I exist to serve.

I chose this type of dynamic. I want to serve. I asked to be less than equal. I did not want to be just a wife. I never asked to be a full partner who gets to matter equally as much. That’s on me. That’s about me. I feel like tissue paper, fragile and easy to tear to shreds. I feel like an ephemeral unimportant object.

I talked to Travel Boyfriend last night. I have a chance to control the narrative just enough to maybe make it so Noah only seethes 2016 at me instead of including 2024. If I don’t have a date with Travel Boyfriend then I can get away with saying we discussed poly and I did literally nothing that was not a direct response to sexual assault.

Like all of my other acting out after sexual assaults don’t count because I was choosing sex at the same time. If I opt out of the sex then am I allowed to have this one just be treated as an assault instead of cheating? It doesn’t matter. I went to him. Noah watched my phone location and seethed knowing I was cheating.

I think I will hear 2024 along with 2016. Because I am a worthless cheating whore.

You have no idea how frustrating it is that I can’t beat my head on concrete anymore. My stroke risk is sky high. Enough doctors have tried hard to scare me that I take it seriously. No more brain injuries for me. I want to beat my head right now. I already have a raging headache and my neck hurts like fire. It’s difficult to focus my eyes. I want to get to the point where I can’t think anymore. I don’t want to think anymore. I don’t want to be inside my brain.

My brain tells me that every time I am in pain that should simply be the starting domino and everyone and every thing nearby should get in on the action and hurt me extra. There is no amount of pain that is enough for me. I am so bad that I cannot be hurt enough to feel as bad as I am. So everyone who walks by should hurt me too. Maybe I’ll get lucky and they will hurt me enough and my body will get to die.

If I do not perform to spec I should be hurt until I am back in line. If I do terrible, courageous things I should be damaged in retaliation so I don’t get too big for my britches. For the love of cheese I had better not try to climb that peg board. I need to be the bottom peg. That is the only justice.

If I am very quiet and small and I work very hard maybe no one will hurt me for a while. Maybe. I will probably be stupid and I won’t be grateful enough and I will be hurt for not displaying my gratitude sufficiently.

I chose this. I asked for this. I wanted to be less than. I shouldn’t complain when I get it. I will continue to serve my Owner until my Meat Sack gives out.