The more I believe I will probably be on my own for figuring out my shit going forward. I am eligible for supportive counseling, which is not therapy. Before the trial it is unclear as to whether or not I can or should have any kind of therapy and in any case my notes have to be shared with the defense team. So uhhh, no I guess I don’t need therapy.

I’m in that rough spot where I would benefit from being able to talk about the ways my mental health is not going well. I can’t say more to Noah though because too much of it feels like I am threatening him. I need to just not talk about it at all. I’m feeling a lot of feelings about this. I don’t want to dump on my friends so most of what I am saying about my mental health is that it is not great. I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable talking to.

I don’t have a single person I’m willing to freely talk with about what I am thinking. I feel like every thought in my head is proof of why I deserve more punishment. Why I should allow my life to be smaller and smaller. Why I should shut up forever.

Between the fact that everything I say can be used against me in court and the fact that everything I say upsets the people I live with it feels like I should stop speaking entirely. I will be punished if I don’t.