I’m upset about the lack of support from the NHS. I talked to someone high up at New Craigs (the psych hospital) and she told me I can’t have therapy until after the trial. I feel like if they won’t support me through the more traumatic period I’d rather set the building on fire than go there for help afterwards. (No I am not going to set anything on fire. I am not a violent person. I will, however, opt out of appointments and treat it like a source of hostility and pain instead of help and healing.)

The GPs won’t diagnose me with EDS or fibromyalgia so I’m unable to qualify for medical cannabis. That leaves me with the black market and a lot of lung damage. I feel humiliated and debased.

I feel like the NHS Scotland wishes I would just die and stop being a problem. Or at least leave the country. They would be happy with either.

My house is down with Norovirus. All three kids have fallen like dominoes day by day and I expect to go any minute.

I’m on a medication break because my usage level has increased times 5 and that’s really bad for my body. I’m not coping well. I’m in a lot of both physical and psychological distress. I believe with my entire soul that the NHS does not give a shit. I’m pretty sure I’m going to develop serious health issues here and I won’t seek care.

Hell, I tried to make an appointment with a for-pay clinic in town. They told me it is obvious I am in significant distress and they will see if they can do anything for me then they didn’t respond again.

This is fucking hilarious because I’m not even asking them to do much. I want them to evaluate me and confirm my original diagnosis information so I can go to a different private clinic with UK records and get cannabis. They won’t do it though.

I feel completely dehumanised and devalued and debased. I feel like dirt.