I miss you, Noah. I am trying to get things done. I am in motion basically every minute because I am afraid that if I stop I will crumble and be unable to get up.

I am so sad. I wish I had died instead of you. I wish I could take your place. If one of us needs to die now, why wasn’t it me? I do not have the purity of soul that you have. The world loves you more than it does me.

I feel sad that the Ruby community around the world is shocked with grief. Your impact is so big. They don’t care that you aren’t there to do the work. You made people feel seen, loved, and important. Like you did for me.

There is no fair in this life. You were the best of us and you are gone. My soul is screaming in agony. I want to want to die. I want to feel so suicidal I don’t care about the pain I will cause my children.

I can’t though. Every time I try to think “I want to die” the thought short circuits in my brain. I can’t ever want that again. I am going to live forever. There is no one to help my kids if I go. Yeah, I have friends who would take them in and not leave them on the streets and they’d have enough money to be ok starting out in life. If our net worth was divided between the kids they would all get close to a million and my in-laws would round that up very soon.

They don’t need money. They need someone who can say every day, “I love you and you still have a future ahead of you full of love, happiness, fun, and belonging. You will find friends and romantic partners and you will have a whole life. I will help you get there.”

I just no longer believe that I have a happy future. My happiness died with Noah. I feel so bad. Noah, how could you leave me?