I am angry that I was summoned to the NHS psych department today. I was summoned so I could be told in detail that this tragedy still doesn’t qualify me for support because I am stupid enough to prosecute a rape. This country is barbaric. But, no guns! Homeless people are given housing! They have basic (shitty) health care without going bankrupt! They have lots of water and are not vulnerable to fires, earthquakes, tornadoes, or tsunamis.

Nowhere is all good. I really miss the California therapy culture but as I watch the state go up in flames again I worry a lot that there will not be capacity for supporting all the pain that exists there. I feel lost in my grief. I feel like I am a horrible bitch because I don’t know how to feel love and support from the people who are showing up. I’m going through the motions. I know the role I am supposed to play. I feel empty though. I feel like I will never feel positive emotions again.

I am so scared. I don’t want to talk to the NHS today. It will be degrading and awful. Oh shit, I should call about flowers. Fuck.