I keep thinking that I should post and then I don’t. My brain has been hard core avoiding most topics. I’m staying in one repetitive special interest forum and that’s pretty much it.

It was comforting for me to read an essay about autistic grieving and how often we do simply avoid looking/thinking about the loss for a long time because it hurts too much. I’m definitely drilling deep into historical ways of coping. All of us are drifting through days accomplishing far less than pretty much ever. We can’t hear each other. Anyone can announce something three or four times and no one catches it. It’s all of us right now. It’s super hard. We are all striving for patience and acceptance with each other. Everyone slept in super late this morning. We keep missing social stuff because we are stuck in the house waiting for repair men or deliveries.

Like the oil, which I was originally told would arrive last Friday, then they said Monday, now Wednesday. We haven’t had heat or hot water for a while. It’ll be about 2 weeks by the time they finally show up. That sucks.

An oven broke. The washing machine broke. The boiler still isn’t properly repaired and I can’t schedule until the oil arrives. There are still a bunch of other things falling apart. Like, the back door is literally falling apart.

I’m still waiting for progress from solicitors/attorneys/accountants/financial advisers. Definitely no progress in March I was told. Just wait.

We are in our first week alone out of six. It’s kind of startling how much it impacted us immediately to be alone in the house. Our daily schedule is not being kept very well. It’s pretty amazing that we were only alone for five nights in 12 weeks. Having another adult around really does make it feel more important to keep moving. We have basically crashed to a stop. We have the excuse that we are waiting on oil this week.

We all feel like we could hide in the house for a few weeks. I am resisting and I’m not sure why. I feel like if I don’t push us into going to stuff I am failing to parent correctly. Academics are happening but not as fast as usual. I am feeling lost in my brain a lot of the time. I’m going back and forth between feeling super ashamed and feeling like I am being too hard on myself.

It’s hard not to feel hard on myself. I’m being selfish and I’m doing stuff to fill my own bucket. I’m not doing the martyr thing. I feel like the primary thing I need is being alone. When I’m alone I’m not scared I am hurting people. I’m struggling with how much my brain wants to shut down when I’m in a room with other people. I can barely focus to finish tasks.

I miss Noah in a million selfish ways. I want to hug him. I loved to bury my face in his chest. He made me feel safe and loved. He made me feel important and worthy of keeping alive even though it is so much effort. I miss having someone who wanted to listen to my racing thoughts. I miss regulating off his breath and heart beat. I miss his laugh and his silly jokes. I miss feeling treasured.

I am feeling deeply reminded that I am not for everyone and that I will never be worthy of effort again. I feel crushed by this knowledge. I feel like there isn’t a lot to look forward to without Noah. I’m trying to find hope and the will to live but it feels so pointless and silly. Why bother? I’m going to be abandoned over and over again. I’m scared.

I can compartmentalise and get through a lot. I’m afraid this is going to drown me, only I can’t allow that. I have to keep going for the kids. It doesn’t matter what I want. It’s not about me.

I miss you, Noah. I don’t know how to keep walking but I’m going to try anyway. I don’t feel I have a choice.