Ok, that’s hyperbole. Things are fine. We plug along. We get chores and academics and gardening and exercise done. But I feel empty and hollow. I yearn for Noah with every cell in my body. I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel loved. I feel abandoned and scared and lonely. I’ve gotten good sleep three nights in a row and I’ve felt emotionally worse with every night. Like I was hiding this pain behind the dullness of sleep deprivation.

I’m trying to fill my bucket so I have a lot to give. Today that feels impossible. I feel scared and inadequate and sad.

No one will ever be my partner like that again. It took so long to trust him and we had to go through so much together. I don’t think I will ever let anyone in. My soul hurts.