I’m mad at my shrink again. That happens. Today we get to have one of those Come To Jesus talks about whether or not we will continue working together. I suspect we will… I don’t have any promising leads to replace her at bat and it’s not like flying solo without a psychiatrist. My shrink helps me. Psychiatrists… have honestly never helped me. They suck.

Let’s go back to that bit where we work on processing my emotions and integrating my new experiences, m’kay? That’s better than trying to find some asshole to drug me. I’m tired of arguing about what drugs I should be taking.

I’m rereading The Body Keeps The Score and The Body Remembers and I’m taking notes.

I hit plateaus in my development. Getting to the next level usually requires a period of concentrated study and effort and work. Maybe that is what the next year or two should be about.

I don’t do so good without a Thing That I’m Doing to keep me out of trouble. Sure, I’m home schooling and gardening and wifing and all that shit, but I have a lot of capacity. I could do all that and find trouble too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m going to get back to Outrunning Suicide.

But I feel like I need to have a trauma management component too.

I’m trying to figure out how I can wedge in enough stimulation and specific obligations in my house to not get bored and become a problem. I’m kind of like a super intelligent dog where if you leave them alone in your house they will rip up your flooring just for entertainment. I used to know a dog who did that for real.

I’m trouble.

Noah has managed to buckle down and get serious on organizing a tremendous amount of shit because he feels the stakes are high enough: if he manages he will get what he always wanted. He hopes.

What are the stakes for me?

I’d like to be in less pain. I’d like to physically feel the emotional connection I believe is already in place with many people. I love people. They love me. I know it intellectually. I can see the demonstrations of it and I document this shit obsessively so I can never claim that people don’t love me.

I know that people love me. But mostly I don’t feel it. Mostly I feel this keening vacuum in my chest. I need more demonstration. More intensity. More people.

Only that doesn’t actually help it just causes trouble. Shit shit shit shit.

I believe pretty seriously that at this point in time the only thing that is going to change this is if I find some ritualistic way to slowly increase how many minutes a day I feel connection. It’s not true that I never ever ever feel connection. It is that then I stop touching the person or stop seeing them or stop being in the room with them and I feel like I stepped into an abyss of loneliness that will never stop.

I will never be with someone again,

Even if I’m only going to be alone for an hour. It’s ridiculous; I know.

Dysregulated thinking. Hi. Brain trauma is fun.

But I’m so much better than I used to be! Now I actually enjoy alone time sometimes!

There is also this balance problem around the fact that I just can’t physically stand the stimulation of really being with people and accepting stimulation 24/7. My kids and Noah are a bit overwhelming sometimes. We are together something like 22/7. It’s intense. Even when the babysitter comes over usually that just means another body is in the house and happy to help the kids with their art projects. We are together and together and together and together and together.

So it isn’t sheer contact that is going to solve my problem.

To be fair, since Noah got this job at home I have been working like a demon. Him being home has been difficult because he wants me to turn and give him a lot of attention and… I’ve been working to the point where I’m not paying the necessary-for-survival level of attention to my own body and I’m hurting myself badly and he feels sad if he’s ignored and my kids want attention and….

We need a different dynamic.

I can’t stand this dynamic where I’m in a room alone doing my thing and people yell at me from across the house expecting me to suddenly have room in my brain to be straining to hear them (I don’t hear so good) and mentally blocking out other stimulation so I can respond. That’s irritating as shit. Literally, I don’t hear very well. Background noise prevents me from having any idea what is happening. DO YOU KNOW HOW OFTEN MY HOUSE IS COMPLETELY QUIET?! PRACTICALLY NEVER. So I’m almost always trying to listen over noise. It’s a miracle I hear anything.

But I pass hearing tests.

I don’t know.

I get confused and angry with a lot of background noise. I can’t pick out the thread of voice that I’m supposed to be following. It blends in with clicking and banging and hissing and whatever the fuck else is happening. Our current dishwasher may be much more quiet but it still distracts me.

I’m sure I do the same annoying thing.

But I’m also trying to get into the habit of asking permission before I enter the kid bedroom. Just because you have crossed a boundary in the past doesn’t mean you need to keep crossing it forever.

I had kind of an awkward conversation with EC yesterday as we walked back from dropping YC off at camp. We talked about religion. We talked about why her dad is so interested in finding some sort of spiritual connection at this stage so he’s bringing stuff up. We talked about why I pull away from religion like it is a horse fly about to bite me.

It’s one more thing that is not for me.

How come asshole people are allowed to speak for God and tell little children that they aren’t wanted so that little children imprint on that belief and can’t shake the feeling for the rest of their lives that even God doesn’t want them.

My religion is you. You are all I have. Even if you don’t want me.

How do I learn to feel like I am connected? How do I learn how to feel like it is ok that people love me. It isn’t a violation of the natural order of things.

It isn’t like those weird people who are obsessed with vampires and werewolves. It’s ok for people to like me. It doesn’t take a suicidal bent in your brain. Truly. I swear. I pray.

Today is day 12 of my cycle. As of yesterday I still haven’t ovulated in over a month. Not too surprising I guess. But I was kind of hoping. Even as I feel dread and fear at the thought of another pregnancy oh dear god another birth…

I really want to meet this person.

I can’t explain it. This biological compulsion, this urge, this drive… I want to meet this person.

If there is honesty in my soul (which I doubt)…..

I want to meet my son.

All those god damn dreams about my son.

My Youngest Child, my sweet non-binary baby, I feel like sometimes they kind of wish they were the son I talk about. Baby you are perfect. I wanted to know you too. I think you are great. You teach me new things and I love you and you give me the opportunity to grow and be better. I love you so much.

I want to meet my son.

Yes, I know I could end up with another daughter or another non-binary kid (technically the odds of this are lower–but still possible! I’d be down) and I’d have to smile and never ever indicate anything but complete pleasure and joy. I know. Believe me I know.

But it’s there. It’s deep inside of me. That longing is there.

I won’t fuck him or anything gross like that. It’s not that kind of longing. I want to have a completely non-sexual in every way shape and form relationship with a boy of my blood. I want it. I’ve never had that before.

I feel so sad that I’ve never had that before. I mean, my oldest brother never molested me, but there was always this poisoning to our relationship. Our father told me he had the right to have sex with me whenever he wanted. Our relationship was poisoned.

I feel like people throw around “toxic” and “abusive” all the time these days. But it was fucked up with a side of nauseating and disgusting to grow up with parents who specifically instructed children to fuck each other. I’m sorry, but “My parents looked at me wrong and that made me feel small so they are toxic” is not where I’m going with this.

I want more evidence that someone like me can be in a relationship without making it gross and bad and wrong.

Is it nature or is it nurture or fate or what?

I have sex with everyone, right? Or maybe only some people? Maybe only (mostly) appropriate grown ups who aren’t related to me who aren’t going to be damaged by the experience?

But that makes me just like my father in some way. I don’t know. I don’t know I don’t know.

And now my daughter is awake and talking to me full speed ahead. She jumped from one rug to another rug. I have to hear where her elbow was, where both feet were, why she wobbled, why she’s proud of herself for the good save…

My children literally narrate their lives as if there is a video camera watching them at all time. They think they are creating a full speed documentary about themselves. I feel like I will lose my cheese sometimes because THERE ARE ALWAYS VOICES IN MY EARS NARRATING SHIT I DON’T WANT TO PAY ATTENTION TO THIS EXACT SECOND NOW WHILE I’M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE ON SOMETHING ELSE. Sigh.

And she’s doing it from an adjacent room. So she’s raising her voice a lot to make sure I hear her. Which might wake up the sleeping Youngest Child and then there will be Hell To Pay.

Sigh.

I love you all. Even when you yell.

I love them so much I feel like my heart will explode. Now she’s repeating the full story again as if I didn’t hear it the first time because she is so concerned that I know EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENS TO HER. It’s really kinda cool in an overwhelming way.

Let me tell you, these children are not ok with the idea of separation between us. How can I not feel connected? What is wrong with me?

I just finally said, “Can I finish typing and pooping in peace? Can I talk about your body when I finish focusing on my body for the morning? I’ll hear all about your miraculous jump from floor mat to floor mat for the fourth time then. Ok?”

She stood up and said, “Oh! Hey! Yeah! That’s a good idea” and ran out of the room. I will be required to listen for a fourth time. I can tell.

I don’t actually mind. But please wait till I stop typing.

Don’t worry, I won’t type much longer. My arms are getting sore and I feel about done pooping. You wanted to know that, right? Hahahahahaha

In pooping news: I’m just about done with this round of “cleanse” from my woo nutritionist and things are going really well in the poop department! Well formed, solid but not hard, light brown, once maybe twice a day…. That’s perfect. I get occasional stabs of belly pain from the “Oh my god my body hates having actual solid matter in my intestine” but it’s just a few seconds and then it doesn’t hurt to poop. I think I just have trouble sometimes as things round a bend inside of me.

Since everyone really wants to hear about the progression of my IBS, right?

The thing is, poop news are big news. Serotonin forms in the gut. Happiness is tied to how well you digest. Contentment, security, safety… these feelings are tied to how you digest food. So it seems like it’s kinda of wacky and it seems like it is exactly the damn point. My body is a whole and complete system and I can’t fix one part when another part is completely out of whack.

I’ve had a couple of non-crisis years in my life. A few. Not many. Maybe it is time to have a few more and work on integration.

I feel like the road trip was a big deal. I proved to Noah that I will come back. Our bond was sorely tested but it remained. I like him so much. I like being around him. I like how he treats me and looks at me and thinks about me.

I like how he makes me feel.

People don’t care how you feel. People care how you make them feel.

Do I know how I make Noah feel?

I like that I make Noah feel like he is wonderful. He hasn’t had a whole lot of that in his life either.

Have I mentioned that Noah’s dancing is coming along quite a bit? I feel like I did a really smart thing on not pushing Noah to dance. I ask for the occasional dance to a song at a wedding or something like that and I haven’t otherwise pushed Noah to be a more serious dancer. I’m happy to lead during the rare dances I pull him through. As a result he didn’t build up this defensive wall with me around dancing. I didn’t try to make him do it. So after lots of years he decided to be nice to me and work on his issues around this activity.

Hey, I read comic books. It seems fair.

But I didn’t ask for it. I think it mattered a lot that I didn’t ask.

I’m really grateful that Noah is stepping outside his comfort zone to be more fun for me. We do struggle with finding activities other than “staring at a computer” that we like to do together. We like to eat.

Noah wormed his way into my life being my gym buddy. He was the first friend who seriously exercised with me on a regular basis.

Noah has been such a big part of all the healthy steps in my life. I don’t know where I’d be without Noah.

It’s probably time to let Noah help me through the next step. He sure would be happy to.

I don’t think I need more drugs. I need to figure out how to feel the connection that is already there.

I love my friends even if we aren’t doing ecstasy or nitrous or having sex together. I promise. Those shared activities allow me to feel the love back. I need to find a way to feel it that doesn’t involve manually over riding my brain.

I don’t do ecstasy as often as I write about it. I think about it and how worthwhile it is or isn’t. I feel I am pretty firmly of the opinion that I will never ever ever do mdma in a large group again. It’s powerful medicine and that’s not an appropriate way for *me* to use it. With 1-3 other people it can be a tool of powerful working. More than that… it’s not a tool it’s an idiotic thing to do to my brain.

But I had to find that out. The same way I had to find out that Prozac is not a magic drug that will solve my problems. Only one of those drugs I tried with a doctor who told me that a drug will be the magical key to all my problems and one of those drugs I tried with people who told me, “I don’t know what will happen. Try it.”

I trust one of those introductions to drugs more than I trust the other. One is open to the idea that a drug will fail me and not solve my problems. The other claims that a drug must be the answer.

Life is funny.

In just under two hours it is time to head up to Oakland. I should probably get started on the morning snuggle part of the day.