I keep people. I have a lot of people in my life from 20 years ago. I don’t see them all the time, but we pop up in one another’s lives.

I have problems with some people. But given the number of people in my life… I struggle with a fairly low percentage. Most of my struggle is with my internal ability to perceive what people mean by behaviors or words. I struggle to believe that people like me unless they are standing in front of me saying, “I like you.” If you said it a week ago I’ve already forgotten.

It’s not nice of me, but it’s real.

We are changing some things about how we school. We will have some outside oversight so that I’m not in this position of All Powerful Person anymore. That’s not working for me. We need it to change.

But we don’t need the kids to go to school for 30 hours a week. I genuinely believe (and I’m backed up by professional evaluation) that my Eldest Child would have major problems in traditional school. But we need something slightly different than what we have been doing.

I ain’t God and it’s bad for me to be in a position like God.

I am appalled that charter schools exist. I think that if you want to home school it should be your deal. But charter schools exist and we are now signed up with one that will give me $1800/year/kid for classes and educational materials. $3600/year is going to alter my budget. That sounds fantastic. Because the school will cover their classes and stuff for a year (including giving them a laptop) I can put most of my kid budget towards baby shit and paying for the birth.

Oh god. A birth will be expensive.

Money is giving me fits lately. This is a horrible year for money. My end of year review is going to be baaaaaaaaad. I’m already feeling anxiety and it’s only fucking June. Owning a house sucks.

I do still love my bathroom. It’s worth what I paid for the bathroom. But all the other shit that went wrong and cost extra money… like cleaning the black mold out of the wall of my bedroom…. It adds up.

My bank balance is lower than it has been in many years. I’m scared. Nothing else can break soon.

I talked to our delightful local mechanic about how the Prius is misbehaving. In his opinion the smartest thing to do would be to trade it in *now* before it finishes breaking. We’ll get $1,000 or so on a trade in. It’s in terrible condition and we’ve repaired the front end twice from accidents. (I fell asleep while pregnant on 880 & a deer landed on my car further south on 17. 880/17 hates my car.)

We decided not to camp in Fresno for the weekend at 104 degrees. Instead we will drive down for the party, sleep in a hotel, then drive right home. A hotel is $50 more than camping for the weekend would be and I don’t have to suffer through not sleeping in the heat while pregnant. Seems smart.

I’m having a hard time with how many people are moving away. L, I know I was a total loser and I didn’t visit you over the last year because of the remodel but it sucks that I can’t come visit you now that things are settling down. You are so wonderful.

I like where I’m sitting and I don’t. I don’t like that it is changing and my friends are leaving.

Pam keeps telling me not to leave the bay because someday she will come back and next time it’ll be for good. But she will live across the valley in an area even more expensive than this and I do not share her certainty that rich people will find a way to save the bay from global warming issues.

I’m reading a book named White Trash. It’s not the same kind of book I would have written. It’s better. It’s historical. It goes through the history of disposable white people in this country. It is fantastic. I’d love to discuss it with people. One friend is reading it already. Anyone up for a book club?

Stuff and stuff. Stop typing, Krissy. You hurt.