No wonder my students think I am weird. This is the grammar test. (On the actual paper I give credit to the author but my footnotes and stuff don’t transfer to lj well.)

For full credit you must diagram two stories. You must do either The Debbies or Creepy Susie but you are not required to do both.
Stupid Betsy
Betsy was a stupid girl. She put dirt in her eye. Betsy would put marbles in her butt. Then her mother would have to take her to the hospital. One night a vampire came into Betsy’s bedroom and turned her into a vampire. Betsy was a stupid vampire. She thirsted for blood. She bit a tree. She bit a wig store. She bit the statue of a woman with a clock where her stomach ought to be. She bit poo. Betsy laid down on the sidewalk to die but alas, death would not come, as she had already joined the ranks of the undead. Morning came and Betsy turned to ashes. Her mother didn’t care.
Milo’s Disorder
Milo wasn’t like other boys. Milo saw things differently. Milo thought that maybe there was a monster in the toilet watching his butt. He was certain that when he turned away, the things behind him smiled. He knew all about the diner waitress serpent that lived under his bed. And while he slept his head would bloom open to let the fish out. Milo was cured with electroshock therapy. And thank God he grew up to be normal.
Rosie’s Crazy Mother
Rosie’s mother was a crazy woman. She shaved the cats then she glued little pictures of Elvis all over them. Rosie’s crazy mother had a life-sized tattoo of herself on her back “just in case”. After school snacks usually consisted of a jar of mayonnaise and something alive. Rosie finally decided that it was weird that her mother made her sleep in the oven. Rosie began to worry at about the age of six. She feared she would grow up to be just like her mother. And she did!
The Debbies
This is Helga. These are the Debbies. The Debbies all tried very hard to be the same. Helga was an endless source of amusement to the Debbies. Even though Helga was different, she had somehow convinced herself that there was a place in society for her. The Debbies sought to destroy Helga’s glimmer of hope to one day fit in. Helga became obsessed with the thought of revenge. Helga disguised herself as a Debbie and mingled among them. Once inside the clique, Helga began studying their itty-bitty thoughts and their migration patterns. Over lunch, the Debbies decided to have a slumber part at Debbie’s house. They ate pizza, painted their toenails pink, giggled and talked about Matthew Kelly’s excellent butt cheeks. While the Debbies slept Helga snipped off their annoying little heads. Then she ate all of the pizza crusts.
Creepy Susie
There was something a little creepy about Susie. Perhaps it was her collection of dead rats and chickens. Or maybe it was that she never smiled, unless she was holding something slimy. The rest of Susie’s family was perfectly normal. Except for her father, who was a midget albino cross dresser. It came to pass that one day Eric Twinklebutt developed a schoolboy crush on Susie. She did not know what to do; so she ignored him. Susie tingled at the thought of Eric Twinklebutt but she did not know what to do. She read one of those romance novels but she threw up. Susie went to see her great-great-great grandmother Ruby to ask for advice on boys. But great-great-great grandmother Ruby was no help at all because she had been dead for a long time. Susie decided to take care of the problem on her own.