So today’s can’t sleep for crying moment is brought to you by getting spanked by forum moderators. Obviously I am deeply unhealthy and should seek therapy.

Oh fuck everyone on this planet who tells me I should pursue therapy.

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE THIS MAGICAL BELIEF THAT THERAPY FIXES ALL OF YOUR GOD DAMN PROBLEMS?!

I spent years telling Noah I needed things to change. Way post cheating he admitted out loud that he was never actually open to that. So I was trying. I was verbally negotiating. I was trying to talk about what was going on for me and it failed. And I had my god damn therapist telling me constantly how Noah is the best husband ever and marriage is about compromise and you really need to meet his sexual needs since he does so much for you.

I owe him bleeding and pain until I die, apparently.

So in my fucked upedness I communicated how much I was flailing. By cheating. I went and spanked someone. I went and did something that there is no room for in my marriage. I went and did something that was a desire of mine that I’m supposed to just ignore for the rest of my life.

Then I came home and said I couldn’t follow any rules and I started stepping out. Which is like cheating only I told him I was unilaterally changing the rules and just doing.

Is it an ok way to handle conflict?

I could have left. I could have left my best friend and the only home I’ve ever had. That would have been my other option.

I could have declared that I can’t be a permanent whore who does not need considered by choosing to follow my mother’s path into destitution and homelessness and starvation. If I were a stronger person maybe I would have.

And now for the rest of my life I am worthless because instead I did something despicable. Leaving would have been “honorable”. Staying and hurting him back was wrong.

Because Noah was selfish about sex. I should have tossed everything overboard.

I guess.

But the problem is that even if Noah was an asshole about sex (and he was… for years…) I don’t know how to get past the fact that he is still the shining star in my life who has been kinder and more generous to me than anyone else alive.

He wasn’t raping me. He just… was selfish.

And I should have just left.

But if I had left I wouldn’t have come back. And I don’t know what would have happened to my kids because I would never have been ok or trusted anyone again in my life.

I could have done that instead.

I’m not saying that what I did was justifiable or right. I am saying I didn’t really have a better choice. I only had bad choices.

And that means I am bad. Forever.