I went to the funeral to support my friend. I need to visit her again this week. She’s really struggling. Her boy was 23. It was an open casket event and I can’t get the smell of death out of my nose. I’ve showered a few times to see if that would help. I even went outside and smoked some pot even though I don’t do that very often these days because I want to stop smelling that. Even over the pungency of pot… I can smell it.

Death waits for us all. It is stronger than any other force.

Yesterday I think the baby started hitting a growth spurt. She barely made noise all day except for when she had a direct need. Mostly she just slept. When she sleeps that much and is so quiet I check her constantly because I’m afraid she could slip away. I want to know her so badly. You never know how much time you are going to get: a few hours, a few months, a few years, a few decades, a whole life. I don’t want to get to the end and feel regret about not spending enough time. So when my baby sleeps all day it is hard to leave her alone and just let her rest.

But I do it because that sleep time is when she grows and internalizes what she is learning. Don’t fuck with sleep, yo.

She’s so fat and jiggly and alive. I am so enchanted.

It’s lovely how my tenderness with the baby is still being extended to my big kids. We are snuggling a lot. They adore their sister. They are both learning how to interact with her and it fills me with joy. They both firmly address her as “My baby”. This baby belongs to all of us. I can imagine other circumstances where such an assumption of ownership would bug the crap out of me. But when it is my children feeling possessive of one another within the context of our family?

Heart exploding with joy.

My siblings hated me and desperately wished I had never been born. My children are deeply attached to one another and spend time every day saying they love each other and they are glad to be together so much. I’m allowed to be part of this.

I’ve run into more of the home schoolers recently. There is a core group from the community we used to join a lot that miss us. It looks like our summer will involve some touching base with people. Folks are sad we are leaving. My former neighbor is really upset. She is talking more seriously about going back to India because without me here… she truly has nothing. I’m her one friend here and her ex-husband is a nightmare.

It’s interesting finding out where people have depended on me and I didn’t know it. I am sorry to let you down. But I really need to travel. It’s like if someone were doing a Mentos/Diet Coke commercial with my insides. I feel absolutely bursting with the need to go. To find out who I am in different spaces. To find out how much I am capable of growing and expanding to meet new needs.

I have loved the bay area. I have found friends, lovers, and family here. I have met 100% of the most important people in my life here. I will always have ties to the bay. I wouldn’t be surprised if we came back every year or two for a visit. It will be different and a tiny fraction of people will still see us when we visit… and that’s ok too.

I can’t be all that important to all that many people. Monkey spheres and all that.

There are a lot of people here that I would prefer to never see again. It’s time to go. I feel eaten alive with the desire to avoid my fucking sister. I haven’t made an appointment with my pain doctor for a follow up partially because running into my aunt there is so distressing.

So much pain and there’s not a god damn thing I can do about it. Not for anyone.

EC still feels like my idealized self. What I wish I could have been if things had been better. MC still feels like a closer match to the reality of what I would have been like if things had been better–I still would have been a rocky person and MC is an emotionally tempestuous person. I wonder so much about YC.

Yesterday she was waking up from a nap and I knelt down next to her. She gave this gorgeous giant smile. I felt like I would melt into a puddle of goo. Yes oh my daughter, wrap me around your finger. I’ll do so much for that smile.

I love all of my children’s smiles. I feel like the older two inherited this quality from Noah of softening when they smile. They relax and lean in at the same time. It looks like they relax into visibly feeling safe.

Do you know how good it feels that someone can feel like that around me? I often make people feel alarmed, tense, threatened. I see people get rigid in my presence. I feel bad every time.

But not my family. My family relaxes and treats me like I am here to keep them safe instead of hurt them.

Even if I am a monster… I am their monster and that’s ok then.