I’ve been on a serious roller coaster ride emotionally lately and I don’t know why. No, I’m not pregnant; I checked. I’m crying at the drop of a hat. Everything bothers me in some way, either it makes me angry or it makes me sad or it makes me withdraw. I wish I could point at something in particular and say “That! That’s why I’m upset!” but I can’t.

Uhm, it’s longer than I expected.
I feel really upset about the conflict with Anna. I feel like what I said was true and things she needed to hear, but I’m still very sad that I hurt my friend.
I’m freaked out about remodeling stuff. I’m torn between wanting to push the budget higher (and make our life tighter for uhm years) because I’ve always desperately wanted a big pretty house, but… it’s not realistic. It would cause us problems for years to come and make us have to live on a really conservative budget for probably 10 years and that isn’t exactly fun. But then when I think about that I cycle back to not wanting to do any remodeling at all because I am just being stupid and selfish and wasteful wanting to do it at all. Then I try to be realistic about what would seriously make my life better long-term from a remodel. It would really make my day-to-day life better basically forever if we had more than one bathroom and a bigger kitchen. One bathroom is a difficult experience sometimes when there are just two of us. When there are little kids and their friends in the house? I also think having a kitchen where I don’t feel claustrophobic with three people in it is a really good idea for my sanity. But even those wants feel stupid and wasteful because shouldn’t a girl like me just be happy she has a house at all? I feel horribly guilty that I want anything. I want my house to be insulated so I am not at the mercy of every 2-5 degree temperature change. But then I stop and think, “Well, it isn’t as bad as living in the mountains so stop complaining.”
I feel guilty that I am reading the Kushiel books instead of the books I should be reading for my job. Even though I know I have 2 1/2 more weeks and most of the books I can read in a day if I push myself. I don’t want to read them. I’m tired of having my reading directed by books I have to read. I’m actually enjoying these books and I can’t remember the last time I really got to immerse myself in a different world just because I wanted to do it. I feel so overwhelmingly guilty that my stomach is hurting from anxiety. It is wasteful and stupid and selfish of me to be spending my time this way. I should be more productive. My house isn’t clean, how fucking dare I sit on my ass and read for pleasure. If I was reading for my job it would be only marginally ok because I am still reading and that is something I enjoy doing.
I’m heavier than I want to be. I want to say I’m fat but I worry about offending friends who are bigger than me and then I get angry that I can’t even say what I want to say about myself. I know why I am heavy. Noah is not exactly conducive to me rationing out food. And he spends a lot of time telling me that he likes me better this way but I believe that I am not as attractive so it doesn’t matter what he says. I spend so much time feeling like shit that I am not pretty enough anyway that adding fat to not pretty makes me want to do something drastic to cement how unpretty I feel. I believe that my main reason for not wanting long hair (other than the fact that it takes a lot of care) is the fact that I have pretty hair and I don’t feel like I deserve it. Nothing on me should be pretty because I’m such a terrible person.
I’m feeling unwanted and unimportant. I know Noah loves me and all, but I feel pretty isolated even with that knowledge. I want to feel picked and chosen and worth prioritizing and I don’t right now. I don’t know what would make me feel loved. I just can’t do any more chasing people down and asking them to please come let me entertain them. I’m tired of censoring my feelings because I don’t want people to feel bad. Yes it fucking bothers me when you flake on me. It feels an awful lot like you are letting me know exactly what I mean to you. It is so fucking hard to put myself out there and it only sort of works sometimes. Yeah, I know I have a better success rate than most but I try hard often. I don’t know that most people do. I feel scared to go anywhere and seeing people freaks me out. I’m painfully conscious of the fact that I have to pick where I go very carefully or I risk running into people who are not bloody nice to me. Despite how fucking often people make snotty comments about how rude/forward I am, have I ever, one fucking time started shit with someone in public? No. I fucking haven’t. I suck it up. I keep my mouth shut. I go home and cry. And it means I don’t feel very safe going anywhere unless I know who will be invited in advance. And the fact that so many of my friends prize people who are nasty to me? I notice. I notice and frankly I’m not sure how much longer I want to feel anxious everytime I consider coming to a group event. I’ve skipped a few because in “not taking sides” people are saying it is ok for me to be treated like shit. I notice. I don’t do that to anyone.

I’m really thinking about cancelling everything vaguely social in the next few weeks. Why fucking bother. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m so tired of being aware that my “friends” choose to spend a lot of their time with people who behave in awful ways. Soon I will get to hide behind my job again. I’m really looking forward to it.