Three people asked for clarity on a previous post where I mentioned I had big feelings for people and I’m not naming names. That’s a shocking amount of response to a post so I’m going to just mass-clarify.

My feelings aren’t anger. I tend to make friendships with dynamic, intense people. Many of my friends have schtuff going on in their lives with families, jobs, relationships that have layers of meaning and potential responses.

I pick these people because I admire them. I struggle with my internal drive that says if I admire someone I must strive to be like them. I like a lot of people and I can’t be like everyone. People tell me that they like that I am “so myself” but that comes at the expense of a lot of angsting and time spent feeling sad because I’m not managing to conform better.

I have feelings because I can’t manage to figure out the right bridge between where I am and where you are and my failure feels monumental and like I will lose all love because I am a failure. I try to have perspective on the fact that I don’t dump everyone for their lack of perspective and maybe I’m not literally the most gracious person on the planet…so…. sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode with feelings.

Because knowing about your story is sometimes a little overwhelming. You know how I overwhelm you? You overwhelm me. Knowing what I know about you is sometimes hard. But I want to know it. I crave this knowledge and connection. I need you and I love you.

Sometimes I have feelings about you.

I’m frustrated and overwhelmed, but what else is new?

Today I will only get a little bit done on my checklist. I have to drive the kids across the valley, of course. By the end of this week… I should really be down to 15 things on the checklist. If I want to finish this month. Ugh.

Did I mention that Noah is going away for work this week? Wednesday afternoon through Sunday. I’m making him stay away for an extra day. He’s been in emergency mode trying to help me more than normal for a long time. It’s time to reverse the flow and do nice things for him too.

Off to have a day.