Contrary. I’m contrary. From as long as I can remember all I need is a challenge and then I can accomplish most anything. So while I know I need to grieve I also know that I will be ok. Being ok will be rapidly pushed along because I was told I wouldn’t be ok. Given my life and the things I have been ok after I know that this won’t knock me down for long. I will miss the closeness I ached to have. I will find a family that will choose me. I will find a way to feel safe and secure in all of the things I actually have instead of wishing for things that I can’t have. I know that my definition of family isn’t a universal definition, but I’m ok with that. Last I checked not much about my view of the world was universal.
It’s hard and I don’t pretend otherwise, but having standards and strong opinions is just like that. It’s still worth the effort and hardship.
One more hour until another hard thing. Today has to go better than yesterday–there isn’t much of a way for it to be worse. Please God, let me have the ability to say the things I need to say in a clear and effective voice.
Yes, you can be contrary, but your contrariness makes you one of the most “real” people I know. And even though you *can* be contrary, you can also be incredibly loving, and for that I am truly grateful.
I’ve been incredibly out of touch for the last week(ish) with back-to-back job interviews, and end of term assignments for school, and then being out of town from Wednesday through last night for LLW, so I’m just catching up on LJ posts. I have a feeling there’s “in between the lines” stuff going on that has made the past week even more difficult than you’ve let on in your journal. Please know that you’re loved — and if you wanna talk, I’m home now.