I overdid it yesterday. I feel wiped. If I want to have fun this weekend… I can’t work today like I did yesterday. I feel like ass. I feel so much pain.

I have decided that since this isn’t ever going to feel much like a party and instead it will be a series of short visits with friends… no one cares about how much I clean up and I’m going to stop.

It’s different when 30-50 people are going to be here for 4 hours. Then I need to clean up the space to literally make room for people. When it’s like one family at a time? Psh. We’re fiiiiiiiine.

I do want to trim the blackberry and finish cleaning up the blue potato vine cuttings. But that’s it in the yard.

The house is fucking clean enough.

I am not going to finish my 51 item to do list in August. I will finish next week before we go to Mexico. That’s being kind to myself. This is an arbitrary deadline. None of these things are mandatory or important. They are all self imposed. I can choose to be kind to myself occasionally. I got 40 things done. That has to be enough right now. And some of those items were massive like packing and getting all the boxes out of here.

I’m so tired.

I didn’t sleep much because I hurt so much. Around 4:30 Noah and I woke up and talked a little and he rubbed on me and it felt so euphorically good I managed to get two hours of really solid sleep.

I hurt.

I need a bath. Luckily I’m smoking right now (pain. So. Much. Pain.) so when I go inside I have to get straight into water before I pick up the baby. Yay! Timing!

I’m almost done with the boxes for Jenny. I might be able to get them out of the house before the party.

I’m so bad about boxes for Scotland. I start them and it takes me 2-5 months to finish and actually mail them. I’m ridiculous. I think about them all the time. But finishing things is hard. I feel like I’m not as good of an auntie as I want to be and I feel upset with myself for it.

But I’m also half dead.

It’s hard hating myself so much for not having more to give when I’m giving until I collapse.