Triggered. That word is used so much. I think I use it slightly more broadly than appropriate at some times. But last weekend and this weekend are good reminders to me that I have some work to do.

Appearance stuff is tied into safety. But… weirdly so are the stupid video games. I know that video games have been a wonderful source of comfort and bonding and fun for many of my friends. That’s great.

I want to write so much. But my shoulders are fucked up and it hurts.

So I’ll sit here and feel instead.

And I won’t hit post and this will sit here for days. Why not.

I’m having a lot of big feelings. I think that this week has involved a lot of realizing just how often I don’t set necessary boundaries and sometimes I don’t even know what that means. I worry a lot about other people getting what they want and sometimes I don’t care much about what I need.

I “know” that most of the people in my life have been carefully selected because they are unusually willing to accept setting and receiving boundaries. But I still feel fear. I still don’t think I am worth putting up with if I make it “too difficult”.

I’m still holding my breath waiting for everyone to leave.

If I say, “This is not ok” who is going to have a problem with that. Like, I was told today that it’s not ok for me to say in threads on a forum that it would be awesome if we could find ways to insult people that are not derogatory to sex workers. That’s derailing. So now I won’t be going back to that forum because I am not capable of walking past casual insults and pretending it’s ok. I can’t do that. I don’t owe anyone silence or compliance or conformity.

But I do it to myself anyway. I enforce silence and compliance. In my own stilted and broken way I try to conform. I just mostly fail.

I vacillate between setting my boundaries too firmly and rigidly and far out and not setting them at all. This is less than ideal.

I’m really tired. I’m not sleeping for a few reasons. On the list is the lack of pot. On the list is nursing a fussy baby. On the list is being a whiny baby who can’t sleep when Noah is up and he had a hard night.

Noah doesn’t stay up AT me. He stays up because he has needs.

It is very hard to not be selfish and angry about not being able to sleep when he is gone. I do an absolutely inappropriate amount of trying to regulate off of him. This sucks because he’s not all that well regulated but he tries so hard.

I miss childcare. I am not doing very well with being on duty 20-22 hours out of 24. My last serious break was a year ago when I went to Alaska. Before that it was May of last year.

I’m fucking tired.

I understand that other people have it worse than me. I don’t feel entitled to be upset about the challenges of my current life because things are so much better I need to just quit whining already. But this is hard. It isn’t the hardest thing I’ve done, but it is never fucking ending.

I am struggling with feelings of jealousy and feeling left out. I failed at staying involved in hobbies or social groups. I feel like part of why I want to run away is so that I don’t feel actively ignored by people who post pictures of hanging out with people who are more…. something than me.

I wish I could just decide to stop feeling things.