I’m conflating things in a way I don’t like. Clarity matters when you want to ask for change.
In general Noah prioritizes me above everything else in his life. To an absolutely unhealthy degree. He prioritizes me over sleep and work and friendships. This is not ideal. When I’m bitching about him sleeping through the weekend…. that’s a shitty thing for me to do. He goes short on sleep most of the time because I wake up so fucking early and I want to eat breakfast and he wants to cook it for me.
Yeah. It’s awful for me to bitch about the naps he takes to make up for going short on sleep because he is making me breakfast.
He used to stay up all night playing video games. I would say that has happened at most twice in the past year. I really don’t think it has happened twice. Maybe once. When he stays up all night… he’s working. His job involves a lot of people on the other side of the world and he has very few markers to give him confidence that he’s doing his job well. Someone in Japan saying, “Hey Noah–fix this” is one of the few things he has to look at and see that he is actually being perceived as successful at what he’s trying to do. I get why sometimes he needs to respond instantly. It’s not fair for me to get mad.
It’s ok for me to be overwhelmed and feel sad when we don’t meet up perfectly. It’s not ok for me to be mad about Noah doing his job.
For the record, I am proposing that I take over breakfast again so he can work later and sleep later. I suspect that’ll help him get some time when we aren’t as demanding. Days are hard. All of us want his attention basically all the time.
I spend so much time being grateful that he has a brain that is worth so much money on the open market that we can have this much of his time. I feel sad that this isn’t available to everyone. I know that everyone isn’t interested in this much togetherness, but I wish it were an option. It’s one of the most unfair things in life that people have to work so many hours to survive. Capitalism is fucked up.
I want to support Noah better because then he is able to support me better. I’m selfish. And I like him and want to keep him for decades. That means he needs upkeep and maintenance.
He’s worth it.
He does need sleep. I know I need sleep and there is no fair in this world. My sleep issues are pervasive and constant and he can’t do anything to protect my sleep and make me sleep more. It’s literally impossible for him. The only thing he can do for my sleep is be in the room so I feel safe.
I can make space for him to sleep so that he can be more physically and mentally healthy. He is capable of sleeping when we make space. So yeah, that’s important. If I could nap he would protect my sleep with equal vigor.
No one is screwing me here.
EVEN WHEN I WANT TO BECAUSE TINY BABIES ARE COCK BLOCKERS.
Sarah and I are trying to be smart. We noticed that our next date is overlapping a weekend when she’s supposed to visit my kid. The last time we attempted that the whole weekend collapsed under the weight of too many plans and expectations and not enough spoons. So we moved it to be the only thing in a weekend so we can have the energy to really pay attention to each other. I’m not going to be here much longer. This matters.
I have been having a really intense amount of thinking and feeling about Sarah. I’m thinking about queerness and “dating” and what a relationship is. Not long ago I said to Noah, “Are we ever going to talk about Sarah being my girlfriend” and he kinda hurumphed in a way that acknowledged that there is there there but… yeah. We can’t do poly so we can’t label or name this or describe it or…
She’s my Sarah. I’ve loved her for 14 years. We almost broke up once and it was devastating to both of us. I hope we never fuck up so much again.
I know a lot of hetero “dating” couples who don’t have conventional sex. Sarah and I have had more sexual contact than some people who “date” do. So what does that mean?
Fuck if I know. But she’s mine. And I’m so grateful. When I am sad she is one of the few people I trust absolutely. When I am flailing and I feel out of control and I feel like I don’t know who I am or what I am doing or what I want Sarah can say, “Dude. I know you.”
That… is so much.
But Noah needs to be absolutely centered.
Complicated.