Yesterday we saw Noah’s uncle and grandmother for a visit. I… I felt a little stunned by the sheer quantity of bile that was spewed at speed. Hatred of fat people. Hatred of some ethnic groups while promoting rude stereotypes that are meant to be “positive” about other groups. Comments about trying to cause the death of family members because they deserve it.

Just… ugly.

After the bullshit with Noah’s mom and the uncle and the grandmother… we had a conversation with the kids about what they were hearing and being influenced by. We asked them if they are surprised that I’m not blowing up at people left and right. They said they had in fact been expecting me to react to the nastiness they heard and they were surprised…

We are here because of an impending death. I’m not going to start blowing up about social justice shit. But I am going to explain to my children in great detail, “You see why I don’t allow these people to have an impact on your developing mind. My family is worse. Do you now understand why we are alone as a nuclear family every holiday?”

They get it.

EC in particular talked about how sometimes she feels mad at us because we are alone at every holiday… but… being alone is better than A) pretending those things are ok to say or B) exploding at people over and over.

Option C) don’t visit bigots is the winner!

I don’t think I’ll come back for the next death visit Noah feels compelled to do. Depending on how soon it is… the kids might or might not come. Cause holy shit these people are nasty and vile and fuck you no you don’t get to tell my kids what to think or believe. No. No. No. No. No. No.

My kids deserve better than this bullshit. This hatred of people having bodies. This nasty venom about people being lazy and horrible just because of how they look.

The jokes about, “I give my brother in law a knife every year hoping he’ll use it on my sister and he hasn’t gotten the message yet.”

I was shocked into mute horrified silence. These aren’t my people. This is one of those situations where it “isn’t my place to be the problem”. So my kids don’t need to be here being “polite” and shutting up to listen to this disgusting language.

I am torn between wishing Noah would tell them off and understanding why he doesn’t. They wouldn’t change. This is why he just doesn’t come back much.

I am feeling a lot of appreciation for Noah in general. He came from this. They intended for him to turn out like them. And instead he works very hard to not be derogatory towards people. He does not joke about murdering people for fun. He doesn’t sprinkle racist stereotypes through his conversation. He doesn’t talk about people being less than him because he has been more successful in a certain way.

Noah was intended to be a complete piece of shit. Like his relatives. Instead he works hard on being a nice person who helps people. He gives as much as he can.

I suppose if I am looking for the silver lining, this trip is functioning a little bit like talking to Jenny does for me. Oh how far you have come. It is incredible what Noah has done with his brain and his personality and his verbal impulses. That’s a man who has worked to not be a fucker. It would have been so easy and automatic. So… instinctive. But he doesn’t want to be. He wants to be something different. He wants to be better than that. He wants to appreciate people and value them and build them up.

I am consistently impressed that when Noah is out in the world talking to random people and they mention that they are trying to learn programming stuff he never hesitates to give out his email address. “I’ve been working on x for y years. If you run into a problem and you feel stuck and frustrated, send me an email. I’d be happy to help.” He’s tutored a lot of people. He knows he was given an easy window into his profession and he tries to pay that forward.

There are reasons I wanted to marry him. He wants to pay forward the access to privilege. Holy tomato am I all over that.

It was interesting watching the venomous toads squat over their position in life with him sitting on the opposite side of the table representing a whole different set of choices and way of handling choices. It felt like watching the death cries of a dying way of life. Sorry low key white supremacists. The high key white supremacists (who you don’t agree with, partially because you know they are going to ruin your way of life) are out in the streets marching so you are not looking good in comparison. You used to be the moderates. Now you are sitting on the wrong side of the line of “good country people”.

The future is queer. The future is not white. The future is quite possibly going to be fat.

And that’s ok.

You can accept this future gracefully, with eagerness… or you can look like the evil poisonous toads you are.

Your choice.

I know that I will go swim in a different pond to avoid you.

But this is going to be constant. This is going to be everywhere. The flavor and manifestation will vary… but people suck. All over the world people suck. That’s not going to stop. How are we going to be like a willow and bend but not break?

That’s the lesson.