I have a problem. I’m an extrovert. I feed off of my relationships. I have spent a lot of the last six months reaching for moments when I would get to be with friends and fill my bucket up for how much I give my kids.

But other people have their own needs and limitations and preferences.

We are supposed to try to spend a bunch of time near Jenny’s family. I fucking ruin everything. If I try to live near her I am going to want to be a priority and I can’t be. She’s not doing anything wrong.

Wanting to feel included and like I am a priority fucks me over and over.

Nobody owes me anything so when I spend my energy in a dead sprint trying to get to that point where my bucket will get filled… it is my fault when I leave feeling depleted, unwanted, and stupid.

It’s not ok to expect anything from anyone.

It really isn’t helpful that I don’t know how to talk about what I need until something is over and I know “that’s not what I needed.”

This is part of why I try to build up a history of doing stuff. That fails too because people change what they want, need, and have to offer.

I am scared of going to Jenny because I can’t expect a god damn thing or I will be a problem again.

I am sad. I worked hard here. It didn’t build what I wanted. I don’t know what would. But I failed.

How am I going to stop wanting connection? That seems like an important thing for me to learn.

I need to something. But for now what I do is cry. Because the last month has not gone how I wanted it to. Oh well.

Life continues.

I am hoping that I have shitty internet.