We finally got the internet to work. *phew* I really didn’t want to move apartments given that Eldest Child puked yesterday, Middle Child feels like he could, and all of us have diarrhea.  

I have so many thoughts in my head. I can’t use pot so they are pretty overwhelming.

Why do I react with negativity when a lady asks me if I am enjoying my shopping? Why do I act like enjoying shopping is dirty and I am bad? I mean… my favorite kind of shopping is for groceries. But I do *love* grocery shopping. And I was doing grocery shopping in a foreign country! So I was very much enjoying it! But that felt… not ok? It’s weird.

My kids are so fried. I don’t think today is going to be very productive and I need to be kind about it. They are tired. They got through an incredibly rough day yesterday and didn’t hit *done* till 28 hours into it. That’s great.

I have this thing I do. I don’t think I’m worth very much so I try to substitute in the opinions of other people who have more esteem for me. This is complicated for so many reasons. If someone doesn’t have time for me does that mean I cease to have value as a person? If someone would prefer to spend their time with someone else, does that mean terrible things about me? My response at this point is anger instead of just feeling like I should kill myself. That’s… progress? It’s still not great.

I wish I didn’t have this terrible burning need to be with other people. I hurt myself so much trying to be available, trying to create opportunities for other people to spend time with me.

You know what? If those people wanted to spend more time with me they would probably… do that. They wouldn’t avoid me.

This is really weird and hard. Like, I’ve been hyperventilating and crying trying to figure out how I am going to handle visiting Jenny. I love Jenny so much. But I get on her nerves. We have a limited amount of time we can spend together before I start getting twitchy and feeling like everything I say/do/think is wrong and I am a terrible person. Jenny doesn’t say these things. She’s never said anything like that. She just sets boundaries, firmly. That’s important! That’s necessary! That’s part of why we have survived so many decades of friendship! My friendship with Jenny is one of the healthier relationships of my life. Lots of boundaries.

I *want* to go to the UK for the six month visitor visa and spend all that time staring at Jenny’s beautiful face.

I am abjectly terrified that after week three we would stop being friends. So I’m not going to go spend six months in Scotland. I need this relationship to continue. I need to be able to have her in my life and if that means a lot of restrictions and boundaries around what that means… so be it.

Relationships change. People change. Their needs and what they have to offer changes. I don’t think most people are good about being honest about this.

It is very very hard when people change what they have to offer and don’t talk about it. I do it. I’m shitty like that sometimes. I try to talk about what I am up for, but I fail. I fail over and over and over.

I don’t know how to go through life without hope. I am a very hopeful person. I set up these things to hope for and that keeps me moving forward. Finding a partner, having kids, home schooling, travel, my various friendships…

I have realistically had a higher than “expected” or deserved success rate.

It is not really ok that I’m such an asshole and so disappointed by life when I have gotten almost everything I wanted from my adult life. I am a selfish, small, ridiculous person. So much goes right. I really am lucky.

Sometimes things don’t work out how I hope. Sometimes I don’t even understand the size or shape of what I am hoping for until it is too late and the opportunity is lost and I am just filled with horrible disappointment and panic and anger and fury.

I am not claiming that this fury is justified, appropriate, or acceptable.

People are going to disappoint me. People are going to change what they have to offer.

People are going to not want to pay much attention to me sometimes. They are busy. They have other people who are more important.

Coping with that is hard.

It is hard to pretend that I don’t notice how much less important I am than I used to be. I understand that it is both appropriate and acceptable that I have been demoted. What I have to offer in this life is not good enough for everyone. Not because I suck, but because I have a distinctly limited quantity of time and energy to give.

I got married and had kids. I dropped out of social circles. I stopped being very active in other peoples lives. That’s on me.

It is *good* that people moved on and found more fulfilling connections. They should. I want them to. I want my friends to have partnerships or children or companionship that I cannot provide.

I do.

But sometimes I feel small and selfish because I am sad that I am less important than I want to be. Because I can spend months planning to see my friend and I am slapped in the face with the reality that I am not the most important person in their life.

I am not. I should not be. It would be a problem if I was because I am not enough. I cannot be enough. I don’t have enough to offer. I do the best I can and that is not good enough.

Errrrr especially with how *many* people I love…. I am not big enough.

But sometimes I am so sad. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I feel crushing disappointment. Sometimes I want to hurt these people I love because I am so upset about not being more to them.

That fucking sucks.

People tell me that you should give from an open heart and not do so because you want to get something back.

Sometimes I can. Sometimes I am hurting myself to give and when I don’t get back what I need to receive…

My bucket is just empty.

I have been struggling with feeling empty for a while. I keep trying to set things up such that my bucket gets filled. Then I get to the activity that would hopefully fill my bucket and instead it feels like my friend takes the bucket, flips it over, then drills a hole.

It hurts.

I am a future tripper. It is how I survive hating myself.

It is akin to people who say that they can’t buy clothes/go on a trip/do a cool thing until they lose weight.

If I work hard enough and give enough maybe someday I will cause other people to like me enough that I will get to like me too.

No matter how much I offer: time, energy, money, vacations… I can’t do enough for people that they will like me enough that I can like myself. That’s just going to fail.

I wish I felt more entitled to the love my children offer. But I’m afraid of being too enmeshed and hurting them. So I force distance and still look to my friends. And then that is mixed.

It would be wise for me to look to my friends less. Which is so complicated and hard. They have been my everything. Only now they can’t be. Just like I can’t be their everything.

I don’t know how to stop looking to my friends for the reflection of what I am worth.

But uhhhh frankly I need to. Because I am worth more than my friends can give me.

But I don’t want to be more than the reflection from my friends.

This shit is so hard.

I have never wanted to be an independent person. Not really. I want to be part of a pod, a group, a community… a *family*.

I have that now. And my friends are not part of it. I wish that fact didn’t make me feel so fucking bad. I feel like I am letting everyone down and being a horrible person. But it’s true. So much of life is like that. It fucking hurts. I don’t want the truth to be so painful. I want all of my friends to count as my family.

But at the end of the day… when they want to see their family… I am not on the list.

I had so damn many kids partially to cope with this. My friends have always loved me and spent time with me… then gone back to their families.

It *is* appropriate and right. They should.

But I’m sad.

I mean, I’m having lots of feelings all at once. That is part of what is so hard about not having pot.

I had a fun interaction with a security guard. As I was walking through a drive way to get to the GIANT mall he asked me how I was doing. I said I was fine and asked how he was. He was super melodramatic (in a fun way) and he told me, “Picture this: you are a princess and I am your body guard.” He then escorted me across the driveway and was funny and fun about all of it. When we got to the far side he asked me how I was feeling now. I told him I was definitely feeling like a princess. He was happy. (Conversation now paraphrased and I may not be doing him perfect justice.) He was funny and fun.

I’ve now been in Malaysia for over a day. I haven’t had a pissy feeling towards a person here yet. That may be a record for me. Ha. Malaysians are *so* nice. And *so* friendly. And *so* helpful.

I can’t gush enough about how nice people are being. Folks in the US find it odd how much I like being randomly helpful. But this country kind of feels like a whole bunch of people I understand.

Another weird bit that I’m noticing… this might a country that shares a few too many of my predilections. Like how I am an initiator and not good at follow up? Yeah… I feel like I see that around me.

Kuala Lumpur is an up and coming city. There are fantastic sky scrapers that absolutely rival everything nice in New York City. But they are cheek and jowl with old dilapidated buildings that seem on the verge of collapse. The roads are beautifully shaped… until they crumble at the edge.

Frankly I don’t know how they build this stuff given the weather. The soil must be mostly sand.

And the palm groves are magnificent. From the sky they are in carefully cultivated paths and rows.

We passed multiple herds of cows between the airport and the city. This country is so wonderfully urban… and rural… all within the same area. You don’t see multiple cow herds within 10 minutes of downtown New York. You won’t see cows between SFO and San Francisco.

This country is fascinating and beautiful. And dear cheese I love the rain.

This won’t be my forever place. But I’m really enjoying this.

And holy tomatoes on toast the food is goooooooooooooooooooooood.

We bought a large breakfast from a street vendor. 15 ringgit for all of us. That’s just over $4.

Apparently folks cook lots at home and come out and sell for a bit then run out of food and someone else comes to the spot a little while later.

I see what our laws are trying to protect people from. Yet being here makes me think that the US regulates way too much. I’m not even sure what laws I would redact.

In completely random news: her sweetness has a little bit of a rash. Not in her private areas, on her back and the outside of her thighs. I’m not sure what is going on. It’s been there for a couple of days. I’m watching it and slathering it in Aquafor. If it is still there when we are here for a few more days I will email her doctor so she can come in the day after we get back.

My kids are not doing poorly on academics… but I am struggling to be as patient with them as I should be. I’ve been testy all day. We are all over tired. We are all out of patience. And I’m unmedicated. This sucks.

When I went grocery shopping I bought a lot of shit. Toilet paper, mouthwash, tea, sugar, milk, salad, nuts, a lunch meat packet, a little bit of toothpaste, fruit (a bunch), water… I think that is all? It was $40! I had two heavy bags to carry! It was like a trip to the dollar store, yo.

I am not sure we are going to be able to stay in this apartment. Which is stressful as fuck. There isn’t internet. And that’s a problem given that Noah has to work these two weeks. The host isn’t responding to the three messages I left today. That’s not good. It makes sense that the host is less than responsive. We are his last clients. The building has signs up saying that two days after we leave no more AirBnB in the building. I wouldn’t be shocked if they are douches about it.

Ok, that’s my only negative experience with a local.

Lunch was a mix of salad greens, nuts, and pastrami. That was awesome. And now when I go have dinner I will feel super awesome about eating anything that seems appealing. Ha.

I do love my children. I am grateful every day that I have Noah. I am a lucky woman. I have a family.