I am feeling utterly overwhelmed. Just talking to the PT about the vaginal dilation stuff she wants me to do is flipping me out and I’m coming home unsettled and kind of fragile and bitchy and that sucks. And I don’t even know how to talk to my kids about the fact that I kind of want to scream and break things because I am overwhelmed by talking to someone who is so emphatic about wanting me to change how my cunt works.

This shit is intense. I feel scared and nervous and upset. I feel like I need to shut down and tighten every muscle in my body for a fight.

Because I’m supposed to put some god damn plastic not-a-dildo up against my vaginal opening and not move it around.

I can’t begin to express how viscerally and existentially upsetting that is right now. Like, I’m literally clenching my legs closed as I type because I feel so upset.

It’s not supposed to be sexy. It’s supposed to be teaching the muscles to recognize being touched as not an attack. My PT stressed repeatedly that the clients who fail to make progress are the clients who say, “I can shove things in even if it hurts.”

Dat me.

I’m supposed to find 20 minutes every day in peace and calm stillness to gently stimulate my vagina. And now I’m crying.

Right this minute I’m feeling very overwhelmed about all the shit on my plate.

Home schooling continues. For the past couple of days I have been having the kids make up their own daily schedules and it has reduced my yelling in very useful ways. The kids are managing their time a little, but it’s a lot of time and brain power from me still. I weirdly enjoyed all the grading I got to do this week.

Packing and getting rid of our stuff is a job.

I have to start doing yard work more seriously to prep for sale. I put in a few hours yesterday and I should be doing an hour or two every day for a while. This is only annoying because the baby is hard core in separation anxiety and she doesn’t want to be put down much while I work.

My kids are needing a lot of emotional coaching right now. It’s a normal part of parenting, but we are having intense therapy level talks almost every day and sometimes multiple times a day. Processing how to appropriately explain the stuff they want to hear about puberty and sex and mental health is hard. Professionals train for years to be able to give the lectures I’m giving and most parents just refuse to answer these questions.

The baby is 9.5 months old and the whole first year is always overwhelming and hard. I’m not sleeping enough and my shoulders are wrecked from night nursing again. But it’s better than it used to be.

And I’m not going to chiro or acupuncture or much massage. Why? Money. Time. Energy. It is hard to do all the work to support my body feeling better. That’s a fucking job and I just don’t have time.

I have been….. partly through idiocy (choice) and partially through absent-mindedness not medicating on a regular schedule. I’m taking pills occasionally but not consistently. I might have to learn how to function without meds when we move. This is hard. I use this drug for a fucking reason.

The PT exercises other than the vaginal stimulation aren’t that hard but they do take time. At least 30 minutes. And now I’m supposed to add 20 minutes/day of vaginal pressure. And I should be out walking a lot. So at this point I should be spending a minimum of two hours/day on exercise. Oh that’s easy to do.

I’m trying as hard as I can to cook more. Noah needs less work on his plate. I keep thinking I’m almost done with packing and things will get easier. Hasn’t quite happened yet. I am praying that when we move and I don’t have as many house and outside chores this will be easier.

Is that it?

I feel a lot of pull to write more. Both fiction (oddly, because that’s not my normal thing…. but I have a couple of stories kicking around in my head and I want to see where they go) and non-fiction. I want to fix the second damn book. Ugh. Frustrating.

I’m still trying to establish a routine with hygiene stuff. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy is this so hard? Because I’m autistic and I have ADHD and PTSD and it’s very well documented that folks with any singular one of these diagnoses struggle with hygiene. IT’S NOT JUST ME.

And then there are all the relationships I feel like I should be doing a bunch of work to maintain. This is feeling so hard.

I’m overwhelmed and trying not to over react. I think that mostly for the past few days I’ve done ok. Today is hard. My kids don’t understand why I want to cry.

Noah would really like sex. He’s being super polite about it. He hasn’t pressured me or bugged me in any way. And we haven’t had sex. I have so many feelings about this.

I don’t know how to center myself right this minute.

Also: administrative note: I am going to try to post more from my phone because the talk to text works best there. It hates the adult-only tag and that makes my blog entries kind of annoying to track. I’m trying to figure it out.