I talked to someone I have known for a long time last night about me having kids. Ironically, said person is not on this filter by her own request. I’m not really trying to talk about her behind her back but including her seems somehow disrespectful when she stated that she doesn’t want to hear it. First she doesn’t think me having kids is ok because the planet is overpopulated. Fair enough. But she said she also thinks that someone with my history of mental health issues shouldn’t be having children. To say the least this was hard to hear. I managed to keep myself from bursting into tears with effort.
My mental health stuff is something that I have agonized about for years. I have also felt paranoid that people felt this way and weren’t telling me. I guess now it no longer counts as paranoia. I feel somewhat hurt that she said it, but it isn’t as if we have ever been particularly close friends anyway. Given how little she is in my life I doubt this will affect our relationship much at all. But that’s not the point.
I have a pretty serious history of mental health issues. I have been diagnosed with a wide array of disorders (sometimes contradictory) throughout my life. I don’t try to hide this or down play it. I just deal with it. I deal with feeling depressed. I deal with the excessive responses (mania). I deal with my compulsions. I deal with my mood swings. I’m not the easiest person to live with but I believe I am far from the hardest. I feel like telling me that I shouldn’t have children because of my mental health issues is tantamount to telling someone who has a physical disability that they shouldn’t have children. And if you are going to go down that path, where does the line get drawn? Should someone with diabetes have children? Should remarkably ugly people have children? (Ok, that part is being sarcastic.) Where is the line drawn? Who gets to decide who is appropriate for breeding. Because as soon as you start talking about how people with defects shouldn’t have children you are talking about breeding.
Yes, my children are potentially at risk of being severely depressed during their lifetimes. My children are also very likely to be incredibly intelligent (such traits are strongly genetically linked). My children are also very likely to be creative and interesting. If you go through history many of the most brilliant and influential people have had various mental health issues. Does depression make life harder? Yes. I think it is worth dealing with anyway. If I didn’t I would have off-ed myself years ago. I also believe that my kids are going to have the fairly unusual situation of living with someone who actively deals with their shit rather than blaming or denying or hiding from life. I have survived some pretty intense things and I believe that I can help my kids be strong and independent people as well or I wouldn’t have them.
I know I know… I don’t need to justify my decision. But I do need to think about it.
that and what is considered nutty in one culture is revered in another. Japanese think Americans are all fucked up cause we want to be independent and Japanese culture revers folks who truly embrace co-dependency. We medicate our schzophrenics and in Bali they make them priests and holymen.
Will you be the world’s BEST parent? Proof will be in the pudding — being a parent changes people. I”m fairly sure you’ll be a hell of a lot better than some of the folks in our social group who already have kids. So screw it.
Darlin’,
You have the most important qualification: you *want* children.
You planned for this. It’s not an “accident”.
You will not be perfect. No one is. But you will bring something precious and valuable to a child: you.
hugs & kisses,
your childless friend (by choice)
who supports your choice to be a mom!
I thought about that for a *really* long time. Do I want children, knowing the history of mental health problems both I and my family have had? Do I want children, knowing the tendancy toward addiction? Etc. etc.
I don’t have answers yet, except that I am getting to the point in my life where I am starting to think I do want children. But I also remind myself that medical science is getting a better understanding of the brain every day. That therapy techniques are still developing and progressing, and that by the time my children are born, I have no idea the progress which may have been made.
Yes, you’re pregnant now, but by the time these issues come forward, IF they come forward in your children, there will be progress in the assistance they can get.
Just my $.02.
Don’t depend on modern therapy to fix this stuff, in the same way that you shouldn’t depend on a guy changing all his irritating points in order to marry him.
It’ll be nice if it happens, but you really shouldn’t count on it.
For instance, most schizophrenia is better-delimited from other mental disorders than ever before, which doesn’t mean we can do a damn thing about it now that we couldn’t do 6000+ years ago. Well, other than call it by a fancy name.
OTOH, knowing that is something. 🙂
It’s not that I depend on modern therapy to fix it so much as the more experience we have with it, the better we can identify coping mechanisms that work!
almost everyone I know has had some depression, anxiety, etc.
if that disqualifies one from having children, we’ll soon be a society of old, depressed people.
I think there are more diagnoses today (for everything from ADD & autistic disorders to diabetes, hypertension and depression)
I think you’re going to be a good parent because you care about being a parent. *hug*
You’ve gone into this with your eyes open, you’re not afraid to analyze yourself or those around you, and you love. I think you’ll be fine.
The difference is that you will be a good parent. With support those higher risks may not come to light, and if they do, your kids will have a strong emotional base to draw from. They will learn from how you deal with your issues. Having kids without taking responsibility for them and teaching them how to deal with these issues would be wrong, but thats not what you’re doing. You have my support on this issue.
But she said she also thinks that someone with my history of mental health issues shouldn’t be having children.
With all due respect to whomever this person is, fuck that noise.
First of all, what everyone else said – you’re going into this with eyes open, and with genuine desire. This isn’t an “oh, we messed up the birth control, but we’re married so it’s ok” situation – this is a “We’ve researched modern fertility techniques, and if those hadn’t worked, we were going to the ancient ones – and if live animal sacrifice is necessary, well, we know people who own chickens.” There’s many a parent not that dedicated.
And whatever mental health issues you have, you’re fighting them. If you’d just completely given up, let yourself be a drug zombie, abandoning yourself to medication and disability, yeah, that would be bad. But right now? Full support, here.
And, I would like to point out to the unnamed person that while you’re the one *having* the baby, you have this person in your life called a “husband”. I’m pretty sure he’s also going to have a role in rasing this child, and some of the genetic inheritance is going to come from him. Is your baby still at risk for whatever genetic links exist (if any) for your issues? Sure. But it’s not exclusive. There’s no telling how the genetic lottery machine will come out.
I look over my friends list, and short of the people who’ve decided to be actively child-free, I can’t think of anyone who would make a bad parent. Including you and your hubby.
You are strong. And like you said, you DEAL with your stuff. What a great example to a child!
And here I would figure that such a pessimistic person would also argue that you shouldn’t have kids because if you look at the world, nuclear war is highly likely within our lifetime, and bringing children into a world where they’ll just be irradiated and die horribly makes you a sadistic person.
*shrug* Like all criticism: listen, evaluate, and internalize or discard as appropriate.
oh, poop.
enjoy being pregnant.
enjoy having your kid.
(watch out for that post-partum stuff.)
you better enjoy having them.
’cause you sure as shit are gonna want to sell them later on….
I’m sayin’!! Can I get an Amen, and are there any bidders? I’ve got a 13 year old cheap. 😉
my dad used to say:
“i wouldn’t give you a plug nickel for ’em. but wouldn’t sell ’em for a million bucks.”
he musta liked me more than i like mine, some days….
Most people aren’t cut out to inspire a room full of challenged teenagers either, we all have our callings.
This makes your heart swell. I respect you for facing the questions, but I have every reason to believe that you have busted your ass 10x harder than most ever have …and you aren’t stopping anytime soon.
If it’s hard, you’ll be great at dealing with the hard stuff. We all do.
You’re going to be really good at being a parent,
because you are thinking about these things.