There are two sides to every story. I don’t want to make it sound like I think I was endlessly giving and perfect and she sucked. That’s not true. I was not healthy with my boundaries and I gave more than I should have hoping that it would cause her to get crappier with her boundaries so she would give me more.

That’s complicated.

Was I really hoping that she would get crappier with her boundaries? I don’t know. I wanted to be more of a priority.

Like the precipitating event that caused us to stop living together. We negotiated extensively that she would have dinner on the table at 5:30. I worked my whole day around getting home for dinner. She was in bed and had done nothing because she didn’t feel good.

When do I get to start the part of my life where I don’t have to do anything for anybody unless I feel good enough? Because let me tell you if I am supposed to wait until I feel good to do things for people…. y’all are fucked. I never feel good. Maybe a handful of days in a year I feel good. Mostly my body is a nightmare. Headaches, back pain, hand and arm pain. My neck hurts all the time. My feet are struggling with the adjustment to hiking boots (I’m probably lacing too tight) but it’s clearly helping my ankles and knees.

I need to learn some lessons here. I want to handle my shit better in the future. I want to have healthier relationships. So how do I need to change in order to make situations like this go better in the future? It’s going to be subtly different but I will be the consistent element. How do I not encourage people to treat me badly because it is what I expect?

I need to find a way to convince my brain that “You should do _____” is not actually an order and I don’t have to start complying. That’s hard. I do that. It’s worse with women than men. Things like, “You should teach sex ed to the kids in the group” so I went home and wrote up a full lesson plan. Then she said she was kidding. Why did I waste my time?

Because I’m waiting for other people to tell me what kind of tool I am. I’m waiting for other people to tell me how I am valuable to them so I can double down on those behaviors in order to be more pleasing.

I want to please you. I want to be loved. I want to be important.

But you put me on your calendar only to drop me anytime you don’t feel very well.

You hardly ever feel well, too.

This sucks.

I don’t feel entitled to anything so I don’t like to ask for support. So when I do ask and you let me down it feels like an absolute betrayal instead of like a person just not getting everything done. It feels like you are telling me that I never deserved the support I asked for.

You were really happy to be the person who did X for me. So I told you I needed X by Thursday. Then you forgot. Then you yelled at me that I didn’t tell you when I needed it. Ok sure, you went back and checked records and apologized later because I DID TELL YOU but that doesn’t save me on Thursday when you didn’t do the thing and you are yelling at me that it is my fault it didn’t get done because I wasn’t clear enough. When I was clear enough.

But you were effectively my free therapist holding the thread of me together for over ten years. You gave me purposed. You allowed me to love you. What is that worth in trade?

A lot. But I don’t know how much.

What is the part I need to not do again?

I need to stop putting myself into caretaker positions for disabled people. I am not well enough. I damage myself because you are more important than me. That will result in me not making it into old age for my kids. I have to stop.

I made these kids. I owe them; not you.

I am enjoying this baby so much. She’s feeling like such an important member of our little crew already. We all pivot to her. We all have to check our behavior with her. We all have to stop and decide if the way we have been unconsciously behaving is good enough for her. That’s feeling lovely. I can’t have another kid in ten years to restart this pattern, but this is feeling good.

Ok. Have to run.