I was looking at our passports last night, and the expiration dates, and what countries we are going into soon… oh. We need to have two passports renewed. ASAP. Or… Thailand and Taiwan will complain because they want your passport to be still valid for a long time after you enter, not a short time.

Ok, we will be in the Portland/southern Washington region longer than I hoped. More like two months. I think I am going to attempt to extend the AirBnB in Inverness and just extend that portion to meet up with when we have to get to Washington. That’s less moving for the kids. It’s only another couple of weeks. Noah will be going to Rotterdam and Brighton without us. I need to handle passports and we have a hard deadline of going to Bangkok the first week in September so… gotta get shit taken care of.

At least I can have pot.

I haven’t bought all the airline tickets and middle stops for Noah yet. But I have a line item to do list in our travel compilation doc. It’ll all get done over the next few days.

I think we stayed too long in Hawaii. Our local friends are getting flakey. “I will call you on Friday to tell you when I want to hang out” has turned into not hearing from her on Friday or Saturday and my kids are starting to twitch with anticipation. We leave in 14 days. The kids blew the first week. They got to see friends once the second week. Now we are entering the penultimate week and they have no plans made. I am doing my best to rest and not care. I need to not care what anyone else is doing.

I shared food with the homeless folk at the beach so they gave me a hit of pot. I was surprised I felt is since my tolerance is normally so high. My belly went, “Oh that. Yes please, more.” Alas, I am not going to ask them for tons.

Things are improving, but we still have stuff to work on. Because we are human.

But I am: not on the medication that many doctors think is the last resort for me to get my shit together, my sleep is interrupted constantly and I’ve been functioning on 4-5 hours of sleep for years. This mattress sucks and my back is starting to hurt. Babysitter’s mama has asked about taking my kids one at a time for a special outing. This sounds nice for them and like I won’t get any kind of fucking break because the two kids who are left will be like “Hey that kid is getting extra attention I WANT EXTRA ATTENTION TOO” and I am going to melt down. Taking one kid at a time does not give me a break, unfortunately.

I did some, but not all of my PT yesterday. I’m having so much trouble yelling at everyone to leave me alone long enough for me to do them. If I start and the demands start… I stop and just give up. I am so tired of trying to force enough space for me to get to have anything. I read books 1-2 pages at a time in between interruptions and it is so frustrating.

I simultaneously feel like I am losing my mind and like I am just becoming more and more numb. I am so weary. I am not exploding as much. Maybe they aren’t hitting my electrified boundaries in the same way? I’m still snippy and impatient. But I’m impatient because I have to ask them 6-10 times for things to get done.

I am so fucking tired and frustrated.

But I’m not yelling.

We don’t have a list of house chores the kids have to do before screen time. So that’s going poorly. I need to have a way to tie it to some kind of behavior and I haven’t figured that out yet. I am really annoyed I have been telling Shanna to take a shower for three days and she hasn’t done it because she keeps saying “After this game” on her fucking computer. She just got it back and she’s about to lose it again. Fuck your fucking games. They are not requirements for life. And you’ve been nasty to your brother since you got it back.

But when her brother watches screen, he spends EVERY OTHER MINUTE OF THE DAY pestering everyone to play with him. He thinks it is everyone in the houses’ job to entertain him and buddy I don’t think so.

When I am recuperating my body from taking you to the beach ALL DAY the day before it’s not fair for you to whine at me that I’m not playing enough. And the day before the beach I took you to the fucking mall to replace the things that you outgrew and you had a fun day and I spent all day handling heavy shit.

I am really tired of my children thinking I have an inhuman reserve of strength for being their pack mule.

I am sad that my back finally hurts. Time to look for a massage.