I am enjoying the book on CPTSD I’m reading. It’s very useful framing for a lot of what is going on in my brain. I will always struggle with this shit. Every time I struggle I will feel like I have made no progress at all and I am a failure.

This is part of the norm for people like me.

I feel like night weaning is going well-ish again. She is still waking up a ton but I am far more patient with it when I’m not in pain. Her ever increasing number of teeth are brutal.

We had an accident today on the rug. A marker broke. I was hungry and I worried about exploding so I went and ate something before I talked to a kid about it. Mistakes happen. We all break things. We all have times when we mess up. I am creating my children’s inside voice when I react to things like this. I said, “Hey! Know how you have a whole bunch of short term savings in case you need to fix a mistake? You have literally prepared for this happening. Because life is hard and things happen. It’s ok. It’s just a thing. Nobody died.”

*pat self on back*

I feel like I was a complete basket case for the first 18 months of having the two big kids. As much as I am still struggling (fucking nightmares) things are better than they were at the same age with the big kids. Her Sweetness is only 14 months old and I can eat something and respond calmly to an issue. I don’t think I was capable of that 8 years ago.

As much as I feel like I will never be anything other than a monster… I am improving with age. I just have to be willing to look at things in perspective. I am still not who I want to be.

I think often of what Jenny put in my birthday book. I look at myself and see how far I still want to get. She looks at me and sees how far I have come.

I get to see Jenny in a week. I’m so excited.

I am working hard on trying to get my emotions under control. I need to absorb the tranquility of Japan even with the frustrations of the limitations of this space. I have to. I want to make a good impression on Jenny’s kids. If I fuck up the first impression this time… I won’t be able to get that back. The older girl will remember me this time. I don’t want to be “that bitch” in her memory.

Come on Krissy, get it together.

Not to mention that I’m thinking really hard about how my behavior impacts Noah and I’m thinking about how I want to be impacting Noah. I actually got fairly lucky in my dating life. I was treated pretty darn well by most of the people I dated. Noah is a shining star above all of them. Noah has given me consistency (even though that is super hard for him) and kindness (that the world has never given him) and love (that no one ever gave him).

I want to be the partner he deserves. Because he tells me that he is the partner I deserve and he is so great.