Noah is walking to the store. I have a sleeping baby on my lap. Big kids are in their apartment folding their clean laundry.

It’s been a tiring day. We walked a bit over 5 miles today. We went to thrift stores but no one wanted some of the stuff I wanted to donate. Shit. I was able to get rid of clothing at H&M. That did help but some of this stuff is going to end up in the garbage and that makes me sad.

I’m getting a lot out of this book (Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA). A few friends have commented that they felt I was regressing since Her Sweetness was born. I think that is true. I think I have done so with each of my kids. I think that my early life (like the first 2 years) was probably a lot more traumatic than I even understand. I think that’s part of why I am such a basket case when I have tiny children. I feel like their needs matter and mine don’t and I drive myself to utter exhaustion and depletion trying to be there for them around the clock with inadequate support. 

I definitely perceive some of the lack of support as being my fault. Noah and I have shoved our parents away and that’s who helps most people.

I’ve been thinking about something in context of the online therapy and reading this book: why does being alone feel like such punishment? Well, I suspect that is related to a lot of my foster homes. A lot of the places where I was sent to live would tell me that I had to stay alone in a room for all of the hours I was in the house because I was bad. So being alone makes me feel like I am still in that place. Like I don’t deserve to be around people. Because I am bad and bad and bad.

The online shrink asked how I handle tasks like going to get massage or brushing my teeth as self-care. Can I handle them? Well, I have had to mostly learn to perceive these activities as saving Noah money in the long run. I feel a lot of shame over how much money he has already spent fixing my shitty body. (God my mouth is expensive.) I don’t want to cost him any more than I absolutely have to and that means I have to do maintenance work. I can’t be penny wise and pound foolish on him. That’s not fair. I have to do this stuff or I am going to be way more expensive in the future. I’m disabled and it is getting worse. It will get a lot worse in the future if I don’t do everything I can to fight against the flow now.

But if I don’t have time alone I go crazy and get really fucking mean. So this balance of not wanting to be alone is a problem.

It’s useful to be reminded that I am basically in a large scale flash back and that’s why I am not coping as well as I was before I got pregnant again. It’s neat having Eldest Child remember that I was a lot more calm and patient and good at dealing with problems before I got pregnant. She said it was like a switch flipped.

Oh baby. And it was easier this time.

It’s nice that I can at least see that for myself. This time was easier and it was still hard. It was easier mostly because of the big kids and that feels complicated. I’ve tried hard not to lean on them too much, but I definitely have times when I say things like “Hold your baby I have to grab x”. (Like I did today when I was carrying stuff up and down stairs.)

I don’t feel possessive of her. We all wanted her to be made. She is our baby. Which is neat and complicated. I don’t feel like the kids are sub-parents. But we take the family pod thing pretty seriously. We belong to each other. They are only mine in as much as I am theirs. My kids talk pretty regularly about how lucky they feel to have each other as friends. “I’m so glad I like you so much.” We have periods where they struggle with each other, of course, but overall the balance for us is so heavily weighed towards finding solutions and nobody being More Important that I feel really happy.

I wanted this with my “chosen family” and that didn’t work out.

I am struggling with trying to view the chosen family stuff not working out the same way that I view my previous romantic relationships not working out. It’s not that I failed at those relationships: they ran their course and I learned a lot and they were good. I wouldn’t have been able to have as healthy of a relationship with Noah if I had not had those experiences and I am glad I am this level of healthy for him. I would not be able to be as good for/with my kids as I am if not for the relationships I had with my chosen family people.

We are reading a book called Philosophy for Kids and it presents a bunch of philosophical arguments and then prompts discussion. There was a question about what makes a friend. It was an Aristotelian sort of lens. It was interesting to me how my definition of friendship culls a lot of people and yet… it doesn’t? I maintain a lot of relationships because people are important to me. I can be in my blog screaming “Fuck you” because I have big feelings and then write you a long letter about what I appreciate about you. Because both feelings are true and present.

The fuck yous are mostly about me trying to come to grips with my expectations for you being out of whack with reality.

My expectations really fuck me over.

They ruin friendships. They ruin situations that should be good for me. Because I have this picture in my head of what I want things to be like and other people… don’t share those pictures.

It’s part of why I ask my kids so many questions about what they want from me and what they want in relationships. I can’t guess. I will fuck it up. I can’t try to force our relationship to be what I want… I will fuck it up. I hurt Noah so much with my bullshit expectations.

I can’t figure it out and manage to get it right with every friend I have. But I need to get it right with these four people. My friendships will have to morph or die and that has to be ok and healthy and appropriate.

Today I read something about how when you have CPTSD sometimes the most correct actions in a given moment make you feel ashamed and terrified because those behaviors were not acceptable during your childhood.

I feel like Sarah and I traumatized each other. We were neither of us the most healthy of people with the best boundaries and we used our individual neediness as a weapon against the other. That completely sucks because we really do love each other. Sometimes love is not enough. If I don’t feel like breaking up with my Owner was a failure because we needed different things from a partnership, why do I feel like a failure because my relationship with Sarah ended? Why do I use that feeling of failure as a bludgeon on myself to “prove” that I am pathetic and bad at relationships and incapable of being a good friend?

Fucking brains, yo.

I mean, I keep talking about how I will only focus on my family. But I’m running to Jenny. When I leave Jenny I go to see a whole bunch of people I love very much in the PNW. I have folks I will be seeing in Portland and Seattle and Eugene. Because they are important. Because when I have that physical distance most of the time it is easier for me to feel grateful about 3 hours of talking every few years being enough. I don’t have bigger expectations of people when we don’t live near each other on the regular.

Ok, that’s a lie too. It hurts that Dad only invites me to leather events when I bloody well don’t have childcare and that’s just not an option for me. He doesn’t invite me into his family where my children would be appropriate.

But I cope with that by putting him in a little box and not ever asking for anything from him. I get what I get and I shouldn’t be upset.

Fuck should.

But I love him. I want what I get so I am not allowed to complain about not getting more. I fucked things up with Sarah wanting more and I don’t want to do that with everyone. So I will smile and hug him and enjoy the moments I get to have and that’ll be that.

Life is so complicated. I have so much good going for me. I really don’t get to feel like my life is unfairly bad at this stage. But I’m a selfish twat waffle and I want ALL THE GOOD. Geez woman. There isn’t enough time in the day for all the good. You get a lot.

Really, I do get a lot.

Life doesn’t always bring this much good to a person.

Show some damn gratitude.

Breathe deep. Things will be ok.

We will find a forever home. We have friends and we will make more. We do that. Now I have a family. If I can make a family this awesome…. I can do anything.