In the interests of fair warning: if you offer unsolicited advice that I don’t want to hear I may simply delete the comment, I may take you off this filter, or I may unfriend you entirely. Sharing similar experiences doesn’t generally feel the same way to me but weigh carefully in your mind how you think I might feel about receiving the comment given that I am getting a really large amount of unsolicited feedback. It isn’t that I despise any all feedback/comments it is just that I don’t need any more messages telling me what to do right now.
I have noticed that lately I am experiencing far more shame reactions to things. I suspect that a lot of these are springing from indoctrinations about who/what I “should” be as a parent and as a person. Even the fact that lj comments are sometimes bothering me and I don’t know how to handle them is causing some serioius shame reactions. I think mainly because I have been getting angry about a lot of things, often even things that normally wouldn’t set me off. Given that I have a lower than average bar for becoming irritated this is pretty noticeable and significant. Almost every time I get angry I mentally (and often verbally depending on who is around) go through all of the things that my sadistic/mean-spirited mind would really like to say/do in response to whatever stimulus is currently getting to me. I rehearse it and visualize it several times until I feel almost like I *have* done whatever mean thing and then I feel guilty then ashamed that I am the kind of person who does that sort of thing… even though I didn’t actually do it. Even thinking harsh things is enough to set me into a spiral where I am convinced that I am an awful person who deserves every bad thing in the world. This is intensified significantly if I share those mean-spirited vents with someone I think of as close and they tell me they don’t approve or that they express that what I am thinking is awful. Then it just seems to be confirmation that I am indeed a disgusting awful person who deserves whatever thing set me off in the first place.
Example: recently someone IM’ed me to tell me, “OMG you are HUGE” after seeing me at Dickens and being unable to actually talk to me. What I actually said to this person was, “I’m going to do you a favor and explain to you that pregnant chicks don’t like hearing that any more than non-pregnant chicks. You should rethink that comment.” We went on to have a conversation about how he didn’t know I was pregnant and felt excited and wanted to kind of comment on the experience and we worked through a better way of expressing that. This conversation took a while as he was multi-tasking and slow at responding. My immediate mental response started going through various catty ways of responding to this and being that I am big on chatting with several people at once I IM’ed a couple of people and talked through possible responses to this that were far less constructive and my favorite was “So are you. I’m pregnant, what is your excuse?” (Note: person in question isn’t actually huge or particularly fat.) But I had a moment of sadistic glee wanting to be more defensive than I actually was. I shared this mean potential response with a friend who did not find it funny and said that I might cause mental damage to someone if I said this and then proceeded to long-windedly tell me all the ways that I “should” respond. Me being me, I first got pissy because I don’t like being told what I “should” do in a judgmental sort of way. Second I felt upset that this person thought I would actually say that. Third I felt like there was a judgment that I was a bad person for even *thinking* a response like that. This all cycled down really fast. This was a few days ago and I still feel shitty thinking about it.
That’s a really good example of the kind of situation that is leading to feelings of being disgusting/bad/awful/terrible/mean/etc. My reaction is out of proportion. I’m aware that my reaction is out of proportion yet I can’t seem to stop it. Interestingly my therapist thinks that saying something like that when I get those sorts of comments is just fine because I have no need to be polite to someone who was not polite to me. (I picked a great therapist for my personality type.) We also talked about how people are telling me I shouldn’t smack the hands of the belly-touchers and she offered to print up cards saying, “If you touch me my therapist says I get to hit you” and put her business card on the back so I can hand them out as explanation *after* hitting people who touch me. (Have I mentioned I love my therapist?) On one hand I feel like it is entirely justifiable that I want to smack the hands of people who reach out to touch me (and geezus-fucking-christ people it isn’t like I am slapping anyone in the face) because words are too fucking slow. On the other hand I feel the weight of society’s messages telling me that if I were “nice” I wouldn’t do those things and I feel wave after wave of crushing guilt that: Look! One More Example of why I am a horrible bitch and no one should like me.
When I’m really honest I know that at least part of the crushing guilt is coming from the low overall rate of support I’m getting from people I talk to. Most people who bother to comment to me at all about these topics are telling me that my instinctive defensive reactions are inappropriate and people are going to fairly great lengths to convince me that I am wrong. Even Noah is neutral/apathetic about these topics and so doesn’t qualify as much support. So I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle against all the people who think I am horrible and if so many people think I am horrible I must be. (Like Rebecca’s fucking horse analogy.) It doesn’t help that I am having more contact with my family (strangely neutral to positive) which makes me feel more vulnerable to all of the old “you are bad” tapes anyway. I wish that I could actually see my therapist every single week because most of the time it feels like she is the only real consistent serious cheerleader I have in my life but things keep happening that necessitate canceling appointments. I’m feeling very alone and unwilling to talk to people more because when I do talk to people they tend to tell me what I am doing wrong and what I should be doing instead. Thanks, I can sit at home basically silently by myself and feel like shit without any help from anyone else. The internet tells me often enough that I am a bad person–traveling for the privilege seems dumb.
I’m sorry, dear, this sounds really hard. 🙁
Personally, I think if I were pregnant and someone touched me without my consent, they’d be lucky if a little smack on the hand was all they got for it. There are just situations where one is not required to be nice, and that is definitely one of them.
A lot of why it is so hard right now is that I know I have more hormones than normal so I feel like I must be reacting in a way that is inappropriate even when I have niggling feelings that my reactions are ok. It feels like I can’t win.
Thank you.
*hug* I’m sorry you haven’t been getting the amount of support you deserve. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to support you more.
Re: belly touching
Smacking people for not respecting your personal space is an entirely appropriate reaction in our society. Preggers or not, it’s your body and others need your consent to touch.
Re: initial reactions
There’s generally really good reasons a person has certain reactions to a stimulus. From what I know, you’ve been working a ton on figuring out why you have the reactions you do, looking at how you want to react, and acting according to the person you want to become.
A point – I’m a selfish person; I would not have spent effort keeping/re-establishing/reciprocating contact with you for years if you were a horrible person.
Re: support
I think that what is going on is that the people who are supportive (and they certainly exist) tend to be quieter about it while the people who disapprove are loud and frequent. It means that it is harder to see the support that exists.
While it is true that I do look at the reasons for my reactions, that doesn’t mean I have really puzzled through them all in a way that ensures I am reacting in healthy ways. Healthy means fully enforcing boundaries in a way that compromises neither me nor anyone else. It’s a hard line to figure out. I know that I tend to vascilate between enforcing too much and then not enough.
Yay for your selfishness. I like you.
You are more self aware than 90% of people I know – you are caring, responsible, intelligent, well liked and in my book, absolutely top notch. All of the things you are experiencing are valid, and you are being nicer about it than I would be, and nicer frankly than most people would be.
No advice, just pure support. You’re the best. Love you. Call me if you need me.
One of the weird things about “valid” is that it still doesn’t explain why people have such strong views about it one way or another.
Love you.
I think my reaction to that is kinda more of the same … you don’t need to worry about what is valid to others or not. If it is valid to you – then it qualifies. Period, end of story, no approval necessary.
You are an extremely thoughtful person willing to analyze your own motivations and needs – that’s the only thing you can guarantee. Others aren’t doing their homework, and you need not do it for them.
(I get caught in this trap of worrying about how people perceive my reactions and strength of reactions too – I know we’re human and it’s not so cut and dry, but my therapist rocks, and yours does too, so between the two of them and the experiences we share there must be some important fuckin’ wisdom brewing.)
reactions:
Thank you for sharing. I went through similar issues but in different ways. But the end result was the same… I would just bite people’s heads off for comments that would never have gotten an eyebrow before.
being touched:
the funniest thing a friend told me to do about being touched while pregnant was to start screaming “WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO HURT MY BABY!!!!” I never had to use it, but I did think it whenever someone started to eye me in *that” way.
Good luck and if you want to talk, ping me!
Also, I think that you will be a good parent. For what it’s worth.
I’m not sure I have the inherent melodrama to scream, though it sounds fun. 🙂 Thank you.
I’d hit people for touching me.
Well, I probably wouldn’t. I’d probably *actually* just be somewhat stunned and not do anything until they’d already walked away. But I really would like to think I’d just smack them.
🙂 For me it is more instinctive than anything else. I *defend* my physical space. I have always been prone to smack people who touch me.
I think you have a right to decide who gets to touch you and when. I don’t know what the right way to express that will be for you.
Until and unless you ask for my advice, I’m aiming to opt out of offering you any advice aside from occasional mild teasing which does, sometimes, elicit at least smiles on your part. Just because I’m aiming for it doesn’t mean i always succeed, of course, but I’m aiming for it. And I can live with having my metaphorical hand metaphorically slapped when I miss.
I have a relationship with another person who often feels as though some interaction with me leads them to the impression that I am telling them they are doing something wrong or fucking up. In that relationship, I’m genuinely at a loss for how to proceed. I haven’t yet found anything that I’m doing in particular that leads her to that impression. There might be something, but neither she nor I have managed to pinpoint it.
We also haven’t found any constructive alternatives. So I’m going to ask you a question because I’m ignorant, not because you are doing anything wrong. I don’t have a mental picture of what would look or sound to you like support, that wouldn’t at least stand a chance of being perceived as telling you that you were doing something wrong. I’m not sure I could do it even if I had that picture, but I don’t have that picture. If you do, if you know what it would look or sound like to you to receive support, particularly from me, I’d like to hear about it. Otherwise, my attempts are probably going to end up looking a lot like Noah’s might – stepping back a little, and aiming for careful, inoffensive neutrality.
I’m thinking about it.
*Gentle hugs if you want them*
I can’t imagine how hard it is.
Thank you.
It’s your life- you have the right to live it however you choose, and make no apologies (or so says my ever-righteous inside voice). But seriously, I completely understand that about words not being fast enough! I say, go for it! If people get pissy, hand them one of your therapist cards. If they’re STILL pissy, send ’em my way- I’ve been looking for a good excuse to slaughter someone for a while now, and this sounds more than adequate for my purposes 😉
Anyhow, it’s looking more and more like I’ll make it to the DHP in a few weeks- it’ll be great to see you again! It’s been too long (and that is entirely my own fault).
Even my malice does not extend to slaughtering said offensive people. 🙂
Yay for coming to the DHP! It’ll be good to see you.
Oh, but see, that’s the beauty of it! Your malice needn’t extend into slaughtering, only into a phone call and a pleasant chat. You’ll get to chat with an old friend, maybe blow off some steam, or maybe just discuss the latest fashions in LJ color schemes, and then walk away happily relaxed. I take care of any slaughtering, and you’ll have plausible deniability. It’s a win-win-notquitsowinbutitdoesn’tmatterbecausethey’redead situation! 😉
And I’m very excited about the DHP- I keep hearing about these things and they sounds like quality parties. While there’s hardly a dearth of quality parties in my life, I’m always on the lookout for more.
Damn, it sounds so hard right now.
The touching you bit, I hit people for doing that too. Only you have the right to say who can touch and who can’t.
You are and have been the most forthright person I know. Also one of the most giving, I cherish that. And even though we’re not in touch often I cherish you too.
((hugs))
Thank you.
It’s not ok for people to touch you without your consent… pregnant or not. You have a right to feel comfortable and safe. Make a list of them, check it twice, and I’ll come out to smack the belly touchers for you! <3 Me
I will make up a list if it will get you to come out here. Miss you. Love you.
I’m glad you feel that you have *someone* who understands you – your therapist sounds awesome.
You probably have mental tapes of her by now – may I recommend you bring these up for review?
Heh. I suppose you may. 🙂 It’s actually a good suggestion. I will try to channel Traci more often when I am in a bad head space. Her wry humor may be very helpful.
All I’ve got to say is…Your therapist ROCKS!
She totally does. I recommend her to most anyone. 🙂
Without getting into the philosophical discussion, there is a big moral difference between what you think and how you act, and any sane system of morality recognizes that distinction. The immediate impulsive thought is not immoral or sinful or shameful – it only becomes so if you act on it. The fact that you choose to not act on your more destructive thoughts shows that you have more positive thoughts, and are acting on those.
Specifically regarding slapping people’s hands if they touch your belly, go for it.
Uhm… what part of “I’m having this emotional reaction which I know isn’t reasonable” sounds like I need to be told there is a difference between what I think and how I act? But I’ll take the subtle positive statement from that anyway. 😛
Smack, smack!
I just wanted to say that I am _all_ for smacking the hands of any belly-touchers. Perhaps I’m naive, but When Katherine was pregnant, I was kind of appalled that people would actually do that. So, I say “Smack, smack!” Good work, you’re helping to train people not to be totally ignorant of personal boundaries.
Re: Smack, smack!
Mostly I’m getting sick of training people. That’s my bloody job and I hate having to do it with random people. *grrrrr*
But your subject made me giggle. 🙂
OMG, I am so sending you a present. I’m really not looking forward to the huge amounts of “advice” and belly touching, but I’m too polite to be as straightforward as you are.
However, I bet that as I get used to it I’ll become more assertive.
Cafepress has a bunch of t-shirts that say basically “don’t touch my belly” in a variety of ways from really polite to really hostile and suprisingly they are helping a lot. The maternity cut shirts aren’t fitting me in an ideal way because I have a huge ass, but they would probably work much better on you. 🙂
oh dang it, I need your email address. Can you drop me a line at mizkrispy at yahoo?