Last night I just couldn’t get to sleep, so I woke Noah up and we had hot sex. It was good. Then afterwards we had a conversation about how common female orgasm is. (Or apparently not common–these are things I don’t know.) This lead to me reminiscing about my pre-orgasmic sexual experiences. I listed off the various people and experiences with them I had and there was one big point that was amusing to me. Pre-orgasm the boy-girl distribution of sex partners wasn’t quite 50-50 but it was probably 60-40ish. (Uhm, not that there were a hundred of them, but you get the point.) After learning how to orgasm it has been more like 85-15.
That’s a big freakin difference. So now I’m thinking about why and I think that part of it is that the women I tend to go for are pretty passive. The vast majority of women I have had sex with are complete pillow princesses, and I don’t generally get off on being the active partner so… Most of my adult sex experiences with women have consisted of me getting them off with very little reciprocation. I’m willing to bet that a lot of them would have done more if I had asked, but telling someone to do stuff to me is really not my thing. That’s why I don’t sleep with submissive men.
It’s probably a very broken thing in my head that men can be passive or aggressive but women are just passive (at sex). Hm.
Well… I don’t know about broken, perhaps dented, but intact and there for a reason. I think it’s true that a lot of women act this way and a lot of women are wildly uncomfortable breaking out of that role. It’s been a big source of tension with both long term relationships I’ve had with women, (at the more casual play level that’s harder to measure for me.)
I think there’s something about the way that women who have experienced abuse and trauma relate to other women that is one layer of this, for me….
Amusingly, I have done better with women who have been abused/traumatized. Most of my successful (read: orgasmic) experiences with women have been with women who had terrible terribly lives and who have dealt with a lot of shit on the road to being healthier and happier.
In my experience, women prefer to be “passive” more often than not, though how much varies. One pattern that I’ve experienced is my partner wanting to be passive/bottom for PIV, but more willing to be active/top for other activities.
Women who have made their interest known to me more aggressively *tend* to be more interested in being active/top in bed.
Other than girl on top (which has gotten better for me over time) I’ve never been able to figure out how to be active from the receiving end of PIV.
Lately I am really passive during sex but I don’t think that I qualify is passive most of the time. It’s really hard to judge.
Dirty is always good
hmm.
I think I probably come across as a lot more passive in bed than I want to be.
For me, though, I think it’s mostly because my knees really can’t handle being on top very long at all- I start focusing more on the shooting pain in my joints than on any of the nicer sensations.
I also have this annoying thing where my limbs literally tend to go numb right before I get off, which tends to make reciprocation impossible.
With women, I think I’ve had even more of a tendency to be ‘passive’, but this is because I am horribly self-conscious that I am Doing Something Wrong. The sexual dynamic I’ve had with women has usually been quite… off…. for one reason or another, such that I still feel like a complete newbie with women most of the time.
Clearly I just need to do more research.
Re: hmm.
*grin* Is it funny that my brain started immediately jumping to how you can be more active without straining your knees? I came up with several suggestions really quickly. 🙂
It doesn’t make reciprocation impossible, it means that you need to be active first or that you need to let a little bit of lag time happen before you reciprocate. Taking a break between rounds (but then starting again) doesn’t mean you aren’t reciprocating. 🙂
I find that most women I sleep with are amazed and impressed by how good I am–even more so than guys. I think that most of that comes from the fact that I know where/why I get impatient with guys so I avoid those specific pitfalls and then I look amazing in comparison. 🙂
Well, I can recall that I was *not* a pillow queen with you. But yes, I know the dynamic.
Funny thing was I used to be more aggressive from the get go in general. The people, both men and the ladies… but particularly the men, really did not like it when I initiated or was forward in other ways about sex. And so in each relationship I would stop because they would shame me for it. When lovers feel threatened by my attempts at initiating sex it tends to make me feel particularly terrible and I don’t want to risk it later.
I have tended to pick partners with not much sex drive for some strange reason. Mine is often raring to go. Currently being with someone who is a match for me in that area is really nice. As a result I am initiating more and more often because he responds well to my initiating. And if he is tired, we often can work something out.
I also said the majority of women I have been with. There have been about three spectacular exceptions. You among them. 🙂
I know what you are talking about in terms of needing to scale back your sex drive and stop initiating. I think, however, that I am talking about a slightly different thing. Even with the partners who don’t want sex all that often they are generally ok with me doing more/being more aggressive when they get around to wanting sex.
Isn’t it awesome when someone is encouraging of your sex drive? I think Noah has turned me down maybe twice ever and he had good reasons. It helps that outside of pregnancy sickness I have turned him down maybe twice ever as well. 🙂 Matching someone is the best.
“pillow princesses”
thank you for the new phrase i can use in my day-to-day life.
never heard it until now.
i was a pillow princesses virgin.