And then I talked to another woman I know. She is a fairly new mom and she hasn’t been married that long. She expressed a great deal of shock that I am so consistently positive in talking about Noah. I recognize that very few people are as effusive about their mates as I am, but I always kind of chalk that up to people having more of a sense of decorum… but they feel similarly. She was really wistful when I talked about how I’m so positive about Noah because he has earned it. And she was really bitter when she talked about how I won’t feel so happy with him once I have a baby and he isn’t doing anything to help. I told her that I would be absolutely shocked if Noah was less than helpful because it would be a 180 in his personality. She was skeptical and almost hostile.
She was also really negative when I was upbeat about prodromal labor and that I’m feeling pretty well and I feel like I just don’t have that much to complain about with pregnancy. She was miserable and pissy by this stage and she doesn’t understand why I’m not. When I told her that I see no point in being pissy and upset by having to wait on the baby because “This too shall pass” she told me that everyone will be throwing that in my face once the baby comes when something is terrible. I said that it’s true and that I try to remember in bad moments that they aren’t going to go on forever. She then got quiet and sad and said, “Maybe you’re just better at all this than I am.” I told her that I will probably be better at some things but that I will suck compared to her at other things–there is no use in comparing.
I feel really sad for her. I feel really sad that her life has gone this way and that she has become so bitter. I don’t generally think of myself as all that positive/upbeat/optimistic, but compared to her I’m Pollyanna. It’s interesting to get that perspective. I hope that she finds some peace.
Well, FWIW, although Frank and I didn’t work out as till-death-do-you-part, he was a *wonderful* dad. I still remember him driving back from a long-term project in Milpitas to Sacramento every Tuesday night for Lamaze classes, then driving back afterward. He shared totally in all the tasks of parenting, even after the marriage broke up — we always had joint physical and legal custody and he always held up his end.
From what you say, it sounds like Noah will be the same. Your friend just didn’t choose one of the good ones 🙁
I got a lot of negative comments from people when I was pregnant and it drove me crazy. I didn’t hate being pregnant, I wasn’t miserable (though increasingly awkward), and sure, I haven’t had a straight through nights sleep in, gosh, well over a year, probably closer to 18 months, but so? There’s no question that parenting is one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done. Yes, it’s hard, but it’s all about how you respond to the challenge. Some people become overwhelmed and depressed. Others stay in the moment and focus on the amazing journey you’re taking with your child.
It’s one of the greatest challenges our relationship has faced. Throughout the pregnancy, we were able to spend time focused on each other and revel in the joy of the growth in my belly, but it’s grown a lot more difficult when we are constantly baby juggling. It’s important to set aside time to be with each other, to stay connected and remind ourselves who we are, and why we wanted to be parent TOGETHER in the first place. Certainly neither of us ever intended to do this alone.
I’m sorry your friend is so miserable. It happens. But it’s not mandatory. 🙂
my dad’s rules:
1 – the world is full of assholes
2 – every time you forget rule one, ten assholes step up and remind you.
That poor woman. Reading all of that makes *me* really sad for her, and I don’t even know her. Reading about how well you’ve dealt with your pregnancy makes me happy for you, though. I don’t think it’s necessarily positive/upbeat/optimistic as much as it is accepting and realistic. All the better for you, Noah, and the lizard when it arrives.
Is it possible….
….that her down-beat feelings are post-partum depression related? Not knowing how this is at all on a personal level, I have read a great deal about how that type of emotional drop can impact people. I mean, shit! It is like the Worlds Longest Scene ending and no amount of cuddling and binkies and chocolate are going to ease THAT “Top–Drop”.
Peace
~Mo
….up WAY too fucking early for an off day….