Today my (awesome, fabulous) midwife was asking me questions about my community and what kind of support I have. It was quite disheartening to realize that for my first pregnancy I was completely confident in my community, my chosen family, and my friends that they would be there for me. I’m not anymore. If something bad happened and I had to stay in the hospital for a while with the new baby I would have to do it alone because Noah would have to stay with Shanna. I don’t think we have other options. I have people in my life who love me, but they are all people who have too much on their plates to begin with and they really, legitimately don’t have time for me.
I’ve tried so hard to make new friends in the mommy world and it’s just completely failed. When people just stop returning my calls that is kind of a hint. I feel like I have become too mundane for the freaks to give a shit about me anymore and the more mundane people seem to find me kind of disgusting.
I am so lonely.
I’m not a mom, so I am limited to sympathy, which seems kind of lame. From the non-mom POV, I don’t think you are disgusting but I’m so accustomed to my friend who have children shifting gears totally out of my sphere that it is like a “natural progression.” If you don’t have a kid, or have a real desire to invest in the life of your friend’s kids, you don’t feel like you have a place.
I don’t have anything awesome to say. I love you, and if there was something that happened where you needed help, I *WOULD* rearrange my personal shit in order to help.
Love
Mo
The thing is, the thing that changed about my life is that I can’t hang out at ‘adult only’ events all the time anymore. I do go occasionally. I really miss the conversation about other topics. I should try hosting more but it feels like pulling teeth to get people to come here sometimes.
I know you love me lots. You are a great person and I’m glad we are still good friends. You just have So Much going on in your life that I feel… left behind.
shit. 🙁
I wish I could help. We have time but are far away.
I wish I knew a magical solution to making reliable new friends myself.
Making new friends is just awful. I don’t know how I ever did it.
Amen to that. I haven’t met anyone here. I can’t even seem to make it to any of the things here that I know are going on (stich’n’bitch kinda things).
It’s easy to say that I’d drop everything to be there for you now that doing so wouldn’t mean losing my job. When I’m home over the sumnmer I’ll get a job I don’t mind losing :o)
I have realized that friends do what they need to do and go where their life takes them. The friends who helped me through one part of my life are far away and can’t now. I made other friends, and some us them have parted ways as well. I quit trying so hard to build – and invested in fewer people.
Sometimes you might be surprised who ponies up when the going gets tough, and who can’t be there for you. That what tests & defines friendships.
That said, I hope you don’t have many of those “defining” moments because they are stressful and hard.
long distance hugs…
–bailey
I have actually found, repeatedly, in my life that the people who show up and do the most to help me are people that I only sorta know. It’s why I go out of my way to help people I only sorta know–karma is important.
Thanks
I’m sorry I’m mostly useless and far away and don’t do well supervising children.
<3
I don’t make a huge effort to call people out of the blue just to chitchat (I’m afraid of imposing), but I totally return calls and enjoy chitchatting when someone else calls. It’s not much, but I hope it is something.
…however, if you need someone to hold your hand whilst giving birth or watching Shanna during that same period, I am of no use. For this, I apologize and can only suggest you direct your complaints to the Department of Defense.
Well, it’s why I poke you on IM. I like talking to you and IM feels non-invasive/non-imposing in a way the phone doesn’t. 🙂
Enh. You wouldn’t really want to be there for the birth anyway. You squick pretty easy. 😛
I could be there for you.
Thank you. I will keep this in mind.
Absolutely. If you need someone to take Shanna for a few days (or longer if necessary) we could do that. One or both of us could even move into your house so Shanna would not have to deal with a different environment.
🙂 I always feel kind of weird about asking people to babysit for me when I don’t see them much… even when it’s them offering. It just seems so user and awful. I really don’t want to use people.
That said, I like you a lot even though we’ve never spent much time together. It’s always just seemed to not work out. Distance is a huge bitch.
For what it’s worth, I’m online a fair bit in the evenings. I usually have FB running in the background, and I can be on AIM or MSN messenger if that works better for you. I’m usually good for a brain barf or three.
I totally get it!
Most of the people who swore they would help out are never available. And many of them just don’t seem to want to spend time with us anymore due to our childfulness. Most of our friends do not have children and are not planning on having any. They are fairly tolerant of our kids, but it’s still mostly a nightmare. I have to go in for gall bladder surgery, and I had very few people I could call on. We got lucky in that my mom is no longer a nightmare with the kids, so I could be home with her help. But that is a new development. So mainly my point is that you are just you and your situation sucks, and you are not some child wielding monster. People are often just too darn busy to help one another anymore, and we all pay the price for that.
I hope that was coherent.
Love and understanding from the other side of the continent.
This and this and this. I don’t seem to be doing a good job at building community these days which is weird because I used to be good at it. Why did parenthood make us pariahs?
Do you think that the first ‘x’ years of parenting are just like this? Do you think that this sucks so much ass just because we spent too much time in adult-only environs? I… feel like I’m suffering because I’m trying to meld worlds.