Noah has been trying to talk me into resting more for a while now. So yesterday I swept and mopped all of the floor that can be swept and mopped and did a couple of loads of laundry and… that was about it. I didn’t bustle through cleaning off the counters. I did move the food that had been in the laundry room into the kitchen cabinets.

I played ball with the baby. I read parenting forum threads. I didn’t comment. I get into trouble (with myself and my emotional dysregulation) when I comment. I wrote an email in response to an old friend who reached out. I’ve had a phone call with my former neighbor who moved back to India.

Today I will take a shower. I will make some progress on the counters in the kitchen and in my bedroom. I will ride my bike to the store before our shopping list gets long and heavy. There is some possibility Noah and I will go into town so we can add my name to the bank account and I can start figuring out how to apply for a credit card. I am 100% not ok with having to ride on his credit. That fucked my mother.

I have retirement accounts in my name only. I was the primary name on most of our credit cards. I was on every mortgage and title document. I am not dependent on him being nice to me for my survival. I utterly refuse.

Being a dependent is scary enough without also being trapped if things go sideways. I always have the power to leave. Not that I want to. Noah is an absolutely top notch partner to have. I don’t want to leave. But it is good to know I could if I needed to. That’s important.

We are kind to each other and we caretake for each other because we want to, not because of need.

I am starting to access that deep well of exhaustion from the overwork I’ve been doing for a long time. I am trying not to do that thing I do where I shove it aside and keep pushing. I don’t need to push anymore. I can just rest. I can putter. I can slowly get things where I want them to be. There’s no rush. My kids are upstairs playing. In between bouts of bickering it is fun to listen to. Kids.

There’s a sprinkling of rain coming down. It’s so beautiful here.