So there is a weird situation in my life. There is this guy I’ve known since high school. Many of the people I am still friends with from high school hang out with him quite a bit. They really wish I would “get over” my issues with him and come hang out with the group because it would be fun. They think I should give him another chance.
But you see, the problem is that he tried to rape me. He was physically pulled off my kicking and protesting body by another friend. I’m really not interested in finding out if he is an awesome guy these days because I will never ever trust him.
So it’s all awkward and shit. I get the impression that folks think that since I wasn’t actually raped it’s no big deal. But it is.
“Imagine someone breaking into your home, and threatening your child with a knife, you and the police are able to stop them from harming your child…10 years later, they are out of prison, and mutual acquaintances want you to hang out and have fun together.”
Fuck that shit, if they don’t get what the fuck it wrong with that then they aren’t good people and don’t have your best interest at heart. If he wants to publicly own his behavior and apologize to the larger group, for his behavior, I might not spit in his face when he walked into a room I was in, but I would still leave.
this.
“I get the impression that folks think that since I wasn’t actually raped it’s no big deal.”
The people who want you to hang out with him know this happened?
Given that the last time I was asked to join the group I said, “Uhm–he tried to rape me. I don’t think so.” I can’t believe they don’t know.
Oh. Yeesh. Sounds so frustrating that they’re so clueless. Try asking them why they’re not pestering him, rather than you? He’s the one who caused the situation that they apparently wish would go away.
I guess I’d say… It’s not clear what they’d pester him about. Presumably he’s fine with her showing up, and no amount of pestering will change the actual problem we’re discussing. I suppose they could pester him to apologize, but given how socializing tends to work, I don’t see that happening.
I’m not sure how this would be fixed, but I don’t think his friends pestering him is the right answer.
I doubt it can be “fixed”, but clearly neither he nor his group of friends have faced what he did, and perhaps asking hem why they don’t pester him about it (something he deserves) might make them think about that. Or maybe not, but at least they can recognize that it’s their problem and his problem, not her problem.
Why pester him? He’s ‘over it’.
They are idiots.
Hell yeah, it is.
I think your boundaries are fine, they are what you need.
I am curious: Do you think or imagine the dude would apologize and show remorse/embarrassment, if you were in the same social space, 20(?) years later? or do you imagine he would also blow it off as no-big-deal, as you have the impression the other people in the equation have done? (Are you sure they remember that incident? people forget an awful lot of uncomfortable things they don’t want to remember…especially when it’s “not theirs”) Would it make a difference to you feeling safe, if he owned up to his actions and took responsibility and tried to make amends?
Regardless of what your friends think, it is your safe space, and your daughter’s, and your husband’s, that you are taking care of.
I am willing to put money on it that he would flat deny it ever happened. He was always quite the liar.
I get the impression that folks think that since I wasn’t actually raped it’s no big deal. But it is.
It is a big deal. Just sayin’.
There are things in this world that one only has one change to get right. They are not subtle.
My push back to your “friends” is “why are they tolerating rapists in their midst?” That he “only” made the attempt doesn’t make him not-a-rapist, it merely makes him unsuccessful.
As to the fellow himself, if he’s grown into someone who doesn’t rape anymore[1] he’ll understand and respect that you want nothing to do with him; and that it’s his responsibility to absent himself from situations where you might be present. If that’s not his mindset, he hasn’t made that growth.
[1] As differentiated from smoeone who doesn’t rape.
What all of the above folks have said. Your boundaries, IMNSHO, are fine. These other people don’t seem to get that. That would make me (and I am not you, and I am not giving advice, just thinking about it from my perspective) question those other peoples’ judgement and respect for me. Which would make me think twice about wanting to spend my free/social time with them. If I did decide to spend time with them, individually or as part of the larger group, and this guy came up in conversation or showed up, I would make no excuses for why I didn’t want to talk about him or why I would turn around and leave.
FWIW, there is someone I have this reaction with. Fortunately he doesn’t live in the same town, so I don’t generally worry about running into him even at public events. But we have a number of mutual acquaintances & friends, and I do keep in the back of my mind that I might run into him in certain situations, and that he might come up in conversations. I find myself mentally preparing for it every time I go into one of these situations. Maybe one of these days I’ll find that I didn’t feel the need to prepare for it. I dunno.
take a big stick with you,
hold the guy down on the ground
and try jamming the stick up his ass.
if the others protest
ask them why.
if the others *don’t* protest
continue until you succeed.
take pictures.
post on the internet.
list his full name, phone number, and address.