My neighbor is making their set up fancier and nicer so they are off loading some of their mediocre gardening stuff. This means I just inherited a pretty dang decent giant poly tunnel. This is wonderful for me. Free is the best price. Now I can grow tomatoes. I bet if I got some bags of compost and put seeds in them it wouldn’t really count as planting things…

Also: I got to take a bath for the first time since surgery. That was December, y’all.

We have found some folks we are hanging out with about once a week. I always worry that we are overwhelming them but they keep coming back… There’s another (pagan) family we see about once a month. We have Ostara plans together and I’m looking forward to that. The average outside temperature at that point is 9C. (That’s 48F for the rest of you.) It won’t resemble the Easter parties we used to host basically at all. At least we have a giant house now? A bigger house and fewer friends. It’s kind of ironic.

I am at the heaviest (non-pregnant) weight I have seen since I was 21. I am having a lot of mixed feelings about that. I am looking forward to less ice on the road. I am looking forward to being 100% healed so I can start full on doing chores again. I really want to wear that skirt again this spring. I think I’m a solid 40-50 lbs away from being able to do so. Fuck. I’m sure as shit not going on a diet. (I’m literally eating a candy bar right now.) I want to get back to exercising. I want to get to the point where I can do a half or full marathon again. I want exercise to feel easy again. I’m not there yet. Fuck healing. Fuck getting old.

I have been spending a lot of time lately thinking about why I like to pick relationships with people who put me down. Why am I so completely drawn to people who only want me as a convenience. Why do I pick people who want me as long as I serve them? Why do I love people who speak so negatively about me? If my child had a friend who talked to them that way I would say “That person doesn’t actually love you.” But I have built a lot of my self-esteem around being “loved” by people who put me down or who say fairly terrible things to me. That’s utterly consistent.

It’s pretty clear to me that I don’t hate myself like I used to. That’s progress. I am no longer interested in putting myself in situations where I feel bad at the end of them. That’s good.

Time to go for a walk in the sunshine.