Things I’m thinking about today/er yesterday

I uhhh babbled a lot.

I seem to, once again, have some body dysphoria going on. Lately I have been feeling really heavy in my body. I feel like I am pretty fat. I haven’t had a problem with it, it’s just how I’ve been feeling. But I went shopping today (love that Oh shit! Wedding! Need dress! shopping) and I discovered that I’m smaller than I thought I was. I knew that the size I had in my closet from the last wedding was too big but I didn’t realize I was a full two sizes smaller on top and nearly that on the bottom. Oh. Well then. Hm. Ok. I’m always interested when my sense of self and stuff that is measurable reality don’t quite match up evenly.

I’m not doing so hot at making mommy friends. I went on an outing today with the crunchy moms. I really don’t think they like me much. They don’t talk to me much. When I try to join the conversation it just…sorta…dies. And the freak breeder outings are uhm not all that effective. Bloody hell. Much frustration all around on this topic.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the fact that I don’t really have a community. I know a bunch of dancers, but I’m not really part of the community. I know a bunch of perverts, but I’m not really in the bdsm community anymore. etc going through all the groups I know but am not really part of. I had a (lame) epiphany about this recently. I tend to only want to associate with people I like and when you are part of a community you have to take the good with the bad. I’m not good at that. Which means I don’t get to have a community. It’s kind of lonely.

I think I managed to offend someone today by saying, “50% of all people are below average in IQ”. I think that is a literally true statement and it’s kind of odd to be offended by it, but uhm ok.

The more I think about it the more I believe that I want to move so much because if I move somewhere that I don’t know anyone it won’t be so pathetic that I feel lonely and like no one wants to spend time with me.

All of this sounds angsty and fussy and I don’t actually feel that way. I’m more neutral in emotion right now than this sounds.

I’m continually impressed with Shanna. She loves the playground (I thought that would come later), specifically slides and swings. Her frequent words: up, outside, hi, stop, shoe, boo!, slide (used for swing and slide), sit, step, Her infrequent words (said at least once): butt, shiny, book, nigh-nigh, Her signs: yay, waving, potty, apple, dessert, more, all done, milk, hot (she made one up), …there are more. I’m not remembering. She follows multiple step directions in a way that impresses me. She is practically obsessed with being outside which is both really really awesome and kind of annoying. 🙂 I have a tan. 🙂 She is super good natured and cuddly. Yesterday she missed both naps due to extremely poor planning on my part. She didn’t melt down until almost 5:30 and that was caused by wanting to only be held by Mommy instead of my friend. She passed out a couple of minutes later in the carrier. Dude! That is so amazing! I got really lucky in the mellow kid department.

I’m starting to have a hard time being around other kids who whine. I don’t want her to pick up that habit. I am fine with all sorts of willfullness, but whining drives me insane. If you whine at me you are guaranteeing that I am not going to like you much. She isn’t all that willful though. She’s pretty good at following directions. She can already follow multi-step directions like, “If you want to go outside go get your shoes.” “It’s time to go to bed so we need to go brush our teeth” and she runs to the bathroom and points at her toothbrush. Oh, and she brushes her own teeth every day and does a fairly good job. I really love when she is getting fussy and I tell her, “Looks like it is time to read a book” and she goes over and carefully selects one (I’m starting to f’in hate Dr. Seuss) and brings it to me and then very carefully sit on my lap. I really like the sitting on my lap part. 😀 She gives kisses too. I think it is so wonderful.

I was thinking about the whole cloth diaper thing as I listened to a couple of crunchy folk going off on it. I think I realized what is my big psychological push for wanting to use them. Using cloth vs disposable means I don’t have ongoing cost. There is some part of the back of my brain that panics at the idea of unstable ongoing cost for something. As soon as I realized that I had to kind of laugh. No wonder the crunchy folk don’t like me much. 🙂

At some point I read/heard that preverbal learning is the stuff that stays with you the most strongly throughout your entire life. I think that is why I try so hard with Shanna right now. I want her to have imprinted that the world is safe and responds to her needs. I want her to hear constantly that she is good and smart and clever and accomplished. I want her to know that it is ok to do the things she wants to do. I want her to know that when she is not allowed to do things it is for safety reasons. It’s a lot of the reason I am working so hard at managing my anxiety right now. I don’t want her to feel anxiety too.

I am so excited about getting pregnant again. I know that pregnancy wasn’t always easy (yes, an understatement) but it was magical. I can barely wait to do it again. My cycles are being really wonky though. Last time it was a 35 day cycle and today is day 36 and no sign of my menses. I’m pretty darn sure I’m not pregnant already (we are using barriers and I peed on a stick yesterday and that said no) so I’m just left feeling kind of vaguely annoyed that my body still hasn’t settled into anything like a regular cycle. Not that I ever had anything like a regular cycle. This may make conceiving much harder. Damnit. But maybe it will also ensure I don’t get another Gemini. 😛 (Ok, to be honest I am doing flippin well with the Geminis I have so maybe I should stop mocking them.) Right now I am waiting on tattoo work and dental work before we get started. I really hope that stuff happens soon.

I think I have calmed down on being a massive poopyhead again. Noah was right to tell me that I needed to find a therapist. I like my new therapist but she’s really not Traci. 🙁 I kind of feel like I used up my perfect-for-me therapist credits on her and I don’t get another shot at that. I’m making progress and therapy is good, but it isn’t perfect. I’m not going to jump up and down recommending this therapist. Well, I would to someone who is experiencing issues with the transition to being a mom–that’s her specialty. 🙂

The last few days have kicked my ass. I really want to go flop now but there is no rest for the weary.

13 thoughts on “Things I’m thinking about today/er yesterday

  1. cyranocyrano

    There is some part of the back of my brain that panics at the idea of unstable ongoing cost for something.

    Does buying food give you the same sort of twitch? Or is that completely different?

    I love your Shanna updates, because the joy shows through. Plus, it lets me enjoy children by proxy.

    Reply
    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      There are a few mandatory ongoing costs that I’m more or less at peace with. There is also the ability (with food) to do what we did this week–eat out of the cupboard because I don’t want to spend money on food. 🙂

      Yeah, it’s fun to write about her.

      Reply
  2. terpsichoros

    Picking at random points

    “50% of all people are below average in …” Well, duh. Tautologically duh. But even when you make it clear in context that it’s not about them, people think this sort of statement is about them.

    Using cloth vs disposable means I don’t have ongoing cost. There is some part of the back of my brain that panics at the idea of unstable ongoing cost for something. Our biggest instability in cost of disposable diapers is variation in where we buy them. It’s much more expensive when it’s “oh shit – must go to Safeway for diapers now“. There is some small ongoing cost to laundering cloth diapers, though that tends to be trivial if you don’t have to feed quarters to your washing machine, and even then it’s still not that expensive. But diaper services are ongoing costs. (Stable, though.) How many of your cloth-diaper acquaintances are using a service rather than washing at home?

    Reply
    1. Krissy Gibbs Post author

      Re: Picking at random points

      It was pretty clear I wasn’t talking about her. She was asking why so many people get sucked into dogmatic religions. 😀 *cough*

      Actually I don’t know all that many people who use a service. The vast majority of people I know who cloth diaper launder their own. Most of the cloth diaper fanatics (no chemicals!) don’t like that commercial diapering services use very harsh chemicals in the laundering process.

      I only do 1-2 extra loads per week for diapers these days. I don’t think it will ever drop to below 1/week because the smell gets too awful. Given that our electricity is now covered by our solar panels and I line dry 9/10 times anyway the only cost is in increased water usage and that is not an area where we have much expense. I would be surprised if our water usage is increased by $5/month given how extremely low our water bill is. We probably spend more like $1.50/month on laundering diapers. Of course, the initial expense was very high because of the kind of diapers we like. But I don’t mind one time high fees. I’m kind of weird.

      Reply
  3. debbieann

    interesting.I do not feel like a part of any one community, but I feel like there are communities I can go into and identify people that seem like they could be my friends. And I think if I find two friends that like to do the same things I do, then I’m good. I felt lonely in India, but not so much in Sydney, but I like lots of time alone.

    Reply
  4. i_am_dsh

    not doing so hot at making mommy friends

    I’ve observed that parents want to talk about their own kids and aren’t so interested in hearing my experience with my kid, unless it has some bearing on a situation they’re having with their kid.

    To me, parent gatherings seem to follow the same rules as the dog park – admire the others’ cherished little one(s) and keep yours out of trouble. Don’t bother getting to know the responsible adult’s name and interests, just treat *their* cherished little one(s) right. Don’t expect to make lifelong friends unless you really commit to that place/schedule. It’s structured for drop-ins, not deep knowing.

    Reply
  5. terralthra

    “I tend to only want to associate with people I like and when you are part of a community you have to take the good with the bad. I’m not good at that. Which means I don’t get to have a community. It’s kind of lonely.”

    I feel much the same way about communities.

    “50% of all people are below average in IQ”

    Since IQ is predicated on a normal distribution and represents a standardized deviation from the arithmetic mean, 50% being above and 50% being below the middle value is not necessarily true. If 100 IQ were a normalized median, it would be strictly true that 50% of people are below it. As it is, it’s only true if intelligence follows a normal Gaussian bell curve distribution.

    Reply
    1. noirem

      Um, no. She doesn’t mean “bellow average” on an IQ chart, she means that if you take everyone’s IQ and find the average, half the people will be bellow that point and half will be above it. A mathematical average.

      Reply
      1. rbus

        communities can go screw themselves!

        a mathematical average (mean) is only sometimes the point where half are below and half are under. A median is usually considered the halfway point (sometimes somewhat erroneously called the “50% mark”).

        for: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
        mean = 3
        median = 3

        for: 1, 2, 3, 4, 10
        mean = 4
        median = 3

        And even then, in smaller populations, like the ones used here, values that are the mean are neither above or below it. so unequal numbers of samples could be above and below it.

        i question the normalcy of the distribution in the population of IQ values. if it’s true, then the mean, median, *and* mode should be fairly similar.

        has this, in fact, been demonstrated?

        chi-squared, anyone?

        Reply
  6. rbus

    “(I’m starting to f’in hate Dr. Seuss)” made me laugh like hell.

    if i read Green Eggs and Ham once, i read that damned book a million times.

    i got to the point that even *i* wouldn’t do it in a box, with a fox.

    Fuckin’ Sam, I am hate him.

    Reply
    1. essaying

      But “One Fish, Two Fish” — I still love that one!

      Look what we found
      In the park
      In the dark.
      We will take him home.
      We will call him Clark.
      He will live in our house.
      He will grow and grow.
      Will our mother like this?
      We don’t know….

      Reply
      1. rbus

        I liked the Fish book but my kids never took to it.

        My favorite Seusser has always been “The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins” because it makes authority look extra-silly and stupid *and* because it’s not that freakin’ mind-sticking meter.

        Reply
  7. Anonymous

    from Debs

    re: being offended by “50% of all people are below ~average~” in ~anything~

    hahahahhahaa. I guess we know where that person might fall, at least in math.

    ETA: Oh. I just read the explanation about means and such… good point. I guess I should go and study for my math GRE some more. 🙁

    Reply

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