The child I lost is named Alex. I’m not sure why, I doubt I would have given the child that name if he/she had actually been born but in all of my thoughts about him/her that’s the name the baby has. I would be 18/19 weeks pregnant right now, so not quite halfway through the pregnancy. I would be feeling movement. The early fluttering is some of the most powerful magic I have ever experienced. Feeling the creation of a Being, a Person inside me made me feel connected to the source of all life in a way I have never felt before. I’m sorry I am not experiencing that magic with Alex right now.
In some way I kind of wish that we would just hurry up and try to get pregnant so that I can bury my feelings of loss in the joy of another life but that feels wrong. In addition to Shanna deserving a full two years of milk I think that Alex kind of deserves the space in my heart and body that he/she would have had for nine months. I don’t feel critical of other people who get pregnant quickly–anything but. This grief is such that I don’t think I could possibly judge other people for how they handle it.
I’m bleeding again. I think that is why it hit me tonight. Once upon a time I greeted each monthly flow with relief, “Whoo hoo! Dodged the bullet again!” Not anymore. Now every time my body empties of blood I cry and see the loss of a person. I see the child who will never be. I can’t believe how much this hurts. I say this and know that I speak from the unbelievable privilege of having a living child. I feel desperately ashamed at my hubris and greed. I am so selfish. There are so many women in the world who would give anything to have a child–just one–and I’m crying because I had a normal menstrual cycle while using birth control. I’m sorry for being so selfish.
I miss my Alex. So I grieve. Even though I feel like I don’t really have the right I cry anyway.
When discussing blame for losing Alex my therapist said, “I knew it was your fault–I just didn’t know how.” It was really funny at the time. Every woman who loses a child feels like they are to blame. Sometimes I feel like I lost Alex because I am just not a good enough person. I didn’t deserve that child. I don’t know how to reconcile that with what I see when I look at Shanna. She is so beautiful and so perfect. How can I be a good enough person to deserve her and not a good enough person to deserve another child? But there is no deserving or not deserving in this. There is only luck of the draw and there is no such thing as fair.
Tonight I rail at fate. I want my child back.
I’m so sorry.
*hug*
You have my deepest sympathy.
You are a wonderful mother.
You are a wonderful mother. I’m so very sorry for your lost.
I can empathize, though I don’t come from quite the same place.
I love you, and am thinking of you.
yes, this.
“But there is no deserving or not deserving in this. There is only luck of the draw and there is no such thing as fair.”
and yes, since I decided I wanted one, since the miscarriage, every time I bleed I have feelings…
you have every right to cry (and so do i…) Besides, you don’t want your head to explode from all the uncried tears… they are volcanic, man!
sending love
There have been more deaths and losses this summer than I can even shake a stick at. If a person had a mind to, they could walk themselves straight down Depression Road. Instead (hopefully instead), it’s one foot in front of the other, heading for the clearing…
Oh god, that’s horrible. I’m so sorry 🙁
You can’t blame yourself for it, Krissy. It’s something like 2/3-3/4 of pregnancies miscarry in the first trimester. It is absolutely not your fault. If anyone deserves leagues of children it’s you. You are one of the most maternal people I know, even before you had Shanna. *hugs* My thoughts and sympathies are with you, dear.
I don’t have anything to say except that I’m listening, and I’m sorry you are hurting.
Every woman who loses a child feels like they are to blame.
THIS
I went round-and-round with myself after the miscarriage. What did I do wrong or fail to do right? Why couldn’t I be content with the one awesome child I already have? etc.
I’m glad you have a good therapist and you’re trying to give enough time and space to yourself to deal with the loss. I think losses like miscarriage often go under-analyzed and them crop up later. (I’m watchful about post-partum already…)