This journal is my space. I get to decide how it is used. If you object to the rules you are free to leave.
1. Do not assume a post is meant to solicit your opinion. Most of the time I am posting because I use this journal as a combination of safe space for me to work through my stuff/thoughts and a way for me to do record keeping. I have a weird/spotty memory and I have trouble keeping everything straight sometimes. I am good at using tags and at finding things again when I need them. Posting here does not constitute a request for anyone to tell me what their opinion is on any given topic. I do not write for an audience I write for myself. I choose to post publicly the things I write for myself because that is a medium that keeps me writing.
2. Be respectful in your tone. I post about things that some of my friends disagree with. I have the right to do that in my space. No one has the right to speak to me as if I am stupid in my space. If you think I am stupid, stop reading and go elsewhere. I am not trying to get everyone to agree with me or to approve of me. I am posting my thoughts and opinions. If you have different opinions by all means feel free to write about them in your journal. I will not go there and tell you that you are wrong or that you need to change them to be more in line with my opinions. If you want to engage in debate with me I suggest that you monitor your tone quite carefully. If I think you are being an asshole I will delete your comments and not respond to you. I’m not ok with my journal being turned into a space that causes me stress.
3. I am not completely opposed to debate. Sometimes debate can be really awesome. Most of the time I am content to leave the debate to other people who are able to do so more calmly than I can. There is one frequent commenter in particular (Mr. NotMyRealName) who can open debate on my journal at any time on any topic. This is because he never implies in even the smallest of particulars that I might be stupid. Even on topics where he feels a rather high level of frustration (it seems) he manages to still debate in a way that is respectful and polite to all involved. If you like debating on my journal it is worthwhile to watch for his posts because I could not possibly come up with a better example of the sort of disagreement/debate I welcome.
4. Don’t bother to leave a comment that begins with, “I think you should” because I am not interested in hearing it. If you really really want to give me advice on a topic where I have not solicited your advice you can leave a comment saying, “I’m really bursting with a piece of advice I want to give you. Is it ok to share it?” Sometimes I will say yes and sometimes I will say that it isn’t a good time. It isn’t a personal rejection if I am not in the mood to hear it. I regulate most of my life pretty carefully to avoid stress and my personal reactions to unsolicited advice are such that I need to minimize it wherever possible and I can only do that completely in some circumstances and I need to do that where I can.
I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. I am not on any form of medication. I regulate these disorders by having a pretty firm control on my life and the stress points in my life. I am not always capable of responding in a completely “rational” manner to things that other people believe I should. I am always doing my best. Comments, tone, and attitude affect me far more than other people believe they “should”. It is absolutely completely and totally irrelevant to me if anyone believes that I “should” be able to do things in a way that I cannot. In other situations in my life (face to face interactions, other people’s journals, other forums, etc.) I do not get to have much control over how people interact with me and I deal with that. Here I get to have iron control and it is good for me. I do not care if you disagree with me about any of the ways I enforce rules in my journal. I need to do it and I do not need to assuage anyone else’s ego.
I probably should simply turn off comments entirely. They are frequently a source of stress for me. However, comments are frequently my main interactions with a large number of people I like very much. So instead I am asking that people who supposedly like me honor the rules I set down for my space. I will talk about things that will frustrate you, anger you, piss you off, annoy you, and make you want to smack me upside the head. I am not going to be silent just so you don’t have to have those feelings. Pretty much everyone who reads this is a grown up. You get to be responsible for your own feelings and you don’t get to tell me how I should change my opinions or actions so that you don’t have to experience any of those feelings of upset. They are yours to manage. You can set rules in your space for managing them. I am setting rules in my space for managing my own feelings. You can abide by them or leave.
The harshness of this aside, I do appreciate that my friends usually speak out of concern for me, Shanna, or whatever it is that I am talking about. I have intelligent, well-spoken friends. Many of you mean very well but your tone sucks. I am not saying that I hate any of you or that I don’t want interactions with you. What I am saying is that I want and need a space safe from criticism and hostility and I will get that even if I have to stop interacting with you to get it.
I wrote a post on my blog about this very subject and I labeled it:
Just a little word about playing nice in my online home.
Here’s an excerpt:
I was given a great link to this blog post by Steve Pavlina about Free Speech in Online Communities: The Delusion of Entitlement.
I love what he has to say about Free Speech in private online communities (ie private forums or blogs).
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2009/09/free-speech-in-online-communities-the-delusion-of-entitlement/
“When people approach online communities with the erroneous belief that they’re entitled to unbridled free speech, this misjudgment often leads to inappropriate behavior.”
….
You Are an Invited Guest
Here’s an attitude I suggest you adopt when it comes to participating in online communities. When you visit someone else’s online community, you’re a guest in the owner’s online home. Behave accordingly. Your participation there is a privilege subject to their owner’s discretion.
….
If you’re going to come into my private online home and behave like a jerk in my presence, I will show you the door every time. And after you’re gone, I’ll return to my other guests and refill the snack bowls.
….
Do you have to become my close personal friend or agree with everything I say to participate in my website’s online community? Heck no, I’m not that strict. But if you pay me a visit online or offline, I do require that you treat me […} with basic courtesy, politeness, and respect. Treat me online as you would if you were a guest in my home. Just as I open my website to others, I often open my home to a variety of guests as well. I love hanging out with many different kinds of people, as long as they behave with a modicum of human decency.”
~ Steve Pavlina
Best wishes with this. I know it’s hard to ignore the hurtful/nasty remarks, but it’s important you know you aren’t alone with getting people with an agenda who are all about bashing others.
I don’t have the same issues you have with your journal. The people who are commenting here more fiercely than I prefer are people I know and love. They just… they just feel that I need advice. It isn’t that they are always wrong it’s that I can’t always hear it the way they mean it.
And a lot of this is because I post about things that upset people. They are upset because they are concerned about me–they love me. I get that. I even appreciate it to a large degree. But I need space where I won’t be yelled at and this journal is it.
Never mind the psycho babble. Be you, and be you wonderfully, and without fear or apology!!
-alisa terry
Oh, I get it. That’s EXACTLY the reason I don’t tell too many people I know about my blogs – definitely NOT my family. They would hate it if they read that I really felt they are the reason for my messed-up head.
I was just working on a post/comment policy update, and distracting myself by wandering through my commenters’ sites, and serendipitously ran across this, and have now added it to my (short) list of comment policies I want to lift wholesale.
Sooo… yea. You rock. Thank you.