Today I have an appointment with our solicitor. I need to update my will and remove all DNR language. I am no longer allowed to peacefully and easily when something comes for me. I have to fight like hell. I have to manage chronic conditions and I have to fight cancer no matter how much it hurts. I’m sad about this. I wanted my next near death to be my last. Not anymore.

This was not what I wanted. This was not the outcome I wanted. I didn’t want to have to give up on the idea of a peaceful death because Noah is gone. I am going to spend the entire rest of my life stuck because Noah is gone. It makes me feel so bad that I didn’t have this feeling while he was alive to relish it.

I can’t make my kids orphans.

Today I bug the schools to get enrollment going. I will get over to the Whole Foods collective to get stuff we are running low on. Time to catch up on my bullet journal and figure out what the cheese is happening. Not anything good I had planned. Oh well.