Today I decided that I should probably not put my normal 2-3 tablespoons of refined white sugar on my cream of wheat. If I want my kid to eat less sugar I need to lead the charge. (In my defense: I use less sugar than my mother.) So I chopped up a couple of fresh strawberries and used two teaspoons of strawberry preserves. It was alright but not terribly sweet so I added a teaspoon of sugar. It was good enough for me. My hope is that with practice I won’t need the added sugar after a while. 🙂
As for compassion: I’m having a hard time finding compassion for a mama of my acquaintance and I don’t feel good about my lack of compassion. Her son is six weeks older than Shanna and she hit postpartum depression about a month ago. I’ve talked to her about depression in general, coping skills and vitamins/supplements that tend to help and that’s all fine. I’m having a hard time because she is on disability leave from her job and she is not spending any time with her son. She continues to send him off to his grandparents every day (they are in their late 70’s) and she stays home by herself. I have a long history of depression but I always manage to do the things that have to be done. I have never personally been so depressed that I neglected basic care for another person. On one hand, she is making sure her son is well cared for and that’s good. On the other hand: she’s not taking care of her son, her husband and his parents are. I feel guilty about judging her because I haven’t walked in her shoes and it isn’t my place. On the other hand it’s hard for me to supply the compassion she deserves when she comes to my house crying.
I feel conflicted. I almost want to tell her that being depressed in no excuse to pawn off care of her son. I wouldn’t do it no matter how depressed I was. But that’s me. I have no idea what it is like to live in someone else’s head so I shouldn’t be such a snot.
URGH!
One of these days you will finally grok the fact that you’re tougher and more driven than 80% of the folks out there
^dingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingding^
I like cream of wheat/other hot cereal with brown sugar, butter, and milk. And dried fruit mixed in (TJs montmorency tart cherries are a fave) just before finishing cooking to make it hot and plump.
I’ll give it a shot.
Also, isn’t the definition of depression (in part) being unable to function/get out of bed/get done the things that need to be done? I think you’re just really freakin’ stubborn.
There are all kinds of things about depression. I treat depression like every other feeling/mental process I have in my life: just because you feel something doesn’t mean you have to act on it.
About the hot cereal – have you tried it with applesauce and cinnamon? Maybe add dried fruit (raisins, blueberries, cherries…) That’s how I eat it.
About the Mama – here’s my assessment: She’s put you in a bind, and you may need better boundaries with her.
You’re having ethical questions as though you’re her therapist or something. I think that’s how she’s treating you.
As an ordinary friend, you’d say *something* about how you disagree with her behavior, and probably recommend that she build back up to spending time with her son. But as her quasi-therapist, you feel compelled to listen and provide information and not (openly) judge…
I actually would like to build on this. I think she probably needs professional help. Perhaps you could help her to find a therapist? I think she needs more help than you can or even should provide. If she’s seriously depressed, it’s possible that she could end up doing harm to her child.
She is talking to a doctor about it and she is on meds. I don’t know if she has a therapist though. We aren’t really close and I’m not sure it is worth the energy on my part to help her find a therapist.
*nods* It’s hard to know where to draw the line with acquaintences.
I haven’t tried applesauce. I have some in the fridge so that might be tomorrow’s experiment. 🙂
You are right. She does treat me like her therapist. It’s really uncomfortable and I need to use better boundaries here.
Maybe suggest getting out of the routine of dropping her child and spend a little time each day with him. Start small maybe drop him off one later the next couple of days. If she is doing all the other things, like therapy and/or medication she might just need to build up her confidence as a care giver. Or suggest only if you are willing, for her to hang out with you and bring her son along.
I am unclear in your post if she is doing therapy and/or medication or just self-diagnosed with postpartum. The next thing I would say differs based on those facts.
Genine
I know she is on medication and talking to at least an MD. I have no idea if she is seeing a therapist.
That might be a good list of suggestions. Thanks.
Have you tried raisins, apples, and cinnamon in your cereal? I’ve found I can avoid adding sugar entirely if I use a handful of raisins and/or apples, a bit of cinnamon, and some cardamom.
I’ll try it but I’m skeptical about this ‘avoiding sugar entirely’ thing. 🙂
I’ve also found that if I use unprocessed sugar, I use quite a bit less. Palm sugar is my current favorite – it has flavor, not just sweetness. I generally use 1/3 to 1/2 as much palm sugar as the refined stuff.
I totally agree with using an unprocessed sweetener, if you want to try cutting down on sugar. I find I want less sweet if there is more flavor. Honey can be really good, though I don’t use it in my oatmeal usually.
I like making my rolled oats with milk instead of water, and 50/50 water and milk for steel cut oats. I think it really rounds out the flavor. Cream on top instead can be really tasty, but not really conducive to keeping calories on the lower side. :]
I also find that if I put the fruit, jam, or whatever toppings on top instead of mixing it in I use less because the flavor doesn’t get lost in the oatmeal.
I second the you are tougher than most sentiment. But you also realize that its not your place to judge- which is awesome.
Depression is hard and different people express it differently. I think it would help her recovery to see her son more, just like it would help her recovery to get out of the house more. But thats the thing about depression. It somehow convinces you its practically impossible to do the things that would help you recover. You seem to have the power to push through that, but not everyone is as strong.
Remeber- She isn’t your responsibility, though as as a good person you feel a need to help her. Just don’t let her bring you down.
I’ve become a fan of pumpkin butter in my cream of wheat and my oatmeal (almost always with a bit of cream or milk as well). Trader Joe’s pumpkin butter is pretty darned good. On graham crackers as well.
“I wouldn’t do it no matter how depressed I was.”
This is pretty much the definition of hubris. Please knock on some wood or something, immediately.