Many of my friends are going through really rough/crappy stuff right now. Lots of the situations are things where generic advice/condescending comments are not helpful in the slightest. But some of the people going through unfun stuff are my favorite teenagers (you know, the ones who were given this lj handle…). Some of the reasons they were given this access is because they are a)interesting b)budding freaks c)thoughtful beyond their years, etc. Really, just fucking awesome people. (Maybe I’m biased.) Whereas I know that some of my friends are completely opposed to giving advice to teenagers, not all of my friends feel so limited. 🙂
So something that I would ask of my friends in general, because you are all a fucking interesting group of people, is what would you say to teenagers who are going to be the kind of people you hang out with in a couple of years? How did you get through being a teenager? How did you deal with depression? For my not-so-skinny friends (and hell, my skinny friends too) , how did you deal with the societal disapproval for not conforming to the conventional idea of beauty? How have you learned to like yourself more or come to terms with the parts of you that you don’t like (physically and otherwise)? Did ya’ll hold off on sex? Why? Keep in mind that these stellar kiddos are still legally minors so we can’t get graphic, but being honest doesn’t have to involve being inappropriate.
I will understand if people don’t want to comment, but it would be neat if you did. The kidlets may or may not respond cause they didn’t ask me to do this. I’m just pushy like that. 🙂 I will screen anything I think is inappropriate.
I’d say: oddly enough, just being confident with a strong personality will make you sexy. By itself. No, seriously. It’s the stopping to question that’s holding you back.
I’m really with Noah on this one. Unless you’ve already figured it out for yourself, I think this bears some serious consideration because it seems so true to me, and yet so rarely recognized. Everyone always seems so hung up on the purely physical aspects of beauty — fitness, skin blemishes, etc… Attitude really counts for a lot. It’s a bit less easily recognizable at first glance, I suppose, but honestly *far* preferable to “happens-to-be-thin-with-nice-skin” coupled with “insecure-and-an-unhealthy-preoccupation-with-body-shape”.
As for the rest of your question, I was kind of a shy and unpopular geek when I was in highs chool, and yet also something of a romantic. I never considered myself at all attractive. I think that finally started to change when I learned someone was actually interested in me… I suppose it shouldn’t make a difference, but somehow it helped me realize that there wasn’t anything particularly unattractive about me, and that gave me some confidence. And then I went to college… and nobody *knew* I was an unpopular geek. I didn’t radically reinvent myself or anything, but I was less shy, and (somewhat to my surprise) less unpopular. I guess it gave me a chance to be myself, without feeling weighed down by my beliefs about everyone else’s opinion of me.
When I think back to high school now, I remember some things I interpreted as the more popular kids making fun of me… and I realize that they may well have been honest attempts at friendliness (not all of them, certainly, but at least some). If I’d understood that and been able to respond in kind, it might have saved me a lot of frustration.
I bailed. Pretty much literally. I transferred schools, graduated early, and went on to college at 16. I figured high school sucked and that I wouldn’t really enjoy my life until I was legally recognized as an adult with an earnings potential so I just dove in and worked towards that. People kept telling me “high school are the best years of your life! How can you give those up!?” and I kept saying “pheh. this sucks. next year will be the best year of my life from now on.” And while I haven’t quite met that goal, I will say that I’ve had far more fun in my life since I turned 30 than I ever did before. I miss only a few things about being a kid and I wouldn’t go back. Adults get to play adult games which are way more fun.
I lost my virginity a couple months after our 18th birthdays. (she was 5 days older than me). We lost them together. And it would have been sooner after our birthdays but it took a month for the pill to take effect and then they switched her prescription once. We really wanted to be safe so we just waited a bit longer. Of course, we’d been sexually active with each other for a couple years by that point…
FTR, it was hard for me to graduate early. However, there are programs around. And even without the program, many colleges will simply accept you based on ACT/SAT scores. Once accepted, you can simply quit high school. You can also simply quit high school, GED your diploma, and then go to college. All of these are options that I didn’t know about. If I’d known, I’d probably have started college a year earlier even.
Also, college is a lot better than high school. The teachers care about their subjects, the information is interesting, and the students are mostly there because they choose to be, all of which makes a huge difference. Even being young for your class, college is better than high school. Worst case, it’s about the same socially. Depends a lot on your college.
This is a hard assignment, lady.
One of the things that I’ve discovered about depression is that it comes in waves for me. If I can outlast it, things will get better. Certain simple tricks help – getting a full night’s sleep, taking a walk in the sunshine, immersing myself in a good book. Keeping busy helps. I think that one of the reasons I did so much charity work in high school was that it left me so very little time or energy to brood.
When I got angry in high school, I used to go out into the back yard and chop fire wood until I could barely move my arms any longer. By the time I was exhausted, I’d generally calmed down. Not everyone has a wood pile, but I’ve found that any strenuous activity helps. Oh, and then eat. To steal from Winnie the Pooh, “It’s hard to sleep when your tummy is empty but your mind is full.”
These days, I’m pretty up front with people when I’m in a pissy mood. The best approach is to feed me, give me a long drink of water, then let me take a nap. By the time I wake up, my whole perspective will have changed, and I’ll be able to find solutions to my problems.
Being almost out of my teens, I can tell you there’s nowhere I’m happier to be than out of them. Yes, of course a part of me wishes I could go back “knowing what I know now.” I think a great deal of my decisions (mostly my dealings with my folks) would have been carried out differently.
How did I get through all of it? The support and love of friends, who have become my fun, crazy, caring, dysfuntional family. In some ways, I should thank my parents for their inability and uncertainty when it comes to raising a child, since my maturity and eager desire for independence and making something of myself have really helped me in the “real world.”
I crumbled under society’s pressure to be thin. I allowed multiple eating disorders to contol my childhood and well into my teenage years. Boy, do I regret it. I’m embarassed to say how many birthdays I spent in the hospital… It really is no way to live. However, in the past year I think I’ve really come into my own. I’ve started accepting the things about myself (both physical and emotional) that I was fighting tooth-and-nail for years. I’ve evaluated the things I like and don’t like about myself and what I have a desire to change vs. what I can’t or don’t want to.
Take the time to smell the roses. There will be plenty of time to work your butt of later, and even if there is a serious goal you’re working towards (which is great!) it never needs to eat all your time. Hang out, explore your town. Travel if you can, even if it’s just taking the BART to the last stop on the line.
Depression can be a serious issue- it was for me. The trick is to be honest with yourself, and try to figure out when makes you depressed or not. For me, it was sleep. I played with my sleep patterns until I found something that gave me a good mix of sleep-deprived “edge” and well-rested happiness. Much like alcohol, sex or dope, the trick is to establish a safe boundary for yourself while you’re up (or sober or alone) and then stick to it later. This will keep you out of a lot of trouble, and will let you have more fun, since you don’t need to worry about going too far or drinking too much- you know where you’re gonna stop, and then stick to that.
Sex is fun! Be aware that there are all sorts of legal issues with having sex if you or your partner is under 18- check those out. If you can read this LJ, you can get on google and find your local jurisdictions.
Remember that the first person you get it on with is probably not going to be the person you marry, so don’t freak out about it if things go sour. On the other hand, there are a lot of nasty little diseases out there that will knock you on your ass, and that includes pregnancy- carry protection and use it. Just like anything else, deciding where the line is when you’ve got a clear head is very important, and will let you have more fun.
Think big! There’s no reason you can’t sail around the world, go to Yale or land a job at the X-Games (I was offered one when I was 17- my email server ate the email, so I never got it, but you never know when the weird hippie you run into at a party your parents drag you to is going to turn out to be the guy running the show).
If I Could Give Myself Advice Back In Time (AKA Answering The Call):
1. Seriously get out of your damn dorm room and at the very least sit on the damn quad and watch people go by. If nothing else it is socialization by osmosis. Also, it might’ve been prudent to ask the docs on campus for prozac because maybe you’d’ve stayed at UCSD longer.
2. Seriously who gives a crap about people like Curtis Stahle, what they say about you has absolutely no bearing because (1) other people’s opinions REALLY AREN’T as important as you think [still working on this] and (2) dude’s a douchebag, so fuck ’em.
3. As for dealing with depression, I hear going outside and seeing (nice) people, no matter how painful it might be, is a good thing to do, because we’re a social species and holing up by yourself is no way to live life [also working on this]. Also there are those fancy lamps that deal with S.A.D. that, if you listen to some, work quite well.
4. Why’d I hold off on sex? I wasn’t terribly motivated, and there were enough obstacles that it just worked out that way. I don’t know as I’m particularly pleased at how the abstention ended, but hey, there are a lot of worse ways and it wasn’t horrible or anything.
5. Along the lines of no. 4 – DON’T DO SOMETHING JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE WANTS TO. That is total bullshit and I don’t care how you justify it to yourself. If you haven’t actually thought about something and said “that sounds like something I would like to do” then don’t frikkin’ do it. Just because a boyfriend wants to put his penis in you doesn’t mean your relationship is hells of great. It just means he’s got a working libido.
6. I’m not sure where I was going with no. 5 other than “if someone’s pressuring you in any way other than respectful they can go to hell, dang”.
7. Self-examination only goes so far. I find myself holding others to either insanely high standards or hells of low ones; it means I’m basically angry all the time and it’s hard to get out of that. I recommend you avoid this. Yes, you could get angry at everyone who cuts you off, but then you’ll be a sad, posing, pottymouthed tempest-in-a-teacup like me and quite honestly (a) it’s really not that awesome at all, no matter how many people tell you sarcasm is cute, and (b) there’s only room for me in this world, kiddo, so don’t go trying to steal my damn thunder. ;D
8. Good god seriously just relax and sit outside some time and watch the clouds go by. Don’t think about anything else, just watch the clouds and how beautiful they are. My best advice to you is to just get lost in something perfect and tranquil like that as often as damn possible, because this world can sure get to a person sometimes.
/babble
Man, everyone else answered all honestly and coherently. I’m sorry.
I like your answers.
How did I survive teenager-dom, to be the kind of person I want to hang out with? Hmmm…
I read, a lot. Everything I could get my hands on. Not just books, but magazines, websites, everything. One of the best things that happened to me was getting a two year subscription to Vogue. Because while it’s fully of beauty aesthetics I don’t fit…it taught me about style. A lot of teenagers wear trends, and they grow up and still end up being very trendy, in dress, haircut, etc. But if you learn about style as a teenager, you can more easily create the image you want to have for yourself out of basic building blocks you understand.
Sex…I didn’t wait. In the end, I’m pretty sorry about that fact. Not because I wasn’t in love (I was) or because it was horrible (it wasn’t particularly, even if it wasn’t always what I’d been led to believe). The main reason I regret it? So many of my first memories of sex, or even making out with, or kissing, my boyfriend at the time are memories of how we had to hide from his parents, or my parents, or stress about being pregnant, or dealing with STIs (yeah, I had a few), or what safe sex precautions I was willing to forgo beccause he wanted to, or…the list goes on. And your first memories of sex shouldn’t be about that stuff.
Mostly I just survived by being very strong in my self identity, and being very aware that the people I went to school with would NOT be the people I’d be spending the rest of my life with. I knew that as soon as I grew up, I’d get the hell out of there and never, ever look back. And when I did that it turned out to be the best decision I ever made.
Noah is right on that.
I have a teenage son who is struggling with many of these issues right now. I will tell them what I tell him and what gets him through his darker moments.
They pass.
This may very well be the worst moment of your life. And don’t let anyone tell you differently…pain is pain. Hurting is valid. But as dark and hard as this moment is… it passes. Breathe through it. Keep moving, and it will pass. It’s not the most pleasant thing to hear that there will be even darker moments in your future. But, there will. And it is how you recover from and react to these moments that will define you as a human being.
Forgive yourself.
We all make mistakes and we all handle things as best we know how. The problem is that early on we don’t KNOW how best to handle things. So, we do the best we know how at the time. You did your best. And you learned from it. Now your best is even better. You will be more prepared next time. It hurt, but out of that pain will come new growth.
Forgive others.
They are fallible. They make mistakes, too, and are doing the best for themselves as they know how. No, I am not saying that is healthy or even well intentioned. They could be the most evil bastards known to man. But, your anger and frustration with them only hurts you. And ultimately are responsible for their own actions and the consequences of them.
Be responsible for yours.
The things you do are your choice. The actions you take are your responsibility. Choose wisely and with Love. You will be judged by your actions far more than anything else in life.
Be the person you want to be. We are a conscious construct of our own making. You can be whomever you want to be in this life. Just ask yourself who you want to be. And then figure out what that means and how to do it.
This should take you around 10 or 15 years. Sorry, there is no hurrying this process. It’s called growing up. And it takes time. And no matter how much you wish to be done with the process, it will only be done when you realize that you aren’t working on it anymore and it has already happened.
Be patient.
Life happens at the pace it is supposed and pushing for things to happen too soon means they will not be fully developed. That includes you. Wait until you are ready to do the things you want. Sex may sound wonderful, but take the time to be ready for it, emotionally and physically. Sex changes you and if you aren’t ready for it or choosing it as a thought through decision, it can be damaging. It can be damaging for life.
I went years being a nice guy with a non-standard body and a lot of self-esteem issues. Until i realized that it was my self-doubt and lack of confidence that was the thing that people found unattractive. It took me years to get to the point where I wasn’t faking confidence, but I finally made it. And now, though I am bear-shaped, I have little problem with my self-esteem or self-image anymore. I grew into my shape, mentally. You will too. Whatever your shape is.
For every body-type out there, there are people who are turned on by it. And the ones who may find you attractive will surprise you. never aim low or sell yourself short because you don’t think you are worth someone’s attention. But, also recognize that it is OKAY if they aren’t attracted to your body type. That will happen as often as someone you are not attracted to showing interest in you.
Life is not fair.
But is it predictable. And if you pay attention long enough, you will see the patterns.
Live like the person you want to be until you are the person you want to be. After that, it’s a lot of fun.
How did you get through being a teenager?
I dunno if I’ve got anything brilliant to say about most of these questions, but I can take a stab at this one. I think a lot of growing up for me was staying out the way of emotionally and occasionally physically abusive, alcoholic parents, and realizing that what I needed to do was to survive that period and just get through it until I got out. What I failed to do was to really get a grasp on how fucked up things actually were at the time, and how much of an effect it had on me and my life–all that took me many many years to accept. What I’d tell myself, then, is “Yes, it really did fucking suck,” I think accepting that earlier would have helped me quite a bit, because I couldn’t get past it until I’d accepted that it did, in fact, suck.
I suppose I can say one other thing, there was a question that was vaguely about how to cope with “not being one of the cool kids”. I wasn’t, I was a pathetic loser geek kid. I got past the pathetic in time, but I came to realize that being a geek, or being weird in general, was pretty much “part of me” and something I was totally cool with. Now I’m a crazy 46-year-old bi queer poly kinky geek kid from hell, and as near as I can tell I somehow manage through all that to be one of the cool kids.
In short, many folks at some point or another feel like they’re not one of the cool kids. What gets lost is that having some acceptance for who you are, whoever that is, and being comfortable with that, is to a very large extent what eventually makes you one of the cool kids. So much of how people react to you (or me) is their reflection of our own inner confidence, self-acceptance, and assertiveness. Practice those three skills, and you can be a cool kid too. 😉
a few grains of salt….
Laugh. Laugh at anything. Laugh all of the time, even if it makes you look crazy, even if it feels like bullshit, even if you wind up crying. There is nothing that laughing can do that is bad, and a whole lot it can do that is good.
Never give a FUCK about what ANYONE thinks of you. NO ONE. The opinion of others about you is none of your fucking business. You can spend precious hours and years and consume yourself with needless worry squirreling about how you are perceived. And you know what the big secret it? No one really gives that much of a shit about what you do: the people who love you love you and the people who do not do not, and the haters do not matter. No one is really thinking about you as much as you fret about. Do not change who you are for someone else. They might change their mind, and then who the fuck are you?
It really is OK to be sad. The planet is a huge complicated system that can scare the underpants right off of anyone when it reveals itself, even in small part, to your mind and heart. Please, Do not be afraid to be afraid.
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IT IS THAT THEY ARE DOING.
If at any point you are told some shit like “This is an adult matter, and you will understand better when you grow up.” you were lied to. This is a prayer that people murmur to themselves lie a novena, like a mantra, like a Hare Krishna yodel that is supposed to help kids sleep at night when they begin to suspect that grown ups do not know what they are doing, and the thought of having the only defense you think you have against the darkness and sheer chaos, [that being your parent(s)] actually be revealed as Mere Humans is too terrifying to contemplate.
We are all making it up as we go along.
Control is an illusion.
And, actually, that is fucking awesome, in the real and truest sense of that word’s (badly mangled) etymology.
It inspires AWE because, when you realize that it is a nearly impossible confluence of millions of years of “Shit That Came Before You” that you are even alive to day to sit and feel the feelings you are feeling, you are beginning to get what a gorgeous, effulgent gloriously perfect mistake you are, and you can bask in that shit and eat a cookie and sit in the sun or stare into a mirror at your eye and say “Holy shit, that is AMAZING.”
There IS a point to being alive.
The question is, do you have the balls or ovaries to live if you do not have the answer to your questions when you want them?
How about never?
I strongly advise rolling the dice on yeah, you can.
Peace.
~Mo
Lots of good advice already—
—I only want to add a book recommendation for anyone having trouble understanding people of the opposite gender (let’s not quibble about gender and sex here, folks.)
Deborah Tannen’s “You Just Don’t Understand: Men and Women in Conversation”.
I grew up in a female flavored household (sorry, Dad! You were too mild mannered), went to an all girls high school. So there was a lot of useful info for me when I read this. My husband also found it useful. We both had issues about some aspects of it, but overall it’s been helpful to me in understanding guys better.
advice? me?
ok… just this once…
*hated* hi-skool. *despised* it.
i adored college because
the responsibility of how well i did
rested squarely on my own shoulders.
i was *never* on the honor role in hi-skool.
i was *always* on the dean’s list in college.
still, after my first job
nobody care where the hell i went to college
so it’s no big deal where you end up.
most of the learning i’ve done in life
wasn’t done in a classroom, anyways.
many of the smartest people i know
never went to college in the first place.
i made it thru some hellacious depressions.
where i was a less than worthless piece of shit
who would be happier dead and
who could die tomorrow and
who nobody in the world would miss.
i can’t tolerate the drugs to treat such things
and so keep myself healthy with brutally hard exercise,
good food, good sleep, and laughter.
and i always remember
that it would break my brother’s heart
were i to do myself in.
and the cats might miss me too – maybe.
learn to laugh. you’re gonna need the skill. really.
i did not have sex in my early or middle teens.
i had chances, but never pursued them.
and it’s a good thing
because,
i’ve discovered that the wrong kinds of love
can fuck me up so bad that i don’t know which way to run.
beside the crushing illness such activity can bring
(now-a-days)
the mental stress of screwing somebody else
can be awful.
holding hands and smooching
is almost as much fun.
watch out for addiction
no matter what it’s to.
it’ll destroy you
or nearly so.
sure as shit.
it sounds trite,
but knowing and listening to myself
enables me to be comfortable in my own skin.
i’m not mean to others.
and i don’t allow others to be mean to me.
and *i’m* not mean to *me,* either.
i don’t call myself a “dummy” or “fuck-up”
or ride myself into the ground.
ever.
i take care of and am kind to myself.
i treat myself as i want to treat others.
i think enough about myself to figure
that the whole world ends when i die.
at least from my point of view.
i want to be here as long as i can be
to give everyone else a chance to get their shit done.
and that includes you, too.
i’m almost old enough to be a grandparent to you
and i’m telling you, for sure, that
life gets better as you move along in time.
you simply have to have faith
and be brave enough to make it here.
sit in silence every once in a while.
learn to calm your mind.
try meditation – it’s wonderful!
listen to nothing.
it’s healing.
For somebody else’s take on this topic, Paul Graham says this, mainly about work more than social stuff. I wish I’d seen it when I was still the age he’s aiming at.
I will come back to this, I swear …
my own craptastic drama is very distracting right now.
But the first thing that comes to my mind,
“Don’t ever underestimate how valuable (and necessary) safe allies are.”
i.e. people like RightKindofMe, there are more of us, I swear.
my brain has become numb, I’m clearly swearing too much.
😉
It’s hard to convince myself that I’m “beautiful” when I honestly don’t believe it, and I’m not the “beautiful” I want to be. And honestly, I don’t know what I want to be anymore. I think the easiest solution would be to not be me. (As naive as that is.) I just want to draw pictures all day until I figure something out.
I’m not the beautiful I want to be either. I could let that determine my entire self-worth or I can move on. No one is everything they want to be. I hear you on not wanting to be you. I’ve felt that way for a lot of my life. There is this really annoying fact though–you are stuck with you. For better or worse, forever. I know that sometimes that is an incredibly daunting and unhappy thought.
I will never be what I want to be physically. (Really petite, naturally red hair, thin, big boobs.) I have had that ideal since I was a kid. I want to be Irish! Damnit! But I can’t be that. I’m me. Ok, so I dye my hair… it’s a little bit of giving in… But instead of focusing on the things about me I can’t change, height–weight, I look at what I have. I have a fucking awesome smile. People stop me on the street to tell me how much they like my smile. That’s cool. That’s something special about me. I won’t ever be on the cover of a magazine, but I make peoples’ days better. Somehow that seems more worthwhile. What do magazine cover girls do? They make normal sized people feel like shit for not being skinny *and* they have to deal with horrible backlash because they were airbrushed to hell and back because even *they* aren’t as pretty as they “should” be. enh.
I’m not going to try to convince you that you are beautiful. I hate it when people do that to me. You have something else though–you are interesting. No one is beautiful forever, interesting can be forever though. And for whatever it is worth, if my opinion means anything at all, you look like the kind of girl I go for. 🙂 No–I’m not interested in dating you. You are too young. 🙂 There are millions of people in the world who won’t feed you bullshit and who will like you.
And until you figure out more about who you want to be (this is a long process that happens in stages) drawing pictures sounds like an awesome way to spend some time. As much as this stage of your life is sucking, things will change. I’m not promising better–just different. You will have a lot of responsibility for deciding if things get better.
Love you kiddo.
good-looking is
elusive
and temporary.
think about
setting a goal
for something
that lasts.
like:
– honest
– trustworthy
– competent
– kind
– loving
– caring
– intelligent
– considerate
– polite
– thoughtful
all far more attractive than mere beauty.
Depression: I think for many boys/men, depression is a hidden thing. Knowing that other men/boys have the issue and that it doesn’t make you a weak or bad person helps. I also have dealt with depression by not fighting it, just acknowledging that it happens, and sorta hanging out with it, not in a self pity sorta way, but just sinking in and looking for the root cause.
Each and every person on the planet feels like they don’t fit in, they think they are to tall, to short, to skinny, to white, to black etc etc. It doesn’t make it any less real, but it does help to realize that all that glitters on the socially accepted side of the fence still smells like shit. Try to be healthy, have fun being you regardless of what other people tell you you should be like, try to at least appear to conform to the social contract, and if they don’t like it, let them go. Go looking for people that like the same things you like, chances are, they will think you’re hot.
I didn’t have sex till I was almost 20, and I wish I had waited a bit more. I’ve made a number of poor decisions around sexuality in my life, and the older I’ve gotten the less I regret the decisions that I’ve made later in life. Flip side is, if you enjoy it, can be honest with yourself and your partner, and you have consent, and try to reduce your risks (no such thing as safe sex, only safer sex, only way to have safe sex is don’t have sex), stay within the law (sucks to be in jail for sex related crimes before you are an adult…or as an adult) then do what you’re going to do…just try to be smart about it.
OH AND HEY
Staying clean and smelling nice is a good idea. This involves showering, soaping up, and gently cleansing with said soap as many nooks and crannies as you can find.
Personal hygiene is awesome.
not to mention doing laundry :o)
having really good friends, people who have your back and who like you, and want you to be happy and fulfilled, is worth more than anything else in the world. Hang out with them and ignore everyone else. So what if the “popular” kids think that they’re cool and you’re not – you think the same thing about them. And you get to be happy instead of worrying if you’re “right” or “in” or “good enough” or any of the other things cool kids have to worry about. You get that kind of support and loyalty from people, in part, by giving it.
As an extention of that, you get to pick your own family. The people who brought you into this world, with whom you live, or whatever, don’t have to be “family.” If they’re not people who love you and want what’s best for you then spend as little time with them as possible. Surround yourself with people who think that you’re amazing, even if it’s “just” online.
Okay, so Noah is right, but I don’t think the truth makes it any easier to believe, in high school or even later. I think that’s something you have to experience, from a place where the confidence comes naturally.
I was a cheerleader. I was the fat cheerleader (at 140 lbs, please! I look back and think, “I was a fucking stick!”), but I was also a very good cheerleader, so I got a little bit of confidence from that (even though I was kind of reviled by my peer group for selling out). I worked backstage at plays and loved it. I was on the debate team. Find things you love, it helps.
I read a lot.
I wrote a lot of poetry.
When I was a senior in high school, I dropped out of all the classes I didn’t like and didn’t need to graduate (honors/IB math, science, etc). I got out of school at noon and worked part time at a day care. It was pretty awesome, even though everyone told me it was the “wrong” thing at the time. (And I was told I wouldn’t get into college when I dropped math. Lies. Every school I applied to, and many of them very competitive. So ha!)
In the end, there’s no advice that can make that time better. People on here are right, it will pass. But I wouldn’t discount it either, because it will also make you who you are. So live it. Look forward. Dream. Find the people who you can connect with.
And survive. Our society makes us feel so guilty for things we may have to do for ourselves (graduate early, drop a class, dress all in black, write terrible poetry, whatever). Don’t take the easy way out of or run away from all your problems, but don’t mire yourself in shame for doing what you need to do to survive. It’s okay. If in doubt, I totally recommend Kate Bornstein’s new book, Hello, Cruel World.
That’s my 2 cents=)
The best advice is this: Be happy with who you are. If you’re not happy, actively try to change what ever it is that is holding you back/bumming you out…etc. Once you’re happy and confident in yourself, so much of all the noise that is the rest of the world falls into place.
A few other (cliched yet true) pieces of advice
Roll with the punches.
Smile. It will make you feel better.
When you feel like you don’t have energy and can’t go on, just pretend that you do. Most people won’t be able to tell the difference.
Don’t wear a mask between you and the world. Be part of it and let it be part of you.
This above all: to thy own self be true.
Uhm… “to thy own self be true.”
Are you are aware of the context of this quote? And how it is placed at the end of entirely contradictory advice that emphasize how you *don’t* really want to be yourself?
It is terribly ironic that you give a bunch of advice saying “Don’t be afraid to fake it, don’t be afraid to be something you aren’t, but above all… be yourself.”
I think Shakespeare would be proud.
Actually, the advice it is placed after (Given by Polonius in Act I Scene iii of Hamlet) is not contradictory. In fact, it’s always seemed a good bit of advice from father to son, to me.
I’ll paraphrase here to save space, but the full text is available here.
See character, but hold your tongue.
Keep your friends close.
Listen to all, but don’t support everyone
Dress well, but not ostentatiously
Don’t borrow or lend money, for money between friends soon sees both lost and to rely too much on others lessens your own strength.
And finally:
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Be true to yourself and you shall never be anything but who you are to others.
I’ve never seen any of it as contradictory and in no way emphasizes not being you. Maybe that’s not who Laertes is, but the advice is no less good because of it.
As to my own advice, it is a bit contradictory, isn’t it? The one that really throws the kink in the works is this one:
When you feel like you don’t have energy and can’t go on, just pretend that you do. Most people won’t be able to tell the difference.
I got this working theatre productions, when you’re at the end of a long night, everyone’s tired and wants to go home and you still have one more scene to run and not putting your all into it isn’t going to get the job done. I guess what this really boils down to for me is that sometimes you need to lead by example. If people are counting on you and you’re at a point where you need to step up and get something done, dig deep, do your best to put forth that energy and others will see it, and perhaps be inspired by it.
As to Smile, it will make you feel better…try it, it works. The act of smiling actually has been shown to release endorphins.
I’m not saying fake it, or be something you’re not. At least, that’s not what I was trying to say. The first thing I suggest is to be happy with yourself. As to the rest, well, don’t let things get you down, remember to smile, lead by example and don’t hold yourself apart from the world around you…..I’ll stand by that advice any day.
Shakespeare got a few things right.
Polonius is far from a serious, somber character, and he’s made fun of more than once over the course of Hamlet. He’s intentionally pompous and doesn’t respond well to things that require flexibility. Therefore, I have no problem with the idea that it’s a joke when he gives advice which basically goes, “do this. Don’t do this. Do this. Don’t do this. Do all of this, it’s necessary. Oh, and more than anything else, just be yourself!”
“Be true to yourself and you shall never be anything but who you are to others.” And yet, he recommends not being who you are to others. Which means not being yourself.
I’m not saying it’s bad advice. I’m saying that giving somebody a long list of requirements and prohibitions, and ending with “and this above all, to thine own self be true” is either stupid or (in Shakespeare’s case) an intentional joke.
I guess I always read it another way. It always seemed significant that he ended with “to thy own self be true,” and specifically noted “above all else.” In effect, it could be rephrased, “in spite of everything I’ve set out just now, the most important thing is to be true to yourself. Do that and you shall always be true to others as well.”
To thy own self be true is the ultimate piece of advice. The rest are suggestions for how to possibly better yourself and improve your life. Perhaps I just never got the joke, or took the lines too seriously, but I think my reading might be valid. I’d have to reread the play to get a better handle on the character of Polonius. It’s been awhile since I’ve read it.
As a separate point, he’s not really saying “be yourself,” but “be true to yourself,” which is similar, but ultimately a different idea. Being true to one’s self involves remaining true to your principles and ideals and not being overly swayed by others opinion of you. “Being yourself” is part of that, but to me suggests more of a social interaction (Just be yourself, she’ll like you….). Being true to one’s self may actually involve acting out of character in certain situations (moments of courage for a coward, moments of generosity for a miser or whatnot when some other guiding principle in their lives momentarily takes precedence.)
This.
Thank you for your contribution.
Redhead Ramblings said what I would like to say better than me:
“Who is it in Shakespeare that tells us to be true to ourselves? Polonious, a pompous, fatuous, schemer, who-I freely admit-deserves to get stabbed and does. Shakespeare doesn’t want us to take anything he says seriously. Now if Hamlet said it, or some other be-tighted hero from the Bard’s good guy squad, we might should (to repeat a Southernism) listen. But it was Polonius, as useless a human being as that other guy with the cross-hatched tights in the other play (sorry, senior moment–Malvolio in Twelfth Night). So why do we listen? Because it appeals to our love of anarchy and the desire to determine our own truth.”
I’ve never given much thought to the person delivering the advice. I’d have to reread the play to get an idea of Polonius again, but whatever his faults, his advice is good. Perhaps as one who has failed in so many of those lessons Polonius is in a unique position to advise his son on how to truly make his life rich and successful?
Why do we listen to the advice? It has little to do with anarchy and more to do with looking beyond the speaker and listening only to the words. The advice itself is not contradictory within itself and if it is a useless schemer that delivers it, perhaps this is a small measure of good that he is able to do.
in all good literature
as well as in good lives
it is the fool that most often
gives the best advice.