So, I went to Texas. We flew into Houston and rented a car and drove to Austin. Did I mention that we arrived at about midnight and didn’t get on the road until one in the morning? We got to Austin and into our hotel at four in the morning. I managed to be remarkably cheerful throughout this entire journey and given my fierce need for predictable sleep this was nearly a miracle. We fitfully slept. Come morning we woke up and stumbled over towards Noah’s brothers house. I did my best to hang back and keep my mouth shut but eventually I ended up talking to his brother’s friends and his brothers a bit. I did my best to say little to his parents. By the end of the day I found I was thrilled to have met his brother’s friends and I think they are totally spiffy people.
The Friday after Thanksgiving we went back to his brother’s house and had Fat Tammies for breakfast. Holy cow were they good. Mashed potatoes and hash browns wrapped around meat. Oh Baby. I spent more time trying to talk to the siblings and hide from the parents, but that got harder as there were fewer people in the house. I did have a conversation about school systems and book worthiness with the parents but I quite consciously kept my comments very limited. When his parents left we had a good time talking more with the siblings and I think my sister-in-law completely rocks. At some point during the day she looked at Noah’s brother and said, “Finally I have someone to talk to while you tell stupid jokes.” *grin* I couldn’t have said it better! She also asked if they could see my tat and I explained the story. As is fairly typical they were not overly communicative; it is a heavy sort of story. Then we drove to Huntsville to stay at his parent’s house. We all sat and talked for a bit but I went to bed at around 10 with the goal of giving his parents time with him without me. He stayed up talking to them for a couple more hours. I got to enjoy book time and talk to japlady on the phone. She says I will get used to things, I disagree at this point.
Saturday we went for a walk with his parents and younger sister after breakfast. I thought it mostly went well. On the way back I was egging his sister on telling her to get a stick and hit Noah with it while I held his hands. This resulted in his mother fiercely berating his younger sister for how she “always goes too far.” I stuck up for the sister saying that I felt the situation was mostly my fault and not his younger sister’s as I had been egging her on the whole time. This resulted in some muttering and a tirade about how I don’t understand the problem. I didn’t say anything. We ran off after that and spent a few hours with Noah’s aunt. I am SO adopting her. I adore the woman. She is fiercely funny and eccentric and very strong-minded. I have a lot of appreciation for someone who really goes their own path. We went back to his parents’ house at his mother’s insistence that we “freshen up” before dinner. Uhm, ok. But we did it. Then we had an ok dinner. By this time I had already told Noah that I should probably not say anything at all if we want to have any kind of peace.
After dinner we wanted to head to bed seeing as we needed to get up at 4. This was 9:30. His parents said they wanted to talk to him for 15 minutes and they wanted me to not be there. Oh great. Yay! They are going to bitch about my behavior! Noah says that bitching about me was only for a little while. Then it turned into a huge long thing about his mother’s culture and how no one respects it. She apparently included some bits about how she can’t be held accountable for her actions because she had a bad childhood. . . . . Yeah. Words escape me. This conversation lasted over two hours and only really ended because I walked over to the house and asked for the car keys so I could get stuff out of the trunk to finish packing. I was incredibly pissed off and I was only as vaguely calm as I was because I have amazing friends who can talk me down. I seriously thought about just leaving. He came back and was tired and didn’t really want to talk about it, but in my charming way I made it pretty clear that I wasn’t going to calm down until we did. So he sucked it up and he tried to explain the gist of the conversation. This was tough to do as he was very tired. He made it pretty clear that most of the conversation wasn’t about me, but I was still pissed that I was the impetus. Apparently I am too loud, I have too many opinions, I am rude, and I don’t give my elders proper respect. I certainly acknowledge that I am loud, no problems admitting that. I have a lot of opinions and I think everyone should. I really don’t believe I was rude on this trip. I am not in denial about the fact that I can be rude, but I was completely on best behavior on this trip and Noah agrees that I was good. And god damnit, I give people exactly as much respect as they earn. And fuck you if you think you deserve more that you aren’t getting.
Needless to say, the trip home starting at 4 am wasn’t thrilling. We talked a lot. I feel pretty safe and secure that Noah isn’t going to demand that I behave in ways which are contrary to my ethics and personal needs. It was hard to get to that point though. And our conversations in general were pretty strained and tough and made worse because we were both so tired. 🙁 I think we are doing ok though. His mother’s comment when I left the house with the keys last night was, “Ut oh, we are all in trouble now.” I resent the comment. Noah isn’t in trouble. I wanted some explanation of what was going on from Noah and he gave it to me as well as he was able. I think his dad is pretty whipped and there isn’t much point in talking to the man as long as his wife hates me because he won’t be allowed to have a decent opinion of me. And I think his mom is going to hate me no matter what. Not worth anyone being in trouble.
So I like the extended family more than I thought I would. But his parents… that’s going to be an ongoing problem. *sigh*
So what is his mom’s culture, aside from overbearing and arrogant? And how would one ‘respect’ it?
Iowa farm/German (according to her).
I should be meek and deferential and seek her advice. I should not have opinions of my own and I should *never* judge her. I should also understand that when she is being awful it is the result of her abusive childhood and not call her on it. Cause no one other than her has ever had a bad childhood.
Iowa German culture. Okay.
So yeah, there’s a difference between respecting a culture and bending to its dictates and subscribing to its worldview. I’ve run into far too many Christians who don’t agree with me, but they also feel no need to ‘respect’ my culture.
so, does this mean that in order for her to respect *your* culture she should have opinions and stand next to them while respecting yours? *rolls eyes*
don’t worry too much about her hun… Noah loves you, and I’ve yet to see anything in his character that would allow his mother’s opinion of anything to color his life or his decisions he makes in it. I just hope things are better for future holidays if you guys go back to visit again.
I’m glad that you like most of your extended family, but I’m really sorry to hear that things didn’t go better with Noah’s parents. I do think you are really brave for flying out there; I went to my boyfriend’s family’s Thanksgiving, and it was really kind of scary (even though I’ve met his family several times before). I definitely would not have been able to fly to a whole different state and spend that long with people I didn’t know.
Kudos to you for being well behaved throughout the whole thing. You seem to have dealt with it quite well, and I’m glad that it sounds like things are still okay with you and your boy. 🙂
And the really sad part is this is one of the best trips to meet the parents of partners I’ve ever had!!
Awww….well, at least it’s going better than in the past?
The current boyfriend is the only one whose parents I have ever really met. Well, actually, I met someone’s parents before, but they didn’t know I was dating their offspring at the time, which was probably for the best. They found out after we broke up, and have not spoken to me since.
You went to Texas. huh. I’m glad you could.
First of all, I’m glad you spent Thanksgiving with Noah’s Family. And I’m glad that you’re the way you are. I’m sorry some of them seem to have problems with that… but you’re awesome and I think it sounds like you did an INCREDIBLE job.
Now~ as far as “Apparently I am too loud, I have too many opinions, I am rude, and I don’t give my elders proper respect. I certainly acknowledge that I am loud, no problems admitting that. I have a lot of opinions and I think everyone should. I really don’t believe I was rude on this trip. I am not in denial about the fact that I can be rude, but I was completely on best behavior on this trip and Noah agrees that I was good. And god damnit, I give people exactly as much respect as they earn. And fuck you if you think you deserve more that you aren’t getting.”
Thank you for writing that the way you did. “Apparently” I have too many opinions, and am too loud about them, am too loud in general, and am an agressive person. You should only give people as much respect as they earn… and fuck them if they think they deserve more than they get… I’m going to try and use you as an example for when I get irritated by people telling me I should be different than I am. I like who I am, and someone else telling me I’m too agressive (especially when it’s the same people who tell me not to let myself get walked over or taken advantage of) because I have my opinions and I make sure people don’t cross my boundaries… I go for what I want rather than waiting around for someone else to notice I don’t have it. Fuck anyone who doesn’t like me.
And fuck anyone who doesn’t like you. That’s my opinion… anyone wanna make something of it? 😉
Hon, Tammus and I have been together 16 years now. I’ve still haven’t met either of his parents. I don’t feel I have to.
I don’t see how it has to be an ongoing problem. You married him, not them. You do not have to spend any time with them.
I doubt his mom actually hates you. I’m thinking she feels a bit threatened. Mainly because she seems to need concepts of “respecting ones elders” to prop her self esteem up cause she apparently can’t pull off earning respect on her own. None of her issues are even about you. Remember that.
You’re beautiful and wonderful. It’s sad she’s so scared but it really isn’t your problem. She can be as fucked up as she wants to be and you can just stay away from her.
You’ve got plenty of family and plenty of love. This one little bit of unpleasantness won’t matter if you don’t let it.
Take care friend.
I went to bed and cuddled my Noah feeling really shitty and upset about all of this stuff. I lay there and thought about your words.
Thank you. It is difficult to describe how much your words helped me.
I’m really grateful to be able to help.
*smooshes*