This may get long and will certainly get hostile, so if the possibility of reading such from me bothers you…

Ok. So I have deliberately not posted much in the last week that was very serious because it’s been quite a week for me. (And my internal spelling-guide is off so my spelling may suck and I don’t feel like checking it.) I know I posted a teaser on Monday about how sexy my night was looking. Well… it didn’t work out exactly as planned. And by the end I was very upset. It doesn’t really matter why–just that I haven’t really gotten back to even keel since. I still feel very sensitive and vulnerable. And then this gawdawful heat got going and my body has decided to rebel in just about every way possible. It has just been a shitty week to be me.

I don’t like being upset with people I love. It hurts me deeply because not only am I angry or upset or let down or whatever, but I feel depressed because I don’t actually feel ok with having those emotions. I feel guilty that I am lashing out. I feel bad when I yell at people, even if I have bloody good reason to. So I’ve been really down on myself for days. Tuesday was a ‘sit-in-the-bathtub-and-try-to-talk-myself-out-of-cutting’ day. It really was Not Good. And all because I had the audacity to get angry. It’s a broken mechanism, I know. It means that even conversations that should go relatively smoothly have been a total nightmare. Poor Noah has borne the brunt of a lot of temper tantrums and crying and me being rather mean all week. I’m deeply grateful to him and for him.

I’m having a bitch of a time with some self identity stuff. I just feel off kilter and out of synch. I don’t know where I fit right now. I’m thinking about bailing on upcoming events and just staying home. I am not certain that I am fit for human contact. This weekend kind of showed me that. On Friday we went to the bondage party and I had a decently good time there. I suspended myself, which I don’t do often at all. It was really fun and it felt great and apparently it was fun to watch. Go me. Then we went over to a friend’s house and the evening got… more complicated. I was very introspective and not really being social and that was awkward for me pretty often.

Saturday I had therapy and then we went to a bondage class then to a birthday party. During the course of the day I managed to see a number of people I have known for years and years and it felt really great to see how much people continue to like me after knowing me for a long time. Yay! Guess I’m not such a bitch. I had a couple of difficult social situations though. One was when I ran into my staunch belief that “mean isn’t funny.” I don’t belive in being nasty to people or insulting them as a matter of course. I don’t pretend that I am a saint and that I have never insulted anyone or that I am never mean, but I try really really hard not to say things that are putting people down. And if anyone thinks that what I was saying was mean I try to apologize. I don’t believe in the comment “I’m not mean–you’re just a sissy.” That’s bullshit and bullying. I spend a lot of time at my job trying to get kids to stop bullying and it really pisses me off when I see “adults” perpetrating the same attitude. It’s just not cute or funny. Then I got told that despite the fact that I am a player at BaGG and that I go quite often, I am not as in touch with the current playspace there or what the needs of the dungeon are. It’s a big hot button for me to be told that I don’t know about something I do often. Excuse me, when were you there last? Oh wait, you don’t even know where the playspace is in the damn building. Let me defer my knowledge to you. So I left the birthday party feeling very cranky.

Today Noah and I tried to get a little done in the morning but when I started shouting at him we knew it was time to go find air conditioning because I was rapidly approaching not-human. I really don’t handle heat in any way and the last week has been inclined to make me far crankier than average anyway. I’m spending time with some people one-on-one this week and hosting a planning meeting to see if we really are going to try and get a bdsm TNG con off the ground and other than that… I may just hide for the next week. Big social events are not sounding smart.