It just popped into my brain to wonder why I should be single. I’m not saying that I am going to hook up with the next asshole on craigslist to avoid the fate, but why is it a should? I don’t get it.
I’ve been told dozens of times that I should be single for a while. Why?
Single-hood gives you perspective. A chance to see what you’re like without being under the influence of someone else.
This logic I kind of object to. We (humans in general) are always under the influence of other people whether we are dating/fucking them or not. My attitudes and behavior change radically based on what friends group I am hanging out with as much or more than it does based on who I am dating. Who I am dating may have some influence over that friends group… but not always and not in a solid cause/effect way.
Besides. Given how much I changed during my relationship with Tom and my relationship with Stephen and with Puppy and… yeah. I am very different in general over time and I refuse to believe it is just because of the person I am dating.
Your life, your perspective. I was just thinking that outside of a relationship you have more time for introspection, without having to worry about if any changes you make will influence your relationship with your partner.
Of course, your milage may vary.
*grin*
I doubt I do any more introspection. It would be frightening if I were any more self-absorbed…
Well, my answer to that would be that I think that the generally accepted wisdom on this is true, but that does not mean that you couldn’t be an exception to the rule. It’s not necessarily wise to assume that you are, though either.
And that is that if you have recently left a relationship that was meaningful to you, especially if the parting was traumatic or not equally desired by both partners. It’s a disorienting and stressful event on the emotional scale, and much like major surgery on the physical scale, it can be best to take some time to heal and regain your equilibrium and a sense of what your new or changed capacities are before you return to your normal levels of activity.
A simpler way to put it– if you don’t take the time needed to heal from the damage of the last relationship, you may find yourself dragging that damage along with you into the next one, dooming it from the beginning.
Some people heal faster than others, and some people are less damaged by failed relationships (not necessarily a -good- thing mind you). And we all carry at least a little bit of damage or scar tissue from past relationships with us forever, regardless. But it’s just generally wiser to avoid rushing from one relationship to another without taking some time in between to take a breath, regain your personal orientation and decide what lessons you need to learn from the last one before you start a new one. And most people know this, even if they tend to express it in simpler terms.
I’ve known people who go from relationship to relationship without pause, because they just can’t see themselves as whole without a partner or because they simply hate sleeping alone or whatever…and they’re not usually happy people in good relationships, because the desire to constantly be in a Relationship is more important to them than -who- they’re in a relationship with; and that leads to bad choices and unfortunate compromises.
Not saying there can’t be exceptions, but it’s foolish to unilaterally decide that you’re going to be one of them unless you have some compellingly strong evidence to the contrary.
A couple of points: I am dragging more bagging into relationships from my childhood than I am from past relationships. (I would like to think. Although I know that right now I am over-sensitive to perceived elitism, racism, homophobia, and someone who is married to their job.) Although, I think these things are always a problem for me it is just a magnified problem right now….
What I’m trying to figure out is: how can you know how much that you have really learned from a situation? And I don’t know how to take what I’ve learned back out into the world. I don’t want to start out (when I am ready to really look for a relationship) with a freakin checklist. That is contrived and icki feeling. But how does one learn from past incompatibilities without flat swearing off ever dealing with anything even vaguely similar?
I feel frustrated by my lack of ability to tell the future.
WHERE IS MY FUCKING CRYSTAL BALL?!
Hmm. Okays without a checklist. How’s about you take thoughts from the experience that run more like this: This aspect was poop, do i want that again, yes or no?
This aspect was cool, would I like that again, yes or no?
Just clarifies that way what you learned about yourself in terms of relationship preferences.
Course there are all the indefinables that you can’t pin down and thats just fine.
I do think it helps to know what you want though.
I understand what people say about being alone for a while. Just cause it sometimes helps to spend some time in ones on skin without distractions in order to get perspective on what one wants. But its not neccessary.
I met Tammus while I was still hung up over some other guy. Frankly it helped cause my romantic attention was turned away and looking at some other guy, it helped me see Tammus clearly without putting any of my wishes on him. Course before long my attention on the other guy just dropped like a rock. I was thinking him pshaw, not so much, but look at this shiny! I likes!
As for should? Fuck should.
In general, because Rebound Relationships™ tend to not work out. If you get involved with someone your emotional attachment you had with the last someone undergoes transferrance to the new target. You have an illusion of intimacy built on the former relationship when it’s not really there, so you begin building on foundations that aren’t there, and it doesn’t take long for everything to crumble to pieces.
I had this is a bad way when my first love dumped me. It took me more than a year to really get over him. I didn’t want to break up, and the yearning to get back with him was intense. I kept wanting to think I was over him, but I was fooling myself. The next relationship I got into was during that year, and was a total clusterfuck.
How long does it take until you’re ‘over’ someone? My best marker for myself is that I can say I’m ‘over’ someone when I stop yearning to be back in a relationship with them. Probably depends on who did the dumping, and how emotionally entangled you are, and how many relationships you’ve had.
Hmmmmm. The transference argument probably makes the most sense to me. I wasn’t coming up with it on my own and I thank you. I can point at examples of this phenomena in my own life…
Additional points on this line that worry me: I know that I am always going to transfer some of my schtuff if I get into a D/s relationship again. I don’t think I know how to really segregate out the feelings I had for Tom from the feelings I have had for my Master because he was the only one.
I specifically avoided using the word “baggage”, but that sort of false intimacy might be part of what “baggage” means to some people. The dragging of schtuff from one relationship into another where it does not belong.
After my first rebound relationship blew up in my face, I kinda started to understand what was going on and deliberatly tried to redirect my transferrance onto my cat, along the theory that it had to go somewhere, might as well attach to a safe target. (Safe in that at least I can’t do emotional damage to another guy, and oh yeah – I hurt him bad.) It probably had something to do with why it hit me so hard when she died.
I’m not suggesting the cat route, mind you, just saying that’s what I did. Then there’s also the theory that this is is the reason so many single women have cats… Not to propagate a stereotype or anything.
I suspect that this advice is usually given for one of two primary reasons.
1) people are cautioning you away from “rebound” relationships. That is, they’re cautioning you away from the possibility of transferring your feelings for puppy onto someone else. This is generally a highly debatable tactic and is especially problematic when done unintentionally, (which is the usual way).
2) identity issues. People who have strongly identified with a relationship or a partner often feel a lack of identity after a breakup. They will, sometimes, make poor and rushed partner choices in an attempt to fill that hole. And doing so effectively blocks one from reconnecting with one’s self, in isolation from any particular partner, which general wisdom would declare a more healthy approach.
Personally, I think the identity loss problems are worse during a relationship, especially at the beginning. And I think that rebounds can be exploited as a means of reconnecting with self and rebuilding self confidence, feelings of being lovable, sexy, etc. What’s sketchy is trying to do this while also being open to a new long term relationship. I certainly wouldn’t trust myself to do it well.
Essentially, needs that have been being filled by the now missing partner are going to sting for a bit. It’s going to feel like you’re unsupported or missing something significant. General wisdom says that it’s better to repair those lacks, better to address those needs while being single before becoming part of a couple again. Most people, moving right into a new couple, would be tempted to push the new partner into the same roles and positions that the previous partner filled, which is awkward. Done enough times, one can also lose the ability to address these needs on one’s own, which is a vital life skill whether single or in a couple.
I would temper that advice for you. For you, I’d say, if you find yourself falling heavy and fast for someone new, right now, I’d encourage you to treat your feelings with extreme suspicion, skepticism, and cynicism.
Why You “Should” Be Single
by Cygnet
A person should be single sometimes because it’s the best way to find the time to take yourself out on a date.
A person should be single sometimes because everyone else sucks as a date.
A person should be single sometimes because s.o.’s hog the covers and leave the toilet seat up during the night.
A person should be single sometimes because cats and dogs are fuzzy and soft in ways other people aren’t.
A person should be single sometimes because solitude and tranquility are valuable.
A person should be single sometimes because it’s easier to get laid by some hottie you just picked up.
A person should be single sometimes because no one else looks as cute in your bunny slippers as you do.
A person should be single sometimes because it’s much harder for you to feel used by your self.
A person should be single sometimes because you will always know where any misplaced used underwear has been.
A person should be single sometimes because compromise will once again only be a word for the spell checker.
A person should be single sometimes because burping and farting are really not pleasant as competitive sports go.
A person should be single sometimes because it can take time to figure out what you want to do for the future.
A person should be single sometimes because holding both the remote and the popcorn is sooooooo underrated.
A person should be single sometimes because playing hard-to-get on a whim can be ego-healing.
A person should be single sometimes because it’s a good way to pick up chicks when dogwalking.
A person should be single sometimes so any overprotectiveness will come from friends who’ll listen when told ‘thank you but fuck off.’
A person should be single sometimes because sometimes all you might want is a heavy scene with uncomplicated emotions.
A person should be single sometimes because fitting into someone else’s mould can result in the most painful chiropractic adjustments.
A person should be single sometimes because little things don’t become big arguments.
A person should be single sometimes because the bathroom is yours, all yours! Muahahaha!
I think I need to draw cutesy line art and have a sentence on each page in big letters. I can call it the why-be-single book for kinky adults 😉