But it frames the problem incompletely. Being uncomfortable with polyamory is not necessarily entirely about fear, but *time*.
We all have different time / attention requirements. Some people find themselves very contented seeing their major relationship once every week or two. I’m a bit higher maintenance than that, but not as bad as others – who feel the need to “touch base” every few hours while at work during the day and then spend all free time together.
I found that most of the work in a poly relationship is related to finding time to delicately balance everybody’s upkeep requirements… and that if you can manage that, the jealousy issues become much more easily resolved.
Her article regarding fear was nice, but I feel it really skimmed over that aspect.
Being uncomfortable with polyamory is not necessarily entirely about fear, but *time*.
Agreed. I feel like between work, friends, family, and hobbies I barely have enough time for ONE S.O., nevermind more! I suppose you could frame that as a fear – fear of not having enough time with my SO if my SO had Others… but I think that’s a very practical and justified fear and one that talking out isn’t really going to solve – as best as we try to manage our time we can never actually create more of it.
Polyamory does mean that you have to learn to balance your time between your partners, yes.
But I think it might boil down to fear in the end. “Jane” might be worried that there is not enough time for “Joe” or “Bob”, and they might feel that Jane is not spending enough with them, and what that boils down to sometimes (if jealousy is indeed involved, which it probably is) is fear that they are not important, or that they will lose her, or whathaveyou. She’s looking at polyamory from the side of the person who is being left at home, who is jealous, and who is the afraid one. She’s looking at it from the perspective of the person whose requirements are being upkept (in your explaination).
I mean, you’ve got a point, time for partners is a major concern, but I think the reason you have to be so conscious of time a lot is because you don’t want to make your partners worry (and be full of fear).
The article isn’t really addressing why people don’t choose hella involved poly (more than one S.O., for instance). What it is addressing is jealousy in poly, and how to deal with it (communication).
I utterly and outright rejected Core Belief #3 about the same time I rejected all forms of organized religion, which was about when I was in kindergarden.
I have also had the experience of someone harping and harping on the “time” issue, when their real issues were in fact the emotional insecurity, and a set of beliefs that just didn’t allow for the possibility of poly. It was probably nearly the worst mistake of my life to finally give in to him and agree to a monogamous relationship. Never again.
Interesting article
But it frames the problem incompletely. Being uncomfortable with polyamory is not necessarily entirely about fear, but *time*.
We all have different time / attention requirements. Some people find themselves very contented seeing their major relationship once every week or two. I’m a bit higher maintenance than that, but not as bad as others – who feel the need to “touch base” every few hours while at work during the day and then spend all free time together.
I found that most of the work in a poly relationship is related to finding time to delicately balance everybody’s upkeep requirements… and that if you can manage that, the jealousy issues become much more easily resolved.
Her article regarding fear was nice, but I feel it really skimmed over that aspect.
Re: Interesting article
Being uncomfortable with polyamory is not necessarily entirely about fear, but *time*.
Agreed. I feel like between work, friends, family, and hobbies I barely have enough time for ONE S.O., nevermind more! I suppose you could frame that as a fear – fear of not having enough time with my SO if my SO had Others… but I think that’s a very practical and justified fear and one that talking out isn’t really going to solve – as best as we try to manage our time we can never actually create more of it.
Re: Interesting article
Polyamory does mean that you have to learn to balance your time between your partners, yes.
But I think it might boil down to fear in the end. “Jane” might be worried that there is not enough time for “Joe” or “Bob”, and they might feel that Jane is not spending enough with them, and what that boils down to sometimes (if jealousy is indeed involved, which it probably is) is fear that they are not important, or that they will lose her, or whathaveyou. She’s looking at polyamory from the side of the person who is being left at home, who is jealous, and who is the afraid one. She’s looking at it from the perspective of the person whose requirements are being upkept (in your explaination).
I mean, you’ve got a point, time for partners is a major concern, but I think the reason you have to be so conscious of time a lot is because you don’t want to make your partners worry (and be full of fear).
The article isn’t really addressing why people don’t choose hella involved poly (more than one S.O., for instance). What it is addressing is jealousy in poly, and how to deal with it (communication).
I thought it was quite good.
I think it’s an excellent article.
I do not beleive Core Belief #1.
I do not beleive Core Belief #2.
I utterly and outright rejected Core Belief #3 about the same time I rejected all forms of organized religion, which was about when I was in kindergarden.
I have also had the experience of someone harping and harping on the “time” issue, when their real issues were in fact the emotional insecurity, and a set of beliefs that just didn’t allow for the possibility of poly. It was probably nearly the worst mistake of my life to finally give in to him and agree to a monogamous relationship. Never again.