I’m sitting here reading a book on codependence.
I am simultaneously happy and angry and sad. I don’t know how to deal with the mix of emotions. There are so many warring chemicals in my brain. GRRRRRRRR
It is really interesting to me that I can have simultaneous emotions. Wouldn’t it seem logical to cycle through them rapidly rather than fully experiencing many of them at the same instant?
Yo! Feelings don’t happen logically. That is why we call them *feelings*.
(but yes, yes, I know and I agree)
Cycling through them rapidly is not fun, but when I experience them all at once, I can at least (usually) reflect on what that means.
Multi-level emotions.
I don’t know how normal it is, but I do the same thing all the time. I typically get multiple emotions all at once. When you see me looking like I am without emotion, it’s usually because I just got flodded adn need a few seconds or minutes to sift through.
On the codependence issue….
Crack out a few books on cross cultural phsychology. There is actually a lot of evidence that a LACK of codependence is as unhealthy as too much of it. In fact Japanese consider Americans to be nuts as a whole in part because of our unwillingness to BE dependent as adults — the Japanese pattern is closer to whats normal for human beings world wide than the US pattern (which is consistant with northern European culture.
Keep in mind, we be PACK ANIMALS.
Also, the desire to feel one thing at a time is also cultural and is part of our logical traditions of something is either right or wrong, black or white. Easterners suffer no such need for this and have have whats been referred to as GREY or fuzzy logic… and a willingness to experience conflicting emotions at the same moment.
I will stifle my “yeah yeah yeah” response to you and say:
Part of what I am identifying with the most strongly is the antidependence. Being absolutely unwilling/unable to ask for help in getting my needs/wants met. I had never recognized it as part of codependence before. I’m pondering a bunch of stuff right now.
would this be the, if you really cared about me you’d know what I want/need without me having to ask for it? Or the, if I ask for what I need I might be viewed as high maintenance or a drama queen and the person might leave me?
I don’t expect anyone to read my mind.
My problem is more in that if I need/want/demand anything I think it is too much. I’m not worth the effort. It isn’t even just about feeling high maintenance or like a drama queen, I’m just not worth much of any effort.
Yeah. I’m always worried about someone leaving me. 🙁
Jee I’m looking forward to the day your self image better aligns with how we all see you.
I really don’t know what it is, but even when you are trying really hard to say something nice to me it sounds mean when I hear it. I don’t understand.
I think what she is saying is that when you say, “I’m just not worth the effort” there is a cognitive dissonance for those of us who think you are pretty nifty.
(I know, I say the exact same kind of thing – just mostly in my head or just to Jeff. He reassures me that many other people think I am nifty – including him – and I think and hope that someday I will believe it on more than just a head-level. once I believe it in my heart, nothing will ever be able to stop me! bua ha ha.)
ahem.
we like you. we want U to like you, too. All I’m sayin’.
HUG
I think we are all going to throw a huge party on this day.
One of the hardest things in the world for most folks is to say “I am worth it” and then to believe that. There have been times in my life when I was the only one around to affirm what I was worth. Perhaps that is why I find ease in assuring others.
You are worth a great deal of effort in many contexts. You are worth love, lust, and compassion. You are worth helping.
Something else I realized: I also do not expect folks to read my mind, yet I still have needs and desires. Thus I set out to master (or at least gain a handle on) the task of asking for what I want. When I wavered on that, I decided to allow those I asked to decide if it was worthwhile to respond (and how) rather then fighting with myself over whether I deserved to ask. That’s a tricky one that still rears it’s head in my life on occasion. For the most part, I look at it this way: I have a zero per cent chance of getting what I need / want / desire if no one knows what that is. I have a much higher chance of finding fulfillment when I ask.
I go through this exact thing. So, I think I may understand. It is this war inside you of factions. Some wishing to just open your mouth and say the words that your ego is screaming. SOme telling you not to for various reasons both ration and irrational. Something as simple as a hug when I am feeling down. I just can’t do it. I start to ask why should I ask for anything? Do I deserve it? How are they going to react to my request? And eventually I just let the desire go because it’s just all too much to deal with.
And I am worth the effort. THAT’S the frustration for me. You are also worth the request. And almost everyone who knows you would jump at the chance to fill that request.
But you can’t “yeah yeah” ME, young lady!
What she’s saying has value. When you’re reading stuff saying that co-dependency is bad, remember that the writer is part of this culture that values independence so very extremely.
There’s a word that’s often missing in these conversations: interdependence.
Dependence isn’t the problem. Subsuming oneself in another – that’s the problem.
They way I see it emotions are like flavors. To get a certain one, we combine others until we get just the right combination. However, that doesn’t mean that just because something is really salty it can’t be really sweet (or, say, pleasurable and painful;) )
Gratifyingly enough, after I’d figured this out and come to the conclusion that it’s more of a mix than a “one at a time” thing, I read an article in a psych journal that talked about just that. Seems it’s not that uncommon at all.
Wouldn’t it seem logical to cycle through them rapidly rather than fully experiencing many of them at the same instant?
*Grin* If emotions were logical, we’d call them something besides emotions. 🙂
You can so be smacked.
*bends over* 😉
Logicians?
*ducks and runs*
*claps*
Well, I guess that means you are not a fairy. . . remember, Tinkerbell could only feel one emotion at a time. Multiprocessing emotions is what makes us human (ok, one of the myriad of things).
You learn something every day. Today I learned that anti-dependance is part of the co-dependancy cycle.
As to the emotions, I hate trying to balance out that mix of chemicals. I frequently get confused about what I am actually feeling, because the layers of emotion are too complicatedly mixed together.
Anyway, I’m sorry if it’s not much help, but I just wanted to comment to let you know I was listening, for what it’s worth.
I guess you didn’t get my email about hanging out today. Maybe I screwed up your address. Want to try for next week?
boot_slut AT livejournal DOT com works quite well and such. 🙂
hugs… jsut hugs.