Poly-mono is usually a term reserved for a relationship where one of the partners is practicing poly, and the other is still mono. Which means, if you’re the practicing poly person, you get to keep what’s “yours” without having to share, and get to indulge in others, too. The mono partner, on the other hand, is in the position of sharing, so this type of relationship is often immensely challenging.
That’s a really good presentation of the info. I think he harps on the cheating thing a bit too much, but maybe it’s necessary. The only part that really didn’t resonate with me was this:
Jealousy is most common when somebody feels insecure, mistreated, threatened, or vulnerable in a relationship. If you feel secure in a relationship, you don’t get jealous.
I’ll be the first to admit I’m incredibly insecure, but I still don’t feel jealousy. Hmmm.
He’s not wrong, and it fact that’s probably the best way to explain it to monogamous or poly-curious folks.
If you feel secure in a relationship, you don’t get jealous.
Sure, but you can turn that around. If there’s nothing to be jealous OF I tend to feel a lot more secure.
Just for reference, I’m recently coming off of a 4+ year attempt to see if polyamory would work for me and have decided that it does not. I see other people it works for, but I’ve learned that my brain operates different from theirs.
…was a discussion of the difference between jealousy and envy, or at least the distinction that many people mean when they differentiate the two terms.
Jealousy is being afraid of losing what you’ve got. If you’re jealous, you feel insecure about whether your partner might be “taken away” by somebody else, or that they might just reallocate time to spend more on a new person, and less with you.
Envy is wanting what other people have.
Personally, I am almost completely free of jealousy — I’m too arrogant for it. My attitude in multi-person relationships is something like, “Sure, so-and-so is nifty, but I am also nifty, in ways that are unique and irreplaceable, so why would my SO stop wanting to see me just because of that other person?” But I am envious, in many dimensions — money, toys, time and attention from friends or lovers — and so that’s an issue I work hard on dealing with rationally.
Also, it’s worth noting that while lacking jealousy probably makes it easier for me to function well in a poly arrangement, it does not imply that I am incapable of having and enjoying a monogamous relationship. I think one other thing that the author of this article missed is that, as with bisexuals, who enjoy both men and women, there are people who are fine with both closed and open relationships. I personally have enjoyed some of the options polyamory gave me in the past, but I’ve always felt that monogamy (or polyfidelity, if I could actually find more than one person I wanted to be with for the long haul) was going to be a better choice for me if/when I “settled down”.
Re: One thing that was missing… (and an excellent point)
I think one other thing that the author of this article missed is that, as with bisexuals, who enjoy both men and women, there are people who are fine with both closed and open relationships.
I used to believe that poly was something someone either was or was not, and that everything in between was just experimentation to learn which was right for them. It’s taken me a long time to accept that just because there are people who can be fine with either style of relationship, it doesn’t automagickally make them “poly”.
It’s possible that the author simply doesn’t make that distinction either, and instead sees the in-betweens as just experimenting.
I think one other thing that the author of this article missed is that, as with bisexuals, who enjoy both men and women, there are people who are fine with both closed and open relationships.
It may not be addressed in that specific article, as that article is specifically aimed at monogamous-leaning people who are getting involved with poly people who DON’T feel they are able to compromise on being poly… elsewhere on the site he does acknowledge that most people have some amount of flexibility and it is probably a minority of people who can ONLY be happy with either monogamy or polyamoury.
“Sure, so-and-so is nifty, but I am also nifty, in ways that are unique and irreplaceable, so why would my SO stop wanting to see me just because of that other person?”
it’s a good attitude to have, until you actually DO get dumped for so-and-so… not that I’m bitter or anything. Of course you can then say “well clearly (ex)SO had poor taste”… but then of course that brings into question your OWN taste for dating (ex)SO in the first place…
All of us, no matter how intelligent, are prone to lapses of judgement.
Also, the principle doesn’t apply well when people who are strongly inclined towards monogamy involved, because of course in that case people will definitely have to make choices about which sort of niftiness they prefer.
is there a grey area? polymono?
Interesting.
Julie doesn’t ‘share well’ though. MINE MINE MINE! hehe
Re: is there a grey area? polymono?
There are so many flavors of poly that there are sort of shades of grey. However, either there is sharing or there isn’t sharing. So… technically no.
Ok, I’ve added you to all the filters. Go read dirty stuff.
Re: is there a grey area? polymono?
sweet!
Re: is there a grey area? polymono?
Poly-mono is usually a term reserved for a relationship where one of the partners is practicing poly, and the other is still mono. Which means, if you’re the practicing poly person, you get to keep what’s “yours” without having to share, and get to indulge in others, too. The mono partner, on the other hand, is in the position of sharing, so this type of relationship is often immensely challenging.
Re: is there a grey area? polymono?
heh, i thought i made up that word poly-mono, but it’s a real term!
That sure explained a lot of things that I was curious about…
I take it you are a friend of porgypie’s in Hawaii?
Yep!
Interesting
That’s a really good presentation of the info. I think he harps on the cheating thing a bit too much, but maybe it’s necessary. The only part that really didn’t resonate with me was this:
I’ll be the first to admit I’m incredibly insecure, but I still don’t feel jealousy. Hmmm.
He’s not wrong, and it fact that’s probably the best way to explain it to monogamous or poly-curious folks.
Re: Interesting
If you feel secure in a relationship, you don’t get jealous.
Sure, but you can turn that around. If there’s nothing to be jealous OF I tend to feel a lot more secure.
Just for reference, I’m recently coming off of a 4+ year attempt to see if polyamory would work for me and have decided that it does not. I see other people it works for, but I’ve learned that my brain operates different from theirs.
One thing that was missing…
…was a discussion of the difference between jealousy and envy, or at least the distinction that many people mean when they differentiate the two terms.
Jealousy is being afraid of losing what you’ve got. If you’re jealous, you feel insecure about whether your partner might be “taken away” by somebody else, or that they might just reallocate time to spend more on a new person, and less with you.
Envy is wanting what other people have.
Personally, I am almost completely free of jealousy — I’m too arrogant for it. My attitude in multi-person relationships is something like, “Sure, so-and-so is nifty, but I am also nifty, in ways that are unique and irreplaceable, so why would my SO stop wanting to see me just because of that other person?” But I am envious, in many dimensions — money, toys, time and attention from friends or lovers — and so that’s an issue I work hard on dealing with rationally.
Also, it’s worth noting that while lacking jealousy probably makes it easier for me to function well in a poly arrangement, it does not imply that I am incapable of having and enjoying a monogamous relationship. I think one other thing that the author of this article missed is that, as with bisexuals, who enjoy both men and women, there are people who are fine with both closed and open relationships. I personally have enjoyed some of the options polyamory gave me in the past, but I’ve always felt that monogamy (or polyfidelity, if I could actually find more than one person I wanted to be with for the long haul) was going to be a better choice for me if/when I “settled down”.
Re: One thing that was missing… (and an excellent point)
I think one other thing that the author of this article missed is that, as with bisexuals, who enjoy both men and women, there are people who are fine with both closed and open relationships.
I used to believe that poly was something someone either was or was not, and that everything in between was just experimentation to learn which was right for them. It’s taken me a long time to accept that just because there are people who can be fine with either style of relationship, it doesn’t automagickally make them “poly”.
It’s possible that the author simply doesn’t make that distinction either, and instead sees the in-betweens as just experimenting.
Re: One thing that was missing…
I think one other thing that the author of this article missed is that, as with bisexuals, who enjoy both men and women, there are people who are fine with both closed and open relationships.
It may not be addressed in that specific article, as that article is specifically aimed at monogamous-leaning people who are getting involved with poly people who DON’T feel they are able to compromise on being poly… elsewhere on the site he does acknowledge that most people have some amount of flexibility and it is probably a minority of people who can ONLY be happy with either monogamy or polyamoury.
oh and…
“Sure, so-and-so is nifty, but I am also nifty, in ways that are unique and irreplaceable, so why would my SO stop wanting to see me just because of that other person?”
it’s a good attitude to have, until you actually DO get dumped for so-and-so… not that I’m bitter or anything. Of course you can then say “well clearly (ex)SO had poor taste”… but then of course that brings into question your OWN taste for dating (ex)SO in the first place…
Re: oh and…
All of us, no matter how intelligent, are prone to lapses of judgement.
Also, the principle doesn’t apply well when people who are strongly inclined towards monogamy involved, because of course in that case people will definitely have to make choices about which sort of niftiness they prefer.
I really liked this page:
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolymyths.html
I agreed with every single thing he listed there. Goodness.