I think I am getting sick. My head hurts. My stomach hurts (ok, it hurts every day but it hurts earlier and more than usual). My throat kind of hurts. Being sick on top of feeling fuzzy headed and stupid and awkward and incapable really sucks.

I think I was this brain dead last time. I lose track of things I am doing and just… kinda… wander off. Jenny says welcome to the ADD experience. I get up to get/do something and by the time I heave myself out of a chair… I have no idea what I wanted. This is old. I am now late to every single thing I do. I am just scheduling less to compensate. I feel like seriously getting out of my house three times a week is a lot. If it weren’t for Shanna getting cabin fever I probably would do less of it. (Uhm, we do go out in the yard and stuff… I’m not totally locking her in the house. I’m just not up for things like the zoo or Happy Hollow or the museum on my own anymore.)

I really feel like it is wise that Noah already put his foot down about a third pregnancy. It would be so so so much worse to do this with two children. And I am so frustrated with just about everything about being pregnant. I’m tired of smelling. I’m tired of feeling awkward and having trouble getting up. I’m tired of not enjoying food and feeling like eating is this horrible onerous chore that makes me want to cry. I feel so terribly lonely and isolated but I really don’t have the energy to be social and interactive. Even when people come here I spend a noticeable amount of time mostly staring off into space because I just can’t be more energetic or present.

The house is getting messier and messier. I don’t have it in me to entertain Shanna much so I ignore her making huge messes, which stresses Noah out, so I feel guilty and like I am a terrible person for making his life worse because I am too lazy to interact with Shanna and keep her from dumping all of the clothes out of her dresser and spread them throughout the house. This cycle sucks so much. (On top of the books and toys and kitchen stuff she spreads everywhere.) It’s not that hard to clean up. When I get up and do it it takes less than half an hour, but there are an awful lot of days when even the idea of having to bend over that much makes me cry. So Noah has one more thing he has to do when he is already doing so much. 🙁

I am normally a competent, high functioning, energetic person. This process is so terrible for my entire self esteem. Seven more weeks of this sounds like hell on earth.