Shanna is starting to get to the point where she is asking me to buy her stuff other than food. (She has been asking for food stuff for a long time, but I really don’t have any issue with her constant requests for fruit. That’s a-ok in my book.)
This morning she was looking through the Hanna Andersson catalog. She asked for a couple of things in the catalog. I told her we could put it on her Christmas list. She thought that was a pretty awesome idea even after I clarified that stuff being on her Christmas list does not guarantee that she will be getting it. It’s a possibility not a promise.
This is slightly weird for me. My Christmas lists were treated as wholly irrelevant. My mom bought what was on sale. I didn’t get the stuff I wanted the most (beyond books–I did get the books I wanted most of the time) and I think I have that poor kid issue of, “Well my kids won’t have to suffer through the constant disappointment I did!” But uhm… I’m finding myself struggling with a balance. I also don’t want to do what so many poor kids turned middle class parents do–namely spoiling the shit out of my kids so they have a horrible entitlement complex. No thanks. I sincerely feel like one of the best things teaching did for me was show me the end result of a lot of parenting strategies and help me learn which ones to avoid. (Teaching 16/17 year olds was perfect.)
It’s hard for me because we totally could afford to just go buy her the like 5 things she currently wants. It wouldn’t be a blip in our budget. But… no. I need to find the happy medium there. She has plenty of stuff. Much of it hand-me-downs. She has really nice stuff by and large. And that’s good enough. She doesn’t need tons more stuff. I think it is going to be a long-term struggle for me to deal with my own baggage around stuff in a way that is healthy for her. There is nothing wrong with her saying, “Oh that’s neat; I would like to have that.” It is not a guilt trip on me that I should provide it. It’s not a demand. It’s a statement of fact–she thinks she would like to have it. It’s ok for her to think that. It’s also ok for me as the parent to say, “I can understand why you would like to have that, but I don’t think we will buy it right now.” That’s ok too. I am not being mean. I am not denying her in some terrible way. It’s ok for me to set these kinds of boundaries because she is not yet capable of doing it herself. It’s ok. Really.
I know the flippant comment is “it’s good to want” but it really is. Having a reward is less, ahem, rewarding than anticipating a reward. Which is why you so often get something you really really really really really really wanted…and now you don’t care anymore.
It’s more than okay – it’s a vital part of her learning about those kinds of boundaries, I think.
I just want to say again how impressed I am at the effort you put into dealing with your baggage, especially with regard to its impact on your parenting. It’s pretty inspirational to me.
If I don’t deal with my baggage no one else will. 😉 (I mean no one else will deal with *my* baggage. What other people do is independent of me no matter how awesome I want to say I am.)
Yeah, but I feel like so many people either ignore their baggage or aren’t even aware that it *is* baggage (because, yes, I judge like that) that it’s inspiring to get to witness bits and pieces of others’ process of actually dealing with it. 🙂
Ahem. I happen to know someone who wasn’t able to get her the thing they wanted to get her for her birthday, who would very much like to get her Something She’d Like.
It would be an act of kindness for you to tell this person at least one of those five things on her list. And that would simply make you an accessory to a Conspiracy of Happiness, not spoiling your child.
Just … y’know … sayin’.
Heh. I’m not sure she would forgive me if I wasn’t willing to tell people… 😀
She wanted these slippers: http://www.hannaandersson.com/style.asp?from=SC|17|2|24|60|9||&simg=36774_D42 and the jammies: http://www.hannaandersson.com/Style.asp?styleId=35495&grpng=&from=MS|LH36774|Y|&simg=35495_97D
She was very specific that she wanted the PINK ONES. (which is unusual, normally she gravitates away from pink) The jammies should be size 100 and the slippers should be 7-9. She’s still not quite in those sizes, but she’s close and she really doesn’t need anymore 3T anything. 🙂
Although it is worth pointing out that jammies are a traditional Christmas present for me so this was absolutely going on the ‘will get for sure’ list. I’m just not going to tell Shanna that. 🙂
It is ok. REALLY. 🙂
The adults I know who got everything as children are really unhappy now. I keep that in mind when I shop with Lil Miss L because she is constantly wanting more stuff (that never gets played with or used) and I always say no. When she says I am mean I tell her ” I am your stepmom I am suppose to be mean!!!” Meanwhile I know that I am pretty good stepmom and the worse I really do is make her eat veggies.
I do, at times, buy her something when it is not expected. It makes that item special and hopefully treasured longer than most items.
-gee
Everything I’ve ever heard about your step-parenting makes me think you are a good one. 🙂
have you asked her *why* she wants the stuff she sees?
i did that with my kids when they were little and found, many times, all they wanted was something that was pretty or maybe looked like it would provide them a different kind of fun.
and, lots of time, we could come up with something to do, or another alternate activity that was fun for all of us (like the time we decorated a bunch of Chinette paper plates for my daughter who wanted a new set of dishes for her “kitchen.”).
re: too much stuff. we had a rule that stuff coming in meant stuff going out to kids who had less than ours did. it kept the piles to a manageable level. and they still do it – clean out their rooms and bag no-longer-used stuff for the “poor box.”
She wants slippers because she is totally in love with putting shoes on and off and most of her pairs are frustratingly too hard to put on. She also wanted the matching jammies because she thinks it is neat to have your clothes match your shoes.
She wants a new baby doll, I consider this reasonable because she’s had four dolls go ‘missing’ recently because they all split seams or were lost. Hand-me-down dolls that are 30 years old aren’t the sturdiest. 🙂 She will be getting a new baby doll when TBD arrives. She no longer has any 12″ dolls and the bigger and smaller ones really fill different roles in her life. The bigger one is the dress up one because she has a bunch of clothes that fit it (thank you Grandmother) but she doesn’t treat it like a ‘baby’ because it is just too big for her to manage like that. The much smaller ones tend to be the in-the-car toys because they are manageable in the small space. The 12″ dolls are the ones she likes to ‘mother’ and there currently isn’t a doll in that space in her life. It makes her sad.
She has expressed a desire for more paint, but that happened after she ran out of the two colors she likes the most.
The most ‘extraneous’ she has asked for was a new dress that she just really liked the print. I told her it was indeed a really awesome dress, but her drawer wouldn’t be able to *hold* another dress and she agreed that she didn’t need it.
Uhm… I know there are other things but I can’t quite remember. She’s really not all that ‘thing’ oriented yet.
I hate shoes that are too hard to get on and off, too.
Then, again, I don’t pull off my shoes and go running thru the stores, either. Since I was nearly arrested that one time. But I’m blaming the Killer Weed for that particular episode. And Jimmy, who had a bag of it in his car. And the cops who did *not* stop us from smoking it.
Damn cops – there’s never one around when you need one.
Dolls go “missing?”
How do you spell “you-pham-iz-emm?”